"Mommy, what does ‘being gay' mean?"
Today's children are exposed to many things about adult life that we wish could be deferred or even avoided altogether. Drugs, sexual behavior, terrorism, biochemical warfare, and mass death all bombard young minds before many are able to comprehend and understand. As parents, we are able to deflect some issues until another day. However, some topics cannot be deferred or deflected, and parents are challenged to help their children understand. More importantly, parents are challenged to spiritually inoculate - to instruct their children biblically - to understand and be protected by godly knowledge.
Therefore, I must say that I would probably defer - or at least do everything I could to defer - a discussion of homosexuality and gay behavior with a child 10 years old and under. I believe that there is so much about it that is difficult to understand. Even more, homosexual knowledge entails understanding things I would hope to put off in young children as long as possible.
But I also recognize that younger and younger children are being exposed to homosexual persons, themes, and issues and are naturally confused and curious about it. Whether from school, by social and public interactions, or through television and movies, homosexuality is being thrust upon and is challenging a heterosexual world. Your children will encounter it, and will likely ask you questions about it - probably sometime between the ages of 7 and 14.
Any communications with children this age, seeking to understand homosexuality, should respect the rule of 'the less said the better.' Say only what is necessary to quench their curiosity. Then remain open for further discussion when and if it is initiated by your child. With this, in mind it is important, as a parent and as someone who may be confronted with these issues, to clarify your own understanding of this controversial subject. Following is an overview of the biblical, scientific, and clinical knowledge we have about homosexuality. Also included are examples of how you might answer your child's questions.
Understand the context
It is important to understand the context in which the question arises. Your responses will be shaped according to how the question was framed in your child's mind. You will likely deal with the question differently if it comes from another child who used it as a taunt or a smear, versus coming from a TV program or from a classroom discussion at school. You will want to know if and how homosexuality was defined to the child, and whether or not it was presented in a positive or negative light. Question your child matter-of-factly about how the question arose, and what the child understands, if anything, about homosexuality. The more knowledge you have about your child's knowledge (and lack of it) will help you to form a response.
Here are some ways you can help your child understand this difficult topic:
1. Clarify what ‘being gay' means
At its root, homosexuality means the ‘same sex' or ‘like sexuality.' A distinction between homosexual behavior and orientation is now generally accepted in the medical and therapeutic communities. Homosexual acts refer to the intimate sexual communication between persons of the same sex. Homosexual orientation refers to the emotional attraction and sexual drive that is directed toward persons of the same sex. While engaging in homosexual behavior is a chosen activity, being oriented to the same sex is generally considered to be influenced by a variety of factors.
If your child asks "What does being gay mean?" answer: "Being gay means that two people of the same sex have chosen to love each other in the way that God planned for a man and woman to love each other. That is, two men or two women have chosen to love each other in this way."
If your child asks "Why are some people gay?" answer: "We really do not understand why some people act this way. Some people choose to disobey what God and the Bible says is right."
2. Explain what the Bible says about homosexuality
Letting your children know what the Bible says about homosexual acts is important. Even though the many influences of homosexual attraction and drive are complex, engaging in homosexual behavior is a chosen activity. Children should be told that homosexual behavior is biblically and morally wrong.
If your child asks "What does the Bible say about being gay?" answer: "The Bible clearly states that gay behavior is wrong. When a person chooses to please himself rather than God, he is committing a sin. The Bible says that God hates all sin."
3. Let them know change is possible
Recent research has shown more favorable outcomes by homosexuals seeking to change. CNN recently announced both on television and their Web site, "An explosive new study says some gay people can turn straight if they really want to." More importantly, the Bible makes it clear that God can change the behavior of homosexuals if they choose to allow Him to do so. "Let him turn to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:7-8).
It is most important to teach your children that God loves everyone. Teach them not to engage in hate speech, or make coarse jokes about gays. Encourage them to show others how Jesus loved and related to everyone, and we are called to do likewise.
If your child asks "How should I treat people who say they are gay?" answer: "The Bible says that God loves everyone but He does not like the things we do that are wrong. We can treat people who say they are gay with kindness. We can like them even though we do not like that they choose gay behavior. We can show them that God loves them and wants them to do the right things. God can help them do what is right."