"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life” (Prov. 4:23). Relationships are wonderful. Until they’re not.
I’ve spent years trying to identify what to do when we fully open our heart to someone who, over time, isn’t responsible with that kind of trust.
When my amazing grandson, Ryser, was born and my daughter was getting ready to take him home, his nurse said something I’ve never forgotten as she was giving her parting instructions: Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.
I thought the nurse had come in to teach us about properly holding Ryser or changing his diaper. Instead, she wanted my daughter to know that every cry from a baby is an opportunity to build trust.
Trust was easy with Ryser because as long as we were responsible to properly care for him, he was satisfied. He wasn’t opinionated or scarred by past trauma, and he didn’t bring in emotionally unhealthy habits and patterns.
Things aren’t so easy with relationships as we get older.
Here’s what I’ve realized: When we allow someone else access to us — emotionally, physically, financially, mentally — we need to require them to be responsible with that access. If I give someone level 10 access but they’re only willing or capable of level three responsibility, relational tension will exist. Trust will erode. And frustration will be ever increasing.
Why?
Because level 10 access requires level 10 responsibility.
People who are irresponsible with our hearts shouldn’t be granted great access to our hearts.
Lysa TerKeurst
Here’s a tangible example: When you trust someone with access to your bank account, you should be able to trust this individual not to steal your money, use your debit card to pay for charges you didn’t approve of, or put you in debt with irresponsible choices. Sadly, this does happen. And not just with money — with our emotions, our capacity, and our time. We give people level 10 access when they’re only demonstrating level three responsibility. And then we find ourselves more frustrated and exhausted by the gap we’re experiencing.
But friend, there is hope today. Instead of feeling stuck because we can’t control the choices of another person, we can reduce the access to the level of responsibility they are capable of. That solution is called a boundary.
Simply put, setting a boundary is being responsible enough to reduce the access we grant to others based on their ability to be responsible with that access. In the past, I’ve made the mistake of trying to put boundaries on others, hoping to get them to increase their level of responsibility to the access I’ve granted them. But it never worked. You see, you can ask someone to demonstrate more responsibility, but you can’t “boundary” this person into making changes he or she aren’t willing to make. So, the only real productive choice is for you to put boundaries in place that reduce the level of access you give that person to match his or her level of responsibility.
"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life."
Proverbs 4:23
Why is this important? Because people who are irresponsible with our hearts shouldn’t be granted great access to our hearts. Proverbs 4:23 speaks into this very thing as it instructs: “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.”
In the past, I’ve often heard this verse taught in the context of dating relationships and purity. But I think it also applies to guarding the access to our hearts in other relationships as well.
Interestingly, the Hebrew word for guard, mišmar, communicates an active nature of how someone should guard. What this means is that guarding is active, not passive. We aren’t trying to protect ourselves from love. If we love, we will risk being hurt. But we’re trying to protect ourselves for love. We don’t want to get so consumed with the pain and chaos of unhealthy relationship patterns that we become a carrier of human hurt rather than a conduit of God’s love.
I know this is heavy stuff. And you may be thinking, “Whoa, Lysa, I’m just trying to figure out a few wonky relationship dynamics. I don’t really know about all this boundary stuff.” I can feel that way too.
But after countless hours of studying and processing the topic of boundaries, I’m more convinced than ever that boundaries are the only fighting chance we have to live in the peace we all really long for inside our relationships. Love can be unconditional, but relational access never should be. Boundaries help us protect this. Boundaries help us keep ourselves together so we can be the person God has called us to be. Boundaries help us protect trust. Boundaries help us cultivate the heart toward one another God always intended for us to have — motivated toward real love and away from selfishness. That is a way I’m determined to live.