This article originally appeared in Deacon Magazine.


Next Sunday take a good look at the teenagers in your church. If your church is like most other churches, three out of every four teenagers sitting in those pews will not be involved or attending church when they are young adults.

Investing in the Life of a Teenager

Year in and year out, the statistics consistently hover around the same number: 75 percent of teenagers who graduate from high school also graduate from church. Our tendency is to find the person to blame.

I suppose we could blame the strong influence of the media and the culture surrounding our teenagers. But shouldn't the church and the church's youth group be working to counter those worldly influences?

Perhaps the leader of the youth group just isn't doing enough. But then there are the parents. In spite of all the talk about the influence of peers and the media, students still spend most of their time with family. After all, parents are the primary influence and spiritual developers of their own teenagers.

Assigning blame doesn't resolve the problem. There is a way to counter the problem, though, that can reap great rewards for both the teenager and you.

Chap Clark, a researcher and youth ministry professor, did significant research among high school teenagers. In his book, Hurt 2.0: Inside the World of Today's Teenagers, he points out that to positively impact the life of a teenager, the teenager needs five adults who will speak into his life.

These are not just adults who know the teenager, but adults who will invest in his or her life. This could be a parent, teacher, coach, youth minister, and a deacon.

A deacon? Me? Why not you? Who best to influence a teenager than someone who loves God, loves His church, and loves people enough to invest in their lives? That sounds like a deacon to me.

You may never hear teenagers say this out loud, but they want adults in their lives. They want adults to love them and show an interest in them. We often think teenagers just want freedom to do their own thing, but they need - and want - boundaries. They often will push against those boundaries, but boundaries show that someone cares.

But I'm not a teacher, you may say. Yes, you are. You may not have the gift of teaching or lead a group in a Sunday School class or Bible study, but you teach with your life. Just spend time with teenagers, and you will be teaching more than you realize. So allow me to offer you a quick course in how to understand and relate to a teenager.

Be yourself

That's it. You've now completed the course "Relating to Teenagers 101."

You don't have to dress like them. You don't have to look like them. You don't have to talk like them. In fact, it is more detrimental if we try to look and act like them. They see right through the facade. They need integrity in their relationships.

I don't try to speak their language, but I try to understand their language. I listen. I ask questions. My goal is to get to know the student without disparaging the things that interest them. (For example, a teenager may like Christian Rap music - which sounds like an oxymoron to some of us - but I can still befriend him without converting him to Southern Gospel.)

The key word here is listen. Few adults take the time to listen to a teenager; we're too busy speaking at them. Asking genuine questions opens the door for a relationship. As that relationship develops, I eventually earn the right to be heard.

I don't start out by telling my story, though; I start by listening to his. Avoid sentences that begin with "When I was your age ... " Those will come in time, but you must invest in the relationship first and get to know the heart of the student.

Establish connections

You may ask, how is this helping a teenager stay connected to Christ and the church? In most of our churches, we have provided a wonderful ministry to students by providing Bible studies, programs, events, and ministry opportunities directed to teenagers. Many of us can attest to the value of the church's youth ministry in our own spiritual growth.

But there can be a downside if it's not handled correctly. The problem arises as the youth group becomes a mini-church unto itself. We often do such a good job of programming for the teenagers that there's little connection or involvement with the rest of the church. The youth group becomes a sub-set of the whole church family, something resembling a one-eared Mickey Mouse. Consequently, when they graduate from high school and the church youth group, they feel little connection with the rest of the church family. There are no relationships with people outside the youth group, so they fade away.

The North American Mission Board discovered that 80 percent of teenagers and young adults who drift away from the church do not do so intentionally. They were not planning to leave the church, but there was no connection with other adults in the church, so they gradually quit going.

As deacons and leaders in the church, we can build relationships with students. When they are no longer a part of the youth group, they are still a part of our lives. We have a relationship; we keep encouraging them; we keep them accountable.

Invest in them

Select from several ways you can invest in the students at your church. The most obvious way is to teach a class of students. Teaching is more than just imparting Bible facts. It is walking alongside students as you look at God's Word together. A good teacher lives by the teaching of 1 Thessalonians 2:8: "We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us."

If teaching is not your gift, you can chaperone a youth trip. Invite them into your home. Host a game night. Take a group of them out for pizza some evening. Talk to the leader of the youth group about fellowship and ministry opportunities you can host or be a part of. The key, however, is not just to do things for the students but to take the time to be with the students.

Are you on Facebook? The students are. As you get to know the students, you will be surprised at how many of them will seek you out and send you a Facebook friend request. (Note: I never initiate a friend request with a girl. If a teenage girl wants to be my friend on Facebook, that's fine, but all my online interaction with her is done publicly on her Facebook wall, where everybody can see it.) Facebook allows me to see and read what individual students are involved in; I can encourage them on their Facebook wall, sharing a prayer or a Scripture.

If you have a hobby or interest, use it as an avenue to invest in students. This allows for more one-on-one or small group interaction. Take a teenage boy fishing. Teach him to golf. I knew of a man who loved to work on cars, and he would meet with a handful of boys each week to fix up old cars. Our wives can make similar investments in the girls. My wife on occasion has worked with some girls in scrapbooking. Whatever we are interested in is an opportunity to also be interested in a student.

Investing in students takes time. It does not always reap immediate results, but it will reap benefits both for you and the students you take the time to know and love in Christ.

Just this weekend I visited friends in Texas, and one 42-year-old man drove his family two hours to come see me. He wanted to say thanks for investing in his life 20-plus years ago. So is it worth it? I say it is.

Lynn Pryor is Publishing Team Leader for ongoing adult curriculum at LifeWay Christian Resources, and serves as a deacon at Woodmont Baptist Church, Nashville, Tennessee.