It seems the Golden Rule has an evil twin. Call it the Golden Expectation. The Golden Rule, of course, is some variation of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You can see it at least twice in the Bible: “Whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” [Matthew 7:12 (CSB)] and “Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them” [Luke 6:31 (CSB)]. That basic concept is found in most religions and moral systems.
Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7:12
Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them.
Luke 6:31
The Golden Expectation is just as common an idea, but you won’t see it printed on a bumper sticker. It goes something like this: “Others will do unto me as I would do onto them. (And if they don’t, I have a right to be hurt, angry, or offended.)”
This unspoken assumption is the root of many arguments and misunderstandings in churches, small groups, marriages, and the general population as a whole. Think about the last time someone got mad at you. Was it because you did something they did not expect? Said something they wouldn’t? Or didn’t say what they would have?
"Once again, Jesus sets a high bar for us. He forgave his offenders—while they were in the process of crucifying Him!"
Darren Wiedman
The next time you encounter someone suffering from the Golden Expectation, take them (or yourself) through this checklist:
1. Was is really said, implied, or done?
There is a series of TV commercials for an insurance company that features two people disagreeing about something that happened at some earlier moment. Through the magic of television, one person throws a red play-review flag (like they do in football) and both are able to watch a replay of the controversial moment. Wouldn’t that be nice in real life? Of course, the danger of an objective replay is, despite how strongly you believed you were right, you may have been wrong. Our brains are remarkable organs. They will often fill in the gaps of our limited points of view, creating imagined realities. And it happens to everyone.
2. Could they have an innocent reason?
Their actions may not make sense to you but could be perfectly logical to them. Most every decision we make is the sum total of every experience and lesson we’ve acquired over our lifetimes. Why should we expect others to behave exactly as we would? They are coming from a completely different place. I once had friends get mad at me because I didn’t offer to check on their house when they were going to be out of town. But I thought they would ask for help if they needed it (because that’s what I would do). They thought I would offer to help only if I wanted to (because that’s what they would do). Both of us were wrong.
3. Do they have different priorities or values?
The things that bother them may not bother us. I remember when I moved from the country to a suburban neighborhood. There was a narrow part of my new lawn that was difficult to mow without driving my lawnmower on part of my neighbor’s grass. After doing that a few times, my neighbor made me aware of my faux pas. It never even occurred to me that this would bother someone because my old neighbors weren’t too concerned about a few feet of grass on the edge of several acres. I guess a smaller lawn merits greater attention. To me, the lawn was a chore. To him, it was a jewel.
4. Should they be given the benefit of the doubt?
Other than our inborn sin nature, most people usually have good intentions. Yes, we are generally self-centered, so we may forget to consider how others are going to feel about our actions. But more often than not, few people are out to hurt others intentionally.
Once again, Jesus sets a high bar for us. He forgave his offenders — while they were in the process of crucifying Him! Of course, He was already expecting that. Maybe that’s the key, not to expect the best of others but the worst. Then we’ll often be pleasantly surprised by their behavior.