Prom night. It's the stuff that teen dreams are made of. Elegant dresses. Updos. Tuxedos. Limos. Fancy country clubs. And in some cases, the hotel room.
Prom season is a time when many teens make poor decisions, either deliberately or in the heat of the moment. Many teens (especially girls) regard this as a "coming out" of sorts in which they try to dress and act more mature than they actually are. They want to act out in adult behavior that matches their adult dress.
What Your Teen Thinks
Prom has changed a good bit since the days of your blue tux or ruffled dress. As a parent, there are a few things you should know.
First, know that your teenager:
Views prom as the culmination of a relationship. Many couples that have been dating exclusively for a while see themselves as a couple in love. One way they symbolize this commitment to each other during the prom season is by engaging in sex (some for the first time), moving the intensity of the relationship beyond what is good and healthy (Song of Sol. 2:7; 3:5; 8:4).
May be encouraged to spend an "all-nighter" away from home, often alone with the opposite gender for the first time. After-prom parties are common and often take place without the sanction or support of school administration or parents. These can take place in a variety of locations — a student's home, a hotel, or a popular hangout. You and your child will need to decide whether or not these parties are safe and positive places to be.
Needs to make wise decisions before the event so that he is not faced with these choices in the heat of the moment (Prov. 15:22; 19:2; 20:18). Very rarely do teens (or adults) choose wisely when they are wrapped up in the glory and joy of the moment. Creating a plan and strategy ahead of time can reduce the risk of poor choices when the pressure is on.
What Your Teen Should Know
Your teen may have begun to talk about prom sometime around, say, last summer, or she may be intimidated or even afraid by it. You know her best. If your son or daughter doesn't know what to expect from prom, tell her that it's oK to lower her expectations for the event. This moment is a big one, but help her keep it in proper perspective. Remind her that there will be many other occasions when she will have the opportunity to dress elegantly, go out to a fancy restaurant, and enjoy the company of a significant other. Help her to avoid putting too much value on this event so she won't be tempted to make a decision she will regret later.
It's important, too, to communicate how to set boundaries ahead of time so he or she can make wise decisions on the night of the event. Your student doesn't need to wait until he gets to the after-prom party to decide how to handle certain situations. In many situations, a teenager will make the wrong decision if it's made in the heat of the moment.
Let your teen understand the value of going to this event with a group of friends. There is safety in numbers. Keep in mind, though, that this safety is only as strong as the accountability he has with the other members of the group. There is no safety in numbers if everyone is bent on engaging in dangerous or unwise behavior.
You'll want to know beforehand what his plans for the night are, but this act is beneficial to him, too. Help your teen make a plan of action ahead of time so that he's not caught off guard. What should he do if he gets in over his head or finds himself in a tempting situation? What if the prom becomes a source of temptation? What is his way out if he's tempted to lust or treat another person without respect?
Sit down with your student (and encourage him to sit down with his date) to talk through these issues beforehand. Let him know that you are willing to do whatever he needs you to do to help him protect his purity.
This is an opportunity to model discernment, discretion, and purity. It doesn't take much courage to just say you're waiting until marriage to give your body to someone else. It doesn't take character to skip an outdoor after-prom keg party when it's raining. The prom season gives your student the chance to stand up for her worldview, to demonstrate the confidence that comes from knowing that a single night doesn't define her worth or popularity. It gives her a chance to exhibit maturity by avoiding situations that will lead to nothing but heartache and bad consequences.
What You Should Know
What boundaries will you set for prom? What will be your role in the event? Will you chaperone? Will you allow this to be an all-night event for your teenager? When will curfew be? There are a thousand questions to ask yourself about the boundaries you will set for your teen and prom. When discussing them with your teen, let him or her know that these boundaries are being set for safety, not for control.
Some other things to keep in mind:
Take a stand on modesty, especially if you have a daughter. Don't believe the lie that it's impossible to find anything modest. It is possible to find an attractive — and even glamorous — dress that doesn't reveal everything. However, you may be forced to endure many trips to many stores over many weekends to find one. That means you'll need to plan ahead when you begin to hear the rumblings of prom talk. If you shop early, you are more likely to find something that both you and your daughter like. You may even want to plan a girl's weekend to another city and make it a special event for both of you.
Offer a "no questions asked" policy for picking up your teen at any point in to talk at that moment. Once the night is over, you can calmly talk about what happened. Use this as a learning experience and a teachable moment in your teen's life (and possibly your own).
Emphasize guidelines for proper behavior toward members of the opposite sex. Reinforce earlier discussions about respect and honor. Review some of the simple actions that demonstrate respect: holding the door open, allowing the other person to order dinner first, saying "thank you," staying away from lewd conversations and comments. Respect and honor are not often valued among teenagers. Challenge your teen to act against the norm by demonstrating that he values the other person.
The most important thing you can do this season is communicate. Communicate with your teen. Communicate with other fun alternative. Knowing what other parents are doing is a huge advantage for you.
Communicate with the school system. Find out the rules regarding dress, activities, chaperones, and unacceptable behavior. Find out if there are any safeguards, such as random alcohol searches, metal detectors, and other preventive measures that will ensure a successful night. Discuss these policies with your teen.
Prom isn't something to be afraid of or intimidated by. It's also not something to blow out of proportion. Together, you and your teen can make it a memorable event — if it's done the right way.
This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.