Do you ever get the feeling your teenager is from another planet? You're talking with her. She's nodding her head and looking you straight in the eye, but somehow she's just not there. You walk away feeling like you've just had two completely different conversations.
The construction crew at Babel had a better line of communication.
Though it may feel like you're living in different worlds, speaking different languages, it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with your teens where you can actually talk with them and connect with them.
Do you remember when you were 15 or 16 years old? In my 15-year-old opinion, Mom was clueless to the world I lived in. She would say, "Let's talk," and I would respond, "About what?" It never entered my mind to tell her any of my concerns or ask her opinion about a situation. Some things haven't changed much. That's why it is still difficult for parents and teens to make a meaningful connection.
This communication gap requires a bit of a stretch for most parents. If you are a stepparent, the reach is even greater due to the weight of emotions that come with blending a family.
By combining biblical wisdom, common sense, and a healthy dose of patience, though, these five steps are designed to help you overcome the communication gap. Follow them and make a connection with your teenage son or daughter.
Preparing ground
In raising six teenagers in a blended family, I learned early on how my own heart had to be open, teachable, and obedient to God if I wanted my kids to be open, teachable, and obedient. The first step in preparing the ground began with me.
Removing obstacles to communication requires some soul searching, so identify resentments toward your stepchildren and let them go. Otherwise, these feelings will stifle communication. Don't let droopy pants, a messy room, strange friends, or an ex-spouse influence how you talk to them.
Opening the door
More often than not, when we complain that our teenagers won't talk to us, what we are really saying is, "My teenager won't listen to me." In order to make a connection with your teen, the conversation has to be two-sided with mutual respect. Wait until they've completely finished telling you something before jumping in with advice or an opinion.
Show you value your teen's ideas by asking questions like: "How do you feel about this?" or "What do you think?" Then let them tell you. Inviting their perspective builds self-esteem-something with which many teens struggle. If their ideas or opinions differ from yours, look for common ground. If your child is put on the defensive, communication breaks down.
Sometimes our kids tell us just enough to see how we will react, so listen first and freak out later. Gently lead them to a compassionate God who is relevant today and will guide them through every situation. He isn't afraid of tough issues, and we shouldn't be either. If we really listen, they'll be more likely to open up about a problem. The door will be open and a connection will be made.
Keeping it short
What parent hasn't experienced the infamous rolling eyes? Sometimes I wonder if there isn't some secret teenage training camp out there showing our kids how to respond to a parent's lecture: "Cross your arms, show little interest, and just as your parent starts to look away, roll your eyes!" Whatever the case, every teenager knows the routine. Why do our kids show disrespect toward our wise counsel? Probably because we've said too much. We repeat the same thing in 13 different ways. In teens' minds, they are screaming, "Enough already! I get the point!"
Apply the "50 percent rule." Yes, we want our children to get the point, but we need to trust that they are old enough and smart enough to comprehend our point the first time. Keeping our end of the conversation short opens the door for our kids to say more on their end.
Affirming and encouraging
They may not show it, but teens love and need to be praised. Despite their "tough guy" or "cool girl" appearance, teens are starving for affirmation. If they don't get it at home, they will look for it elsewhere.
Acknowledge the positive things your teenager does with a pat on the back or a word of thanks. When Johnny gives the neighbor boy a lesson in shooting hoops, tell him, "I'm proud of you" or "You showed real leadership there." Words of encouragement spoken regularly and with sincerity invite communication.
Seizing the moment
Pay attention, look for the right moment to talk, and seize it! If your child acts like they need space, don't push yourself on them. A spontaneous conversation when you tell them good night or on the way home from a game can result in the warmest and most rewarding talks.
Capitalize on these moments and be around enough so you don't miss that connection with your teen.