Among the greatest challenges in remarrying or blending a family is this one: helping step-siblings or half-siblings adjust to the new household and new family life. The adjustments are difficult enough for adults but can be enormously burdensome for children and adolescents. If you’re blending a family, or expect to remarry soon, here are some tips that can help you manage your kids more effectively.
1. Reassure your children of your ongoing love and constant support.
In the midst of so much change and so many adjustments to make, remind your kids of what isn’t changing: you love them, and you will be there for them. They may be jealous of their new step-siblings, jealous of your new partner, or just anxious in general. Now is the time to ‘be there’ for them with strong emotional support and consistent reminders of your love.
2. Give each child as much personal space as possible.
This advice is even more valuable if your children are adolescents and teens. If your daughter can have her own room, she will feel more secure. If your kids are sharing a room with new step- or half-siblings, do your best to create personal space within the room so that each child has a sense of his own territory or her own privacy. Having a desk, a dresser, or a clearly marked portion of the closet that is “all their own” will help children and teens adjust more easily. While coping with so much loss, it is helpful if kids have something that seems to be tangibly their own—territory that they can protect, and that also protects them both physically and emotionally.
3. Help form natural connections.
Instead of pushing or exhorting your kids to connect and relate to each other, consider creating the kinds of opportunities that will help the connections form naturally. Low-key and low-cost family activities might include a picnic, a trip to the beach or a park, or some other outing in which the new family will be traveling, eating, playing or learning together. Now is the time to develop some new traditions that are unique to the blended or stepfamily. Go somewhere you haven’t been; try something you haven’t tried. Get your kids outdoors and involved in activities that require teamwork or sharing — cooking a meal, pitching a tent, or hiking a trail. The new memories you create will produce positive energy that bonds your family together.
4. Keep your expectations reasonable and your perspective patient.
Nothing about blending a family is simple or easy. Every adult and every child has a personal way of grieving for what has been lost, and adjusting to what is being established. As often as possible, be as relaxed as possible. Get enough rest, get enough exercise, and keep your prayer muscles in shape. Rather than imagining an idyllic setting where everything goes smoothly, try to under¬stand that real life is messy by nature, and that blending a family is one of the messier aspects of real life. It is this way for everyone, not just you.
As busy family counselors who specialize in the blended family, we have watched many new partners find success and hope in their journeys. As per¬sons of faith, we have watched God build beautiful new households from the wreckage of past disappointments. As you watch God nurture some¬thing new in your life and your family, breathe a prayer of thanksgiving for all that God is creating.