Sometime this month, we women are likely to come face-to-face with our nemesis — The Proverbs 31 Woman. Since we celebrate Mother's Day in May, we'll encounter this lady and her nonstop energy more than once. Pastors will likely preach about her. We'll see greeting cards with Proverbs 31 plastered all over them. The local Christian bookstore will have bracelets, bookmarks, iPad covers, and trailer hitches that all display that famous verse: "Who can find a capable wife? She is far more precious than jewels." But who is she, really?
My first brush with the Proverbs 31 woman occurred during my junior year of college. I was attending a weekly Bible study, and our group leader charged us to read the Proverbs 31 passage so that we could discuss her the following week. "The Proverbs 31 who?" I asked.
The leader seemed shocked with my lack of knowledge regarding this particular Bible character. She explained that this was the gal to emulate when it comes being a godly wife and mother. I hadn't been raised in a Christian home, so I welcomed any guidance I could get and looked forward to reading the passage. However, the collective sigh from the rest of the young women in the group should have alerted me that a trip into Proverbs 31 should be taken only under the threat of great emotional peril.
Later that evening, I opened my Bible to the passage and began reading. It started off simply enough. I mean, how hard could this Proverbs 31 stuff be? I would soon find out. I continued reading ... and reading ... and reading. By the time I got to the verse where this capable wife makes her own bed coverings, I wanted to curl up in my own store-bought comforter and sleep off my depression. Was this woman for real? No wonder she's worth far more than jewels. She's doing the job of 20 people! Did she stay hyped-up on a steady stream of 5-Hour Energy® to knock out her to-do list? If this was the template for becoming a godly wife and mother, I was in big trouble.
By the time my weekly Bible study rolled around, I'd compiled a long list of questions to ask my leader. Unfortunately, we never got around to discussing them. My leader and the rest of the girls in the group seemed content to camp on her domestic to-do list in an attempt to crack the code of what it looked like to be a modern-day Proverbs 31 woman. In the end, we were left with a June Cleaver-like prototype of domestic Leave It to Beaver suburban blissdom.
Married to the Beav
One year later, I was engaged to be married — and June Cleaver was to be my mother-in-law. She made things from scratch. She knew what a colander was and how to use a garlic press. My culinary skills were limited to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese® and frozen corn dogs. She cut coupons out of the newspaper and then actually used them.
It should come as no surprise that my husband, Keith, and I encountered a few domestic hiccups in our first year of marriage. Keith was a real trooper when I tossed his underwear and undershirts into the washer with a pair of never-been-washed red sweatpants. Pink may be all the rage for men today, but it most certainly wasn't chic in the 1980s. However, the lowest moment came when I overheard Keith on the phone one evening asking my mother-in-law how to "get the mildew smell out of towels." Oh boy. I earmarked that conversation for a marriage counseling session down the road.
Everything proceeded to go downhill when the kids arrived on the scene. I tried to pull off the domestic image of a home-cooked meal simmering on the stove when Keith walked through the door, but more often than not, I was the one boiling. Blame it on the stress of cooking in a hostile work environment also known as I-have-three-young-children-who-melt-down-at-the-dinner-hour. After a day filled with wiping little noses, sweeping cereal-strewn floors, and debating with toddlers, the pre-dinner hour was often my tipping point. Maybe I'd missed the scene in which June locked her children, Wally and the Beav, in a closet while she prepared her signature dish, but I couldn't juggle the roles of mom, homework advisor, chef, and lover in the same night.
Sock It to Me
My Proverbs 31 breaking point came at a women's conference I attended many years ago. The theme was, you guessed it, "The Virtuous Woman." I remember being loaded down with guilt as the main speaker defined what qualities constitute a modern-day virtuous woman, touting Proverbs 31 as the foundational passage. I can't recall many of the details, but I do remember that she highlighted the importance of wives sorting their husband's dress socks by color in their dresser drawers. I'm not making this up. Apparently, sock sorting fell under the umbrella of bringing your husband "good, not evil, all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:12). She even exhorted us to put the brown socks in the middle, since blue and black socks are often mistaken for one another. If this unknown sock clause is a deal-breaker for attaining Proverbs 31 status, I had no choice but to resign on the spot.
P31 Myth-Busting
At least one good thing came from the sock seminar. It motivated me to dive into the Proverbs 31 passage and study it on my own. I made a startling discovery: The Proverbs 31 was not an actual, real woman. All these years I'd felt intimidated by this woman, only to discover she's make-believe! The passage is actually a compilation of virtuous qualities that women should strive to have. Whew!
The passage doesn't describe a mild-mannered church lady whose primary purpose is to be a housekeeper and helpmate to her spouse. I'm not knocking those qualities, but we've gotten way off track with portrayals that limit the Proverbs 31 woman to this role only. The commentary The Bible Reader's Companion (Lawrence O. Richards) notes, "... the noble wife of this chapter supervised a staff of workers (v. 27). She served as buyer for her enterprises (v. 13). She sold what her staff produced (vv. 18-24), and she invested her profits (v. 16). She had the freedom to give to help the needy (v. 20). She was respected for her wisdom and responsibility (vv. 14-15, 26-31)." This picture of the woman's role is a far cry from what many of us have been taught. In Old Testament times, women had the opportunity to use their God-given abilities.
Why are these qualities rarely addressed when we hear about the Proverbs 31 woman? This is no Bible-totin' June Cleaver, friends. In fact, the Hebrew word for capable in verse 10 is chayil (khah´-yil), which means "a force, whether of men, means, or other resources; an army, wealth, virtue, valor, strength; band of men (soldiers), company, host, might, power, riches, strength, strong" (Strong's Concise Dictionary of the Words in the Greek Testament and the Hebrew Bible by James Strong). This woman was a force to be reckoned with. Her virtue had nothing to do with her ability to put a home-cooked meal on the table or get grass stains out of white baseball pants. She was fiercely devoted to God, her husband, and her children — in that order.
The Crowning Virtue
At the core of the virtuous woman's devotion is her relationship with the Lord. It trumps every other quality on the list. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD will be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). The virtuous woman serves her family because she first serves God. She's strong for the task because she draws her strength from Him.
This woman is no weak-willed doormat, so be careful about believing stereotypes that may portray her in that fashion. She's a mighty force who's vigilant in her devotion to God and family. That devotion is packaged in many different types of women. She may be the woman at your church who makes a mean seven-layer dip for the church potluck or the woman in your Bible study group with multiple tattoos and piercings. She may be the woman who works full-time or the woman who stays home with her children.
She may be the divorced woman who tackles her single-mom duties with a smile on her face but with a burden in her heart. She may be the woman whose husband plucked his socks out of a color-coded sock drawer. She could even be the woman whose husband heads out the door sporting a pink undershirt under his oxford and both a blue and black dress sock under his trousers after he polishes off a plate of waffles toasted to a golden crisp by none other than ... himself. Theoretically speaking, of course.