How to Help Your Teen Cope with Grief

When I walked into the room, all three of them were sitting on one couch. Their expressions were varied. Two immediately spoke and introduced themselves. One was quiet. But all three were in the middle of a tremendous loss in their lives — their parents were getting divorced. These sisters were 12, 14, and 16, and were all handling their grief very differently.

As I started counseling them over the next few months, I realized just how different each of their griefs was, and how it was a powerful picture of where each sister was developmentally. The youngest, at 12, was devastated. She was quiet in her grief and didn't know quite yet how to put words to her feelings. She was afraid that her sadness would "make her mom more sad," so she bottled it up, with it growing inside of her in ways that made it hard to concentrate and enjoy the things she loved most.

The oldest sister who was now in high school was very angry with her father. She kept trying to understand why he made the choices he had and was worried and protective of her mom. She had tears in her eyes during our conversation, much like her younger sister, but her grief had enlarged in her awareness of the family around her. The middle sister, a 14-year-old, was in the throes of what we call in our book, Raising Girls, the Narcissistic Years. And, in all her narcissistic angst, she spent most of her time in my office talking about her friendships. I could only get her to talk about her parents' divorce for a few minutes each session, because she was mostly concerned with the tumultuousness of eighth grade girls and where she stood in the middle of them.

Grief is complicated for anyone. But the complications for adolescents are compounded. They are changing daily. For boys and girls, their hormones are leading their emotions. So many of them don't yet know how to process their feelings. And their priorities are often, to use their words, a little wonky. I still remember that when my 13-year-old sister and I lost our grandmother, she was most excited that I'd get to meet her boyfriend at the funeral. Wonky.

Whether the loss is a divorce, death, the loss of friendships, athletic ability, or even a pet, teens still feel the loss profoundly. And it is up to us to understand not only where they are, but how we can help.

For the younger teen, around the ages of 13-15, grief will be complicated mostly by the complications of living in what I would definitely call the most difficult years of adolescence.

On a good day, their lives feel tumultuous and overwhelming. When it's bad, it's fraught with insecurity and fear, rejection and betrayal, and then more insecurity heaped on top. So, for a teen in this age group, their grief will be mixed in with other issues that may not look as pressing to us, but feel powerfully weighty to them. It is important that we let these teens be exactly where they are. We want to give them opportunities to talk and be sad with us, but also be aware that this time in their lives is marked by a preoccupation with themselves and what others think about them. It is honestly a survival instinct for them. This middle school girl was impacted most profoundly by her parents' divorce a few years later, when the insecurity had abated some and she had time to realize the impact of the loss.

The middle teen (age 16-17) will still be coming out of this stage of life. And, because girls typically develop emotionally at a quicker rate, boys especially may continue to look a lot like the last stage.

I am working with a girl in this age bracket whose father killed himself last year. Just this week she said, "I just don't know what to do. I watch my sister withdraw. I see my mom cry. And I don't know how to fix it." Her grief is complicated by her growing awareness of those she loves. She struggles between being sad herself, wanting so desperately for her peers to understand and being frustrated that they don't, and worrying for her family. It is important to be aware that, especially for the younger two age groups of teens, their friends will not understand and will sometimes even withdraw because of it.

Much like this girl and her family, they are aware of the sadness, but simply do not know what to do.

As teenagers move into the latter years of their adolescence, their grief will often mirror much more the grief of an adult. They will pass through the stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

But they are still working hard to form their own identities. And their grief will coincide with asking many questions as to how this impacts who they are, what they are meant to do with their lives, and who God is in the process. They will be feeling the weight of what has happened and wrestling with how to incorporate it into their faith and evolving view of themselves and the world.

So, how can we help? What can we do to come alongside the teens we love as they grieve?

1. Know where they are developmentally.

Study development in general and your son or daughter specifically. Wild Things by Stephen James and David Thomas, and Raising Worry-Free Girls, give a list of the developmental stages of boys and girls and what they need in each. Understanding where they are will help you know how best to support them in this difficult season.

2. Listen to what they're not saying.

Teenagers are often fearful of expressing the depths of their emotions, let alone experiencing them. Instead, they may become teary about a missed homework assignment, or rage over a dropped ball in sports. Read between the lines. Listen to headaches and stomachaches and know that they are communicating with you even when they're often not speaking.

3. Give them outlets.

If the grief has affected you, as well, teenagers know it. And they're often reluctant to talk to you for fear of making you more sad. Help them know you're OK, even if they see you grieve. Every teenager needs to know that you are stronger than they are emotionally, as their parent … even in times of grief.

Let them know that you can listen. And, it may be that they need a place to talk where they're not concerned about the listener's feelings. Counselors can help with this. Live out the truth of 1 Thessalonians 4:13 in front of them: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope." Grieve as one who has hope, so that your teenager can as well. He will follow your lead. And he will feel safer to share his grief with you and with the Lord as you walk the complicated, hopeful path ahead of him.

This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.