Jimmy Dugan, the baseball manager in A League of Their Own¹ may have taught us there's no crying in baseball, but it's hard to apply that to all of life. Life just hurts sometimes. We lose a job we built our life and career around. We lose a dream. We lose a parent. We lose a spouse. We lose a child or an adult child breaks our heart living a lifestyle that goes against the way we raised them. Do we dare say there's no crying in life?
Just as God comforts us in whatever we are facing, He wants to use us as a conduit to comfort others.
Culture teaches us that men are to be strong, which means they are in control and never let their emotions get the best of them. Men who buy into that misconception are at a higher risk of death from heart disease, infections, and accidents.
They also experience higher rates of depression, alcoholism, and mental health issues.
Just as God comforts us in whatever we are facing, He wants to use us as a conduit of comfort. "He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Cor. 1:4).
1. Don't assume all is fine.
Ask a guy how he's doing after a major loss like death, and you might hear:
"I'm doing just fine."
"I don't need to talk."
"I can handle this."
If you hear something like that, treat it with skepticism. Respectful skepticism. Such language can often be a cover-up because the man has either bought into the "men don't cry (mourn)" myth, or he doesn't know how to express his pain. If you sense this is the case, don't force him to deal with it ... but don't let go either. Be a friend who listens with an open mind, love, and sensitivity.
2. Give permission to mourn.
Some men may need "approval" to mourn. Permission can come from something as simple as:
It's OK to cry.
It's OK to share your feelings rather than keep them bottled up.
Many people feel anxious or agitated after the death of a loved one.
It is natural to feel down after what like you've experienced
I don't blame you for feeling angry.
3. Communicate that grief is normal.
It is normal for people who experience loss to cry, feel depressed, lonely, vulnerable, and even angry.
Even men in Scripture mourned. For example, when Ephraim lost his two sons, he grieved. "Their father Ephraim mourned a long time, and his relatives came to comfort him" (1 Chron. 7:22).
4. Let him mourn his way.
Grief is a natural process, everyone is different; therefore, the way we express or handle that grief can be different.
What matters is that the man deals with his grief appropriately. Some men find it cathartic to talk it out, and others may throw themselves into an activity, like running or woodworking, that rejuvenates them.
You want to communicate that it's OK to mourn, but he should not be forced to mourn the way you might mourn. Some men cry; some don't.
Over 40 years ago, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the concept of stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying² (see below). Healthy grieving does not dictate that a man must go through all these stages in sequence or that he can't skip over several of them. The point is that we all process loss differently.
Stages of Grief
Shock or Disbelief
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Guilt
Depression
Acceptance and Hope
5. Provide spiritual support.
Grieving men need gentle reminders to look to God for comfort and strength. Friends and family can help, but it is God who transforms despair into hope. Encourage a grieving man to continue in worship, prayer, and Bible reading — even when he doesn't feel like it. (It is in the times when he doesn't feel like it that he probably needs it most of all.) God truly is the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
6. Recommend professional help.
The above ideas can help you walk with a man through the grief process and come out OK on the other side. However, there are some men whose grief is so devastating to them that they need more than we can offer on our own. Recommend professional help if:
There is evidence of alcohol or drug abuse;
Suicidal thoughts are constant;
There is a strong withdrawal from family, friends, and colleagues; or
His depression incapacitates.
You do a great service when you walk with another man through his loss. The end result is a man on the path to healing.
Your presence and support binds the wounds of his heart and emotions as he gets past the wounds of his loss and reenters the mainstream of life again.
1. Marshall, Penny (Director). (1992). A League of Their Own [Motion picture]. United States: Columbia Pictures Corporation.
2. Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth, On Death and Dying (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1997, originally published 1969).
This article is courtesy of Deacon Magazine.