My wife had some hanging plant baskets in our carport in New Orleans. Imagine my surprise when I was getting in the van one morning and one of the hanging baskets made a cheeping noise. Since I do not believe in talking plants, or in this case cheeping plants, I investigated. A momma bird had built her nest, moved into her hanging plant basket condominium, and laid an egg! The really sad part of the story is that momma decided to run away from home and leave the egg behind.

The bird family didn't turn out the way it was designed. The design for a bird life span is that they point their empty beaks toward the sky for their momma to drop in worms. After awhile, the babies get stronger, their wings develop, and it is time for adolescence. If the little ones are reluctant to leave the nest, momma pushes them out of the nest, forcing them to fly on their own.

Human babies also grow up, point their empty mouths toward mom, and ultimately move towards independence. The positive side of the move to independence is that adolescence provides a time during which teenagers are trying out new structures and abilities while still being in the care of their families. I am not naive to the fact that many parents have abandoned their role as have other institutions that should be concerned for the welfare of the adolescent (Hersch 1998).

Nancy Cobb (1998, 195) wrote that a major story in the socialization of adolescents into their culture is the renegotiation of relationships as teenagers move to adulthood. Particularly in regard to their families, adolescents experience:

• New awareness of who they are.
• New awareness of who their parents are.
• New awareness of their social worlds.

Tony Campolo (1989, 51-67) described the shift from the viewpoint of a sociologist:

• Shift is from parents to friends as primary group.
• Primary group (defined: small circle of friends, family, or associates who interact with a person on a daily basis) provides reference points and establish the patterns with which a young person will deal with culture. Personal identity and behaviors are involved.
• Primary groups can be positive. And they can be manipulated (in a nice sort of way).
• General pattern is for primary group to be family, then friends, then back to family after teen years.

Alfred Bandura and others have pointed out the strength of imitation, identification, and modeling in the socialization of young adults. Rather than focusing on the rewards and punishment of other behavioral theories, social learning theory emphasizes that people learn by watching one another and observing the consequences of their actions (imitation), ultimately taking on some of the actions (identification). The importance for youth ministry is that the process of imitation is so powerful that the formation of positive relationships must be a priority (Anthony 1992, 84). Acknowledging the migration toward peer relationships during adolescence, the wise parent will take an involved stance with regard to the friendships their teenagers are forming. Benson (et al. 1995) identified a number of supporting persons (teachers, other significant adults) who contribute to the success of an adolescent.

The world outside the human nest is often full of uncertainty. Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, gave a lecture in New Orleans a couple of years ago. I attended the lecture, and one of the things that she said stuck with me. She said, "We have always had dysfunctional families. It used to be that we dumped them out into a fairly functional culture. This is no longer true. Families are still dysfunctional, but now the culture is as well."

Aleshire points out that "moving out of the security of a family into a world of peers is frightening" (1982, 95). Pipher suggested that adolescents push away from the protection of their family at the time in their life when they need that protection the most (1994, 23).

Adolescent independence is expressed as teenagers begin to distance themselves emotionally from parents and move toward friends (Cole & Cole 1993, 583, cited in www.personal.psu.edu/faculty/n/x/nxd10/adolesce.htm, accessed 8/7/00). The importance (self-perceived) of friendships for adolescents increases. Friends provide affirmation, security, and a sense of identity (Aleshire 1982, 95). During adolescence peer friendships increase in their importance.

However, teenagers are still actively seeking their parents' approval and do not want to come across as trivial or childish. Because of this, adolescents are more likely to be open with their friends than their parents, discussing such issues as dating, sexuality, personal experiences, and common interests (Savin-Williams & Berndt, as cited in Feldman & Elliot, 1990).

Adolescents in the United States move into secondary schools that are generally larger than elementary schools, and they are more mobile than younger children. Therefore, they have a greater opportunity to associate with peers (Cole & Cole 1993, cited on PSU Web site). Demands for autonomy accompany the new friendships. They question their parents' authority. The major decision of adolescence is who will decide. Conflict arises when children decide that they should have a vote in what they can and cannot do (Allyn & Bacon 1994, cited on PSU web site, www.psu.edu).

In my classes I enjoy brainstorming about movies that depict friendships. Movies like My Girl and My Best Friend's Wedding always get mentioned. I think a classic is American Graffiti, which shows a 1962 version of adolescent friendship patterns. I remember thinking, It seemed simpler then. Admittedly, it wasn't. A television show which depicted the give-and-take of adolescent friendships during the 1990s, My So Called Life, lasted only a season or two before it went off the air. A student speculated on the reason: "Who wants to watch a show that reminds us of the pain of real life?" A new "documentary" called American High covers some of the same ground, but in viewing an audience obsessed with "reality TV," the newer show appears to be doing better.

Same-sex friendships are extremely important, particularly in younger adolescents. Self-disclosure is the desired experience—sharing emotions, support, intimacy, and advice. Girls are more likely to express friendship by talking and sharing their feelings. Though more pronounced in younger adolescence, girls desire (Cobb 1998, 256-57)

• Trust.
• Emotional support.
• Mutuality.
• Confidentiality.
• Loyalty (challenged when friends begin to date).

In later adolescence girl friendships focus more on personalities. Some intensity is gone, but intimacy continues to develop. Boys are likely to develop emotional closeness through sharing activities like sports. In early adolescence friendships are almost exclusively same sex. Boys look for someone with whom they can do things. They show little interest in personality as long as activities are compatible. Even in late adolescence boys rate same-sex friendships as more valuable than those with girls.

With regard to peer groups, surprisingly few gender differences exist in peer interaction patterns. Perhaps the most pronounced is the tendency for females to focus on the relationship while males focus on the activity. An example (attributed to Carol Gilligan, cited in Cobb 1998) is that girls who are playing and have a disagreement will go their separate ways to protect the relationships so that they can play again another day. Boys who get into an argument make more rules and keep playing. Boys value the game more, while girls value the friendships more.

Peer groups have recently been shown to provide surrogate family support (gangs). The role played by peers in adolescence is critical. Relationships with peers during the adolescent years imitate later adult relationships in social relationships, in work, and in interactions with members of the opposite sex. Teenagers who do not learn how to get along with others by the time they reach adulthood are likely to face obstacles in years ahead.

Since adolescents spend twice as much time with peers than with parents or other adults, the lack of supervision in peer groups is significant. While the phenomenon we call "peer pressure" is influential, the notion of the reluctant teenager being pressured into at-risk behavior by friends may be too simplistic. Self-selection may be at work. Adolescents probably select their closest friends because they have similar interests. It is more likely that the pressure to engage in at-risk behavior is partly due to adolescents' hanging around friends that will influence them because they want to try out a specific behavior.

As an example, consider a music study we did here at the seminary last year. My students surveyed teenagers to see if the type of music they listened to was related to their behavior. The results showed a connection between teenagers listening to heavy metal music and antisocial behavior, which was no real surprise. It is not known, however, whether the behavior is a result of the music or if antisocial teenagers prefer a certain type of music (Terrell and Jackson 2000).

The influence friends bring about may be direct or subtle. The perception that "everybody is doing it" may be more influential than the reality. For example, a young person may think that everyone is smoking or everyone is sexually active and may therefore feel pressure to try those behaviors. The specific areas in which "peer pressure" is likely to be felt include body image, clothing style, choice of social activities, sexual activity, and involvement with alcohol or drugs (Mueller 1999, chapter 7).

Of all of the activities adolescents get involved in (hanging out at the mall, working, talking on the phone, going to school, participating in extracurricular activities), it is likely that dating, romance, and intimacy with the opposite sex eventually take center stage. The reasons adolescents date are varied (Powell 1989, The Dating Book, 10):

• Recreation
• Status
• Social relationships
• Intimacy
• Sexual/physical contact
• Companionship
• ID
• Curiosity
• Get out of the house
• Free food
• Companionship
• Shock
• Premarriage
• Be like everyone else

Adolescents date in ways other than the typical, "one on one, pizza and a movie" evening. Casual or "friend" dates, group dates, and dutch treat (meet at the mall) situations are becoming much more common.

The practice of dating has come under scrutiny in recent years. Proponents of dating among adolescents say that it helps to develop care, foster social skills, and enhance self-esteem. Opponents, many of whom favor the alternative called courtship, believe that godly parents can teach their children to commit to "emotional abstinence" when the dating years approach. They feel that the pressure to date, the pressure to be involved sexually within dating relationships, and the hurt caused by the cycle of breaking up are too high a price for the benefits gained from dating.

Martha Ruppert (2000, 24), whose writing is representative of a number of authors who recommend "kissing dating goodbye," describes the practice of dating for both believers and nonbelievers:

For many unbelievers, marriage is not even the long-term goal of dating; dating means getting to know someone and having sex with that person until boredom or conflict sets in, then moving on to the next partner. And for Christians, "going steady" means "cleaving then leaving" over and over with several romantic partners, rather than "leaving and cleaving" with one God-given partner (2000, 24).

Ruppert further suggests that dating is dangerous because:

1. It can damage emotions.
2. It stirs passions.
3. It can cause misplaced priorities.
4. It damages friendships.
5. It divides parents and children.
6. It threatens marital happiness.

Ruppert makes a strong case for the hurt that has been caused by the out-of-control industry known as dating, pointing out the breakdown of healthy inhibition and modesty (2000, 80). She advocates biblical courtship, which involves social engagement only as friends (brothers and sisters in Christ). The family is to be the center of the decisions about close friendships, and activities with those friends are filtered through the close relationship between parents and teenagers. 

Though other writers would describe Ruppert's approach as unrealistic in today's society, it is widely accepted that dating is a common source of tension between parent and teenager. Common arenas are age at which dating begins, whom an adolescent is allowed to date, and the choice of activity on a date. Proponents of supervised dating also advocate parental intervention.

For example, if an adolescent wants to start dating at age 12, and a parent feels that he/she is not ready, then the parent may suggest the following (Penn State University Web site www.psu.edu accessed 8/9/00):

• To go to a movie with a group of friends including both boys and girls. Explain that this would be a good idea because the adolescent will be able to be with same sex friends also.
• To go out on a date with a friend, either of the same or opposite sex.
• To date casually in an area where other people will be around, so that the adolescent does not end up in an awkward, or even dangerous situation.

Whether we choose to espouse and teach biblical courtship or to help our teenagers navigate the waters of dating, Ruppert's advice seems helpful (2000, 15):

• Teach them diligently.
• Win and keep their hearts with love.
• Pray.

A few other social issues deserve our attention. Media influence and media literacy are cultural issues but demand response by Christian parents and youth workers because of their effect on moral, spiritual, mental, social, and emotional development. The New Mexico Project for Media Literacy (www.nmmlp.org) is an excellent resource. Organizations that are concerned are the Center for Media Literacy and the Center for Parent Youth Understanding (www.cpyu.org). The incessant drive for popularity as well as the youth gang (see more about gangs in the chapter on families) are similarly cultural and also well documented in other places.

Homosexuality issues have been in the media lately. Sexual orientation is part cultural and part developmental, with the biological argument coming and going. Teenagers who believe that they are gay are creating campus clubs, holding demonstrations, or quietly living out a lifestyle that cannot line up with God's Word. It is not the purpose of this chapter to deal extensively with this topic, but good information is available. For godly parents and youth workers, our task is to help males learn about masculinity and females about femininity. Postmodern schools may take a different view.

As a case in point, consider that the May 15, 2000 U.S. News and World Report contains an article by John Leo entitled, "Coercion on Campus." The article reports that Tufts University in Medford, Massachusetts, expelled an evangelical group from campus. A student tribunal, with full backing of the university, said that the Christian group violated the campus antidiscrimination policy when they refused to let a member of the group assume a leadership position because she was openly bisexual. The group refused, saying that they cannot have a leader who does not embrace their religious beliefs.

YQ: Reflect on the friendship patterns among your teenagers. How are they similar to what is described here? How do they differ?