Social Growth in Children

Social growth becomes increasingly important to children during the elementary school years. Friendships become more complex, the peer group more accepting or rejecting, and in the 21st century, the advent of younger gangs and violence in the schools all influence the social growth of children. Here we will consider (1) friendship, (2) the peer group, and (3) difficult social situations in the 21st century.

Friendship. Friends are extremely important to children. They promote social competence, provide security, and support and help children learn to solve conflicts or disputes. Friendships change significantly from ages 6 to 12. During the early elementary grades, friends are seen as someone with whom to play. Listed below are specific answers given by children from each age group when asked, "What is a friend?"

Six-year-old: "A friend is nice and plays with you."

Seven-year-old: "A friend is always nice to you and shares their stuff."

Eight-year-old: "A friend is someone you can trust and play with."

Nine-year-old: "A friend cares about you, plays with you, and trusts you."

Ten-year-old: "A friend is someone to trust, play with, and who likes you back."

Eleven-year-old: "A friend is trustworthy, caring, and there for you."

Twelve-year-old: "A friend is someone you trust or who shares a common interest."

The peer group. A peer group is defined by equality. A peer is someone who has equal status with another, one who is operating at a similar level of behavior. Schools are designed around peer groups, and so peers frequently interact on a daily basis. Peers share specific norms that are social rules about how members should act. Peers can help develop a sense of belonging in children. However, there is almost always a pecking order in a peer group.

Specific types of peer groups include clubs, cliques, and gangs. A club is an organized group that is usually supervised by an adult, such as Brownies or Cub Scouts. A clique is a group of children who develop distinctive patterns of dress, talk, and ways of thinking and acting. A gang imposes strict codes of dress, talk, and ways of acting that are often antisocial or violent in nature. Every year elementary children are increasingly susceptible to gang involvement.

Peer acceptance or rejection is a bigger deal as children become older. In any class of 10 or more people, the following classifications usually emerge. Popular children are those who are liked by many and disliked by few. Rejected children are those who are disliked by many and liked by few. But that's not all. There are other types as well. There are controversial children who are liked by many and disliked by many as well. Then there are neglected children who are almost invisible. They appear to be neither liked nor disliked by the others. Finally, there are the average status children who are liked by a few and disliked by a few.

Do you have popular, rejected, controversial, neglected, and average status children in your program? How do you deal with each type of child?

Interestingly, there are several reasons we can identify many of the factors that influence peer acceptance or rejection. Some of these include parenting style, position in the family, intelligence, names, and physical characteristics. Parents who are overly strict are more likely to have children who are less popular. Also, firstborn children tend not to be as popular as are younger siblings. Children who are considered dumb are also often unpopular. A child's name will also influence popularity. Certain names are more popular than others, and this changes from generation to generation. Boys who have a name more commonly given to a girl are vulnerable to teasing. Also, children who are more muscular and represent what society considers as beautiful are more likely to be popular.

Despite these facts, there are ways adults can improve social skills. These include (1) modeling (teaching by example), (2) maintaining high expectations for all children, and (3) using social skills training. However, these work best with younger children. (It is important to remember that the older the children, the more influence the peer group will have and the less effect the adults will have.) Rejected children may improve their skills through help from caring adults, but they may still have many difficulties due to their past reputation.

Modeling or teaching by example is one way teachers can help rejected children. We often teach lessons about kindness, cooperation, and God's love; but if we want children really to care for one another, we must show them instead of tell them. Dorothy is a seven-year-old who comes to church every Sunday. The other children do not want to play with Dorothy for several reasons. Dorothy's family is poor, and she has only three dresses. The children complain that Dorothy smells. They say this in front of her and refuse to sit by her. The workers in the second-grade Sunday School class have told the children to stop saying such things and to sit down. This seems to have made matters worse. Some children absolutely refuse to sit by Dorothy and are angry with the teachers for insisting they do. Mrs. Adams has a different approach. She graciously and patiently includes Dorothy in all activities and makes a point to welcome Dorothy at every appropriate opportunity. However, Mrs. Adams does not overdo it. She simply makes it part of her nature to incorporate fair participation from everyone.

In what ways can you model kindness for children like Dorothy?

Mrs. Adams also maintains high standards of conduct for everyone. Children know what is expected and are appropriately reminded of expected modes of conduct. Mrs. Adams has three simple rules for her classroom. You cannot hurt yourself. You cannot hurt others. You cannot destroy property. When a situation becomes tense around Dorothy, Mrs. Adams reminds the children of the rules before the situation escalates or gets out of hand. She might say, "Now remember, we do not hurt others in this room. That means we do not say unkind things to or about anyone. How many of you understand and can do this?"

Sometimes children are rejected because they do not know how to play with or interact with other children. A third option available to these children is social skills training. Such training is most often attempted by a school counselor or psychologist. In social skills training rejected children are taught skills about how to interact with other children. A lot of role-playing and coaching occurs in these social skills training sessions. The school counselor or psychologist follows up in the school classroom to see how the rejected child is doing and to continue working with the child on ways to get along. Social skills training is not always successful. It appears to work much better with younger children. (For more information see Helen Bee, The Developing Child [Boston: Allyn and Bacon, 2000].)

Difficult social situations in the 21st century. Parents and teachers were given an alarming wakeup call in April 1999 after the shootings at Columbine High School. School violence became a reality for all of us. In many ways school violence is much worse than we had ever expected. The crime rate involving children in terms of being both the perpetrators and the victims has increased dramatically since 1985. Weapon carrying, robbery, aggravated assault, sexual assault, and even murder have increased.

The types of crimes children commit are well documented. The following list of crimes kids commit is listed in order from most common to least common—from Beth Warner, "Risk Factors for School Violence" in Urban Education, March 1999. Children are more involved today in student-on-student violence, student-versus-teacher assaults, weapon carrying, racial and ethnic crimes, gang crimes, knifings and/or shootings, drive-by shootings, and even rape. Researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine report that 135,000 American children carry guns to school each day. Only 63 percent of these are high school students. In fact, 24 percent of those who carry guns are in middle school, and 12 percent are in elementary school. Amazingly 1 percent of those who carry weapons to school are in preschool.

School violence can occur at any time during a school day, and most of it occurs in classrooms and hallways. It most often occurs during free time or when children are involved in independent work or even when the teacher is doing a presentation. In elementary and middle schools the areas of the school most vulnerable for violent activity are hallways, buses, bathrooms, outside events, and the gymnasium.

Most children who commit violence are males, and most children who are victims of violence are males. In fact, 93 percent of those who commit violence in schools are males, while 76 percent of the victims are also males. Interestingly, the grade levels with the highest percentage of violence are grades seven and eight. Further, violence is more likely to occur within the same ethnic group, and in most cases the perpetrators and victims know each other. However, children of minority groups are more often the victims of school crime.

Who are the children most likely to be victimized? Children who are rejected, unpopular, socially isolated, scared, special education students, and those who have just changed schools are more likely to be the victims of school crime. However, as we have seen recently in random shootings, all children are vulnerable. Today over half of children in middle school report that they feel unsafe at school. This interferes with their ability to think, and this tension can contribute to preventing them from becoming all that God wants them to be.

Who are the children most likely to commit violence? As we have already mentioned, the vast majority of violent acts are created by males. Many of these boys live in single-parent homes in which there is a lot of family conflict. Children who are either insufficiently monitored or overly punished are more likely to be violent. In other words, both extremes tend to produce more violent behavior—children whose parents don't know what they're doing and those who are severely punished. Most often these males are highly impulsive and have not been taught ways to control these impulses. They also have limited coping skills and are often socially and academically unsuccessful in school.

As Christians we can be part of the solution. There are specific things we can know and do to make a difference. We can do our part by avoiding excessive competitiveness, and we can make our teaching both interesting and relevant. We can also become keenly aware of the characteristics of children who are perpetrators and victims of violent acts. We know that boys who have poor or overly strict parental supervision, who are frustrated and impulsive are at-risk for creating trouble. We also know that children who are socially rejected, in special education, scared, or even the new kids on the block are more susceptible to maltreatment.

What can you do to help children learn to deal with their anger? From what you have learned about victims and perpetrators of crimes, what can you do to help stop violence among children?