Divorce

Divorce is one of the more complex issues of the 21^st century. The influence divorce has on a particular child is based on at least six, possibly more, situations. These include, (1) the length of time  since the divorce, (2) the child's level of vulnerability, (3) the socioeconomic level of the child after the divorce (and other economic stressors), (4) the family composition, (5) the parents' interaction and mental health, and finally (6) the family schedule.

Length of time since the divorce. The first 18 months after a divorce is usually a crisis time for the children of the family. Many of these children will go through what Kubler-Ross describes as denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. Not all children will go through these; but many, if not most, will. During this time guilt is a predominant emotion. A lot of children blame themselves for their parents' divorce. Teachers at church and parents need to provide tremendous encouragement and support during this time. It is vitally important for the parents to tell the children that the divorce was not the children's fault. After 18 months, children of divorce are more often more adjusted to their situation.

The child's level of vulnerability. Children have different temperaments and personalities. This influences their level of vulnerability. A child's age and sex during the time of divorce also contribute to that child's vulnerability level. Boys appear to be more affected by a divorce because they are more likely to act out their behavior. However, many girls have a tendency to internalize the divorce and withdraw inwardly.

The socioeconomic level. Mothers who gain custody of their children often live in an economic decline that adds to the difficulties of raising children alone. This contributes to the amount of stressors present during the adjustment period after the divorce.

The family composition. How many children are present; where the family lives (such as with grandparents); and the neighborhood, school, and church environment impact a child's adjustment after the divorce. Children who receive a lot of support, possibly from their church family, can make a better adjustment that those who are isolated or have limited family support systems.

The family schedule. Schedules change dramatically after a divorce. Custody issues influence these schedules. Today children may be involved in joint custody in which their schedule changes from week to week. The single parent who is primarily responsible for the children may also have significant family scheduling issues that directly impact the children. Work schedules and after-school care are often major issues.

Suggestions for Helping Children
Through a Divorce

Church workers and volunteers can assist in helping children through a divorce. These actions include:

1. Provide encouragement and spiritual support to all children—especially those who are going through the initial stages of a divorce.
   
   
2. Be sensitive to issues of divorce related to religion. Specifically, children of divorce may have parents of different faith, not only within a Christian perspective but also between Christianity and other religions. (For example, a child may have a father who is Muslim and a mother who is Southern Baptist.) In some cases the child's attendance of church activities may be an issue with one of the parents.
   
   
3. Be a good listener and observer, but remember that most teachers are not trained psychologists or social workers. When issues arise related to divorce, it is sometimes necessary to seek help and guidance in working with children and families who express excessive anger or emotions during the divorce process.
   
   
4. Examine your own prejudices about divorce, and pray that God will help you accept all children, regardless of their family situation.
   
   
5. Finally, be sensitive on special occasions such as Mother's Day or Father's Day.  Know each child's situation. Make sure you include all children on these days. Make sure no child feels ashamed or guilty because his or her family situation (such as a single-parent home) is different.