LIVING WITH TEENS

Something to Talk About

By Rachel Lovingood

Alarming statistics remind us that, as parents, we need to work hard to keep our tweenagers from making mistakes that can affect them for the rest of their lives. This is especially true regarding sexual issues. Tweens are developing socially, and that inevitably means interest in the opposite sex. We must equip our tweens to make godly choices, and thereby to resist the influences they constantly receive from the world around them.

Pay Attention
The culture of middle schoolers is very sexual-from their music, to the television shows they watch, to their hallway conversations. If you've resisted talking with your tweens about sex and dating, then you're already behind. It's vital that you keep communication lines open so you recognize when issues need to be addressed. If you're reluctant to speak openly with your tweens about sex, the world is more than willing to speak on your behalf-and you may not like the message they preach.

If you aren't sure what messages your middle schoolers have received, watch the television shows that capture their attention, read lyrics to their favorite songs, and check out the Web sites they surf. You may be stunned.

Clothing Speaks
Another way to get a better understanding of what has influenced your tweens is to look at the clothes they want to wear. Are the styles provocative? You can learn a lot by observation and by asking a pointed question: "Why do you want to buy that outfit?"

Don't accept the standard: "Because it's the style." Although it's difficult to find stylish clothes that aren't too revealing, it is possible. The main goal is to help your tweenagers identify why they choose certain types of clothing. If they want to be admired for physical reasons, discuss how Christians should dress and the importance of inner beauty.

Find verses that reinforce your points (such as 1 Tim. 2:9). Encourage your tweens to pray about how their style of dress affects their witness at school.

Out of Bounds
Other things that that signal your tweens' interest in sexual issues include the amount of time they spend talking with the opposite sex-and how much they talk about them, both on the phone and online. It's normal for tweens to become interested in dating, and now is the time for you to influence the attitudes that will affect the decisions they'll make about the opposite sex.

A survey conducted by Seventeen magazine and The Kaiser Family Foundation in 2003 found that 92 percent of surveyed teens believe it's a good thing to be a virgin.(1) If that statistic is even close to accurate, why are so many teens and tweens sexually active? There's probably no single answer to that question, but other studies reveal common factors that parents can use to establish guidelines and boundaries that will help tweens maintain purity.

One of these eye-opening recent studies, published in the November 2002 issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family, reported that 56 percent of teens surveyed had their first sexual experience at their own home or the home of their partner. What two months are most common for first sexual encounters? December and June, according to the study.(2) Apparently, an abundance of unsupervised free time can lead to undesirable behavior, and even solid Christian teens can make bad decisions when faced with repeated temptation in unsupervised environments.

Know what your tweens are doing when you aren't home. Establish and enforce rules and boundaries for those times. Who's allowed to visit? What rooms can no one visit during those times? (Establish the "no bedroom" rule.) Also, ensure the presence of proper supervision when your tweens visit the homes of friends. Enlist other parents and develop a network of concerned adults who will be eyes and ears for each other. When your teens head out the door, know where and with whom they're going. Set guidelines for acceptable behavior and talk about how the choices they make now will affect their witness, reputation, and even their future. Be a proactive, encouraging, and protective presence, not one obsessed with making every decision for them. Remind your tweens that you want to create an environment where they can be successful.

It's vital, too, that you spend time reenforcing the positives of making wise choices. Stress that abstinence has many benefits, and help your tweens understand that a commitment to sexual purity is not a dating death sentence. The Kaiser Family Foundation reported that 84 percent of teens surveyed decided not to have sex because of religion or moral beliefs, so focus on the scriptural commands your tweens obey by remaining pure. Don't be afraid to use Scripture as the basis for the boundaries you set.

Communicate Well and Often
Good communication is critical, so speak with your middle schooler about sexual issues-and then speak with your Heavenly Father about your tweens and the sexual pressures they face. Pray for wisdom and discernment as you parent your tweenagers. Pray that, day by day, your tweens will fall more in love with Jesus so they won't need the physical affection of others as strongly. The book The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian has specific verses that apply to many common issues for tweens and ways that you can use those verses to pray powerfully.

The world is coming after our middle schoolers like never before. As parents we must equip them become lights in a dark world. Ask God to guide you as you seek to help your tweens embrace purity and grow to become godly adults.

1. "A Series of National Surveys of Teens About Sex: Virginity and the First Time," The Kaiser Family Foundation and Seventeen magazine[online], October 2003 [cited 28 October 2004]. Available from the Internet: www.kff.org.

2. Journal of Marriage & Family, November 2002, Vol. 64, Issue 4, p. 871.

(This article originally appeared in the February 2005 issue of Living with Teenagers magazine. For more information about Living with Teenagers, please visit the LifeWay magazine Web site at www.lifeway.com/magazines.