LIVING WITH TEENS

My Parents Helped Me Wait

by Zach Winfield
Living With Teens - March 2001

I have a confession to make. I'm not an expert on teen psychology, sexual issues, sociology, adolescents, or parenting. But I've been studying teens for about six years now. I've lived around them. I've been in school with them. And then of course there's another qualification. I am a teen. I know that most Moms and Dads are a little freaked out about all the changes that are going on inside of their kids during the teenage years. Believe me, we are too. There are boatloads of problems, issues, and challenges. Agreed, I'm not an expert, but I think I've lived with two experts: Mom and Dad.

Mom and Dad have been great even though we've had our moments of frustration. I think they've done a great job overall. Next year I'm going to college. I can't wait! But I'm glad my parents helped me through these years. When Living With Teenagers asked me to write this article, I didn't really have a clue where to begin. I decided that I'd just mention a few things that Mom and Dad did to help me make the right choices about sex.

The Trip

When I was about to go into junior high school, my Dad took me on a trip that I'll never forget. We drove from Minneapolis to Detroit to see the Timberwolves play the Pistons. I love basketball and the game was awesome, but what made it memorable was the time we had in the car. I had wondered why we didn't fly. Dad had a ton of free miles saved up. After we began the trip I understood why he decided to drive. We spent hours talking about dating, courting, sex, and girls. We listened to a few tapes that he had bought for the trip and we discussed the issues afterwards. I have to admit that I felt uncomfortable more than a few times on the trip, but I needed to hear several things. We had already had "The Talk." You know … the basics about how sex works. But this time was different. On this trip we talked about what it means to be a man and how important it was to abstain from sex. I knew it was uncomfortable for Dad, but I really appreciated him taking the time out to clear up some myths and make me aware of why abstinence works.

On the way home after the game, Dad gave me a necklace with a key on it. He said it was a symbol of my virginity and the agreement we made that weekend with each other and the agreement I made to God to not have sex before marriage. On my honeymoon, I plan to give that key to my bride. That will be an exciting night! I don't want to ruin my future by having sex before marriage. Now, everyday when I look in the mirror I see that key and I remember the commitment I made.

We had two other trips after that one and I really enjoyed them too. I felt like they helped me understand where my parents were coming from and helped them understand me better. But these weren't spur-of-the-moment, accidental events. They took planning.

My Big Mistake

I don't even like talking about it, much less writing about it. But I know that millions of teenagers are struggling in this area and if it helps a parent make the right choice, it will be worth it. When I was in the tenth grade, I made a major mistake. My parents bought a computer for me for Christmas that year and I fell in love with the Internet. I spent hours surfing and learning how to build a site. Every few days I was tempted to visit adult sites. I felt so ashamed after I'd go to one, but the compulsion grew stronger and stronger. One day my parents found out about it. I could tell it tore them up inside. But in truth, it was the best thing that could ever happen in the situation. We switched to a filtered Internet service provider called LifeWayonline. Now there is no way that I have access to those sites. Just a side note: filtering software is a poor way to keep teens from visiting sites because there are ways around the filter. A filtered Internet Service Provider is the way to go.

Guidelines

If you want to help us make it through teen years, please give us sensible and clear guidelines. Keep in touch with us and get to know our friends and the people we date. My parents did a great job of setting up specific guidelines. They didn't just say, "Be home early." They said, "Be home at 9:30 PM," for example. They also told me the consequences when they set the guidelines. I got to help them decide what disciplinary actions should be taken if I didn't comply. This made me feel like I had clear boundaries and that I had a voice in the process. Having specific guidelines that I knew they would be monitoring removed tension between my parents and me. It also helped me abstain from sex. I knew that the communication lines would be shooting on all cylinders and they very aware of what was going on in my life. I have friends whose parents never set specific guidelines for dates, behavior, curfews, and principles. Guess what? None of them are virgins.

Pray with us and for us

I'm so glad that I have parents who are growing in Christ. They aren't perfect but they are teaching me what life will be like as a Christian adult. They don't candy-coat the world either. I know they struggle with sin and trouble just as I do. Probably one of my most incredible memories is from a couple of years ago. I woke up around 2 in the morning, went to the bathroom, and was on my way back to my bedroom when I heard a voice. It stopped me in my tracks. After a few seconds I recognized my Mom's voice. She was praying for me! She was praying specifically for my life, my future mate, and my issues of temptation that I face on a daily basis.

Other Great Tips

I know that I'm just about out of space but I wanted to mention a few other things my Mom and Dad did that helped me survive.

• They verbally said they loved me, even when I didn't answer back. I especially needed to hear them say it when I was going through a few rebellious days (even though I wouldn't dare admit it.)
• My parents were always open to talk about anything and they let me know that.
• They also insisted on meeting my friends and, of course, the girls I dated. And they were cool about it. They didn't give us the third degree or drop the 10-pound Study Bible on our heads when we walked through the door. But my friends who met my folks never doubted that Mom and Dad genuinely loved me and they were interested in them.
• They bordered on nosey, but as I look back on it, I know that it was for my own good. It kept me out of a lot of trouble.
• They loved each other. I know friends who have parents who hate each other and they grow up so cynical about marriage. My best friend told me he's never even seen his parents kiss. He's so cynical and I don't know what to say to him. My parents debated but they always squared up after it was all said and done. I knew that my Mom and Dad were going to keep their marriage commitment because they told me that constantly.

If you are a divorced parent, I don't think you should feel like your kids are going to suffer permanently. I know that God's grace is bigger than our sins. I have several friends whose parents have been through divorce, and because they knew they were loved, they were able to make it through the storms.

There will be times when you wonder whether we are going to make it through. But I know that God loves your kids even more than you do. Mom and Dad always told me that. I'm glad that I have the unconditional love of a mom, a dad, and God. Truly that has made the difference in my life. That's what helped me say no so far.