How to Get a Grip in the Heat of an Argument

Written by Dr. Henry Cloud

Question: I’m usually a pretty nice girl. However, when I get into an argument I fly into a rage. I can be a name caller, and I tend to say things that I know will hurt. The thing is, I know I learned this behavior from my parents. It’s exactly the way they argue with one another. I don’t want to treat people I love that way, but I don’t know how to stop. How can I get a grip on myself in the heat of an argument?

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding

Good news. You can grow out of this behavior because you are taking ownership of your actions and not blaming whomever you get angry with. You know this is your problem and you need to do something about it before you lose people you love.

 Answer: So, how do you change? Start by finding a counselor and commit to going. This will give you a structured, prescribed place to work on your anger and the opportunity to give it enough time and attention. Take a closer look at how you internalized the behavior from your parents, and work through the feelings and thoughts you have about their actions. Talk about how their actions hurt you and call it what it was – sin.

The Bible says to confess our sins and the sins of our fathers (Nehemiah 9:2). When you do that, you are differentiating yourself from that behavior, calling it wrong, and seeing where it came from. That’s the way generational patterns are broken. As you express your hurt about it all, forgive your parents too. Forgiveness is key to the process.

Work hard on learning some new communication patterns. Anger often comes from feeling hurt and powerless. As you learn how to express your hurt and be assertive, you won’t feel so threatened which leads you to blow up. The anger can be activated by old hurt and by a lack of coping skills, which leaves you feeling powerless. Take care of both by healing and learning new skills.

Learn to take a time-out when you feel yourself getting riled up. At that point say, “I need a minute to think about this.” Go and sit somewhere if you need to, and think about how you want to say what you are feeling. Then talk about it when the emotion is gone.

Watch for a pattern in when you get angry. Is it when you are threatened? Criticized? Someone says “no” to what you want? As you see the pattern, it may lead you to a clearer explanation of what’s actually behind your emotions.

Get a friend to hold you accountable and pray for you. Talk to him or her daily if needed. Even if just for a moment, having a conversation about what you’re feeling will give you the perspective and support you need. In addition, meditate on Scriptures that apply to your circumstances. For example, James 1:19 says, “My dearly loved brothers, understand this: everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” Let God’s Word remind you and empower you.

Lastly, tell others that you know you have this problem and that you are working on it. Talk with them about a plan for what to do when you start to get angry. They could hold up their hand and say “stop,” or walk away, or whatever you decide together. But make it a team effort.

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California.

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.