Pastor Philip Phipps had prepared a well-thought-out series of messages on the family. This series included such timely topics as communication, discipline, and spiritual training. As he began the messages, the congregation received them with enthusiasm. There was, unfortunately, one exception—his wife!
Conflict
He had noticed her negative facial expressions the first Sunday of the series. But then who could really understand women? He finally dismissed it with the old adage, “You can’t please all the people all the time.”
By the fifth sermon, however, it was really beginning to bother him. Couldn’t she recognize that her spirit wasn’t right? Didn’t she see that she was in the minority? Most of the people were responding well to the series. In a somewhat indignant but ministerial tone he asked, “Honey, what’s the matter?”
Boy, did he get it! A two-word summary of her comments would read: “You hypocrite!” Examples flowed like a torrent as she described his neglect of his own family. She ended her sudden tirade with two incidents that had occurred the previous week.
The first had occurred early Saturday morning as Rev. Phipps donned a pair of blue jeans and a work shirt. “Ah,” his wife smiled to herself, “that darling.” She recalled the weeks gone by when she’d endured a drippy faucet and the broken chair, but there were always committee meetings, counseling sessions, leader training, outreach, and other commitments. Now he was going to fix those problems.
It was not until her husband reached for his hat that she realized the bitter truth. “Honey, a bunch of the fellows are helping Ed with his roof this morning. Since he had that bad fall he’s been grounded by his doctor.” The pastor whistled his way out the front door, oblivious to the deepening color in his wife’s cheeks.
The second incident occurred later in the same week. The family had tickets to a popular—and sold-out—theatrical production that was appearing for a short time in their town. Mrs. Phipps had hurried the kids into their clothes a full hour early. “We won’t get a good seat otherwise,” she warned.
Just as the family headed for the front door, the phone rang. It was dear Mrs. Bedridden asking the pastor to come over and pray with her. “It’ll only take a minute,” the pastor explained hanging up the receiver. “I’ll drop you at the door and you can save me a seat.”
Imagine his surprise when, 35 minutes later, he reached for his wife’s hand in the darkened theater and instead received a cool rebuff. What’s wrong with her, he thought to himself. Now, as he listened to her unload her pent-up frustrations, he found out.
“I get tired of always playing second fiddle,” she was saying. “It’s not just an occasional problem, but a pattern. It’s always the church first and then the family second.”
Lights of perception began to flood his mind. Jealousy, he thought smugly, remembering the seven deadly sins. My wife is jealous of the church!
Competition
Christ never intended His bride to be “the other woman” in your wife’s life. One pastor’s wife lamented, “If only it were a real, live, flesh and blood female I’m losing out to. Maybe then I could win my husband back. But how do you compete against a church?”
Unfortunately, many pastors’ wives feel they are in a struggle for their husbands’ allegiance. Why? A pastor’s wife may see her husband giving himself sacrificially for the church but having little time for her. She remembers reading, “Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25). Does my husband love me that much? she wonders.
The tragedy in these situations—and others like them—is that the pastor’s wife has nothing against Ed or his roof. Her feelings for Mrs. Bedridden are tender and sincere. But because her husband has given them his immediate attention, she finds herself resenting them. She rarely receives that kind of attention. She notices when her husband rushes in the middle of the night to the bedside of a sick church member or to pray with a distressed family. But when one of their kids wakes from a bad dream, he pulls the covers higher over his head while Mom cares for the child’s needs.
Caring
What she hears is, “Your needs are important, but they can wait. I must first take care of the needs of the church.” Of course, both are important. But it’s important to remember that our families are the primary ministry field that God has given us. God doesn’t expect us to care for one to the exclusion of the other. A healthy balance is hard to achieve, but it always pays rich dividends.
Pastors who have found this balance set boundaries. Though emergencies may arise, they know that not all ministry is an emergency. Sometimes others can help care for needs. They’ve learned that it’s often possible to schedule ministry at times that don’t conflict with family commitments. Frequently a prayer over the phone will suffice for the moment.
Don’t let the constant demands of ministry rob you of the blessings of your family. Wives and children understand that you have commitments, but they want to know that you value them and are willing to make time for them. Treasured moments can’t be programmed. They happen when you make time to enjoy them.
Adapted from a previously published article. Used by permission.
Betty Hassler is a pastor’s wife. Her husband pastors a church near Nashville, TN.
© 2001-2008
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