Fortysomething

Written by Lori Smith

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Your 40s may begin with an intense struggle for contentment. Linda Hardin, a 50-something single, did research for her doctoral work on the challenges older singles face. According to Hardin, "Midlife is a time for taking stock, of reshaping and rethinking one's place in life."
         
Men and women experience this phase differently, however. "Single women who did not face or experience an increasing awareness of their biological clocks during their 30s tend to have a heightened awareness in this decade," says Hardin.
        

Single to God: 100 Personal Prayers by Single Adults

"Mourning the loss of 'what will never be' will be intense for some and minimal for others. For those to whom it is a loss, this sadness needs to be acknowledged as real. Experiencing the sadness helps individuals to move ahead and deepen available relationships with children, rather than avoiding such relationships due to the pain they create."
        
Forming a network of people who share their single-adult lifestyles becomes increasingly difficult for men. The accepted life path for men is rigid: Get your work in place, get married, and have children. Not following this path gives appearances of irresponsibility, instability, selfishness, and doubts regarding sexual orientation. What was perceived as an enviable lifestyle in the 30s becomes a detriment at midlife. Since most men experience this attitudinal shift, their sense of self-worth is affected.
 
As a result, work can become the "anchor and organizational focus of daily life" and provide a great source of pride and fulfillment. "Personal meaning is derived from pride in earning one's living, giving to society, and creating something enduring," Hardin says. At the same time, close friends and family — people with a shared history — are increasingly important as well.
 
But Hardin also discovered some singles who were surprised by how content they were in their midlife years. Greg Henry, in his early 40s and single, would tell you he's at peace with his life. "It's not that I wouldn't like to be married," he says. "I would, but I can wait for the right situation. The longer I walk with God being single, the more I trust Him. It doesn't mean any of my desires go away, it just means that I gain more insight into the situation. Looking back, I see that what has happened has been what was best for me at that time, and what is still best for me now."

Karen Hicks, a mentor to singles, has seen friends successfully and unsuccessfully navigate the single-at-40-something waters and says it may be important to get help. "Once you're in your late 30s and 40s and still single, you must come to a place of being at peace about that," she says. "If you need counseling to do that, do it. The Lord knows where you are, and He knows your struggle. It's crucial to seek Him for peace and come to grips with that thought, 'What do you want your life to look like if you never get married?'"
 
For fortysomethings, Hardin offers nine specific tips of advice:

• Give. "Give yourself to as many possible areas as you can," she says. "Give to children, your church, your co-workers, your family members. Put your family first (parents, nieces and nephews, siblings, aunts and uncles)."
• Make traditions with friends, family, and yourself.
• Keep building a circle of friends near you as well as maintaining long-distance friendships.
• If it's still hard for you, learn to do things alone, like eating in a restaurant, taking trips, and so forth.
• Come to peace with your parents if you haven't already.
• Be comfortable with taking help from others, especially if you're a natural "giver" (in which case this can be difficult).
• Become involved in the lives of children — nieces, nephews, children of friends. "They need to know another adult cares about them," says Hardin. "Besides that, you can discuss issues they may not discuss with their parents."
• Grieve your losses. "At this stage, many hopes and dreams remain unrealized for never-married individuals, and others have had hopes and dreams smashed and shattered," she says. "Identify, name, acknowledge, and grieve the losses you've experienced."
• Form new hopes and dreams. "Hopes and dreams are a vital part of life," she says. "They set goals, define aspirations, and provide motivation. Without hopes and dreams, we just kind of flounder along. Begin to envision a life that reflects the events and realities of your life.

Must-Do list for your 40s:
 — Take a dream vacation.
 — Sign up for a summer class.
 — Plant a garden.
 — Hang out with your nieces and nephews for a week.
 — Learn a foreign language.
 — Run a 10K.
 — Lead a Bible study.