Single Parenting with Teens

Written by Kenneth Sanderfer

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Question:
I'm a single mom with three kids. The kid's dad and I have been divorced for almost six years. Things were very difficult following the divorce, but then everyone got in the new routine. Until recently, I've had a great relationship with my oldest daughter who is 14. In fact, it was almost like we were best friends. But now it seems we've become enemies. We're in constant conflict. I've done all I know to do to get her back. Most of our communication is centered around me trying to get her to do what she's suppose to and her taking offense to my questions and reeling in anger. What can I do?

Answer:

How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen: From Toddlers to Teenagers-Connecting with Your Children at Every Age

There's nothing scarier than the thought of losing a relationship with your child. And in the ebb and flow of family, nothing matches the shift that families have to make when children reach the teen years. Traditional disciplines begin to fail. The rules of engagement change. It's no longer a matter of taking away a toy or sending them to their room for time-out. A mom once told me, "Sending her to her room doesn't work anymore; that's where she lives."

Adolescence is the stage when kids begin to move away from their family unit, and this can create a lot of challenges to family members, as they're required to change likewise. This reality can be even more exaggerated in single-parent families because they are often glued together a little tighter. This sense of closeness sometimes appears threatening to teens as they move toward independence. Teens in this situation may feel torn between the normal move toward independence, their loyalty, and the significant role they assume in the single-parent family.

Many times what teens need most in this situation is permission to move outward without feeling guilty or disloyal. They need to know that you as a single parent are going to be OK. In fact, this can be a pivotal point for the single parent as well — a time when they can grant themselves permission to reach outside the family in a social way.

Sometimes when things haven't been working well, family members get stuck in negative ways of relating to one another. When this happens, everyone becomes defensive, and "button pushing" becomes a way of life. Some family members push buttons on purpose, but most of it is done unintentionally.

Teens say these are some of the "buttons" that send them over the edge.

• Preaching and speaking in chapters: One of the top buttons parents can push are sermons like, "How many times have I told you to clean your room? You never clean your room. I get so tired of telling you to clean your room." Many teens will tell you, "I just turn them off. I can't stand it when they go on and on." As a parent, speak in as few words as possible. Simply state the rules and consequences.
• Futurizing: Statements like, "How do you ever expect to keep a job when you grow up if you can't discipline yourself to clean your room?" also push teens. Talk in the here and now. Don't get sidetracked.
• Bringing up the past: Don't remind him about the time you told him to clean his room before the realtors came to look at the house and he had left his clothes on the floor. Just tell him what you need him to do now.

Teens will be the first to tell you that when these buttons are pushed, they lose the ability to hear anything that's said, and they also look for ways to push back. Avoid pushing these buttons, and look for other ways of communicating with your teen. Keep these thoughts in mind the next time things start to get tough at home. 

Kenneth Sanderfer is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Nashville, Tenn.