4 Ways to Let Your Family Know they are Important

Written by Jimmy Draper

A pastor has to let his family know they’re important. Saying “I love you” occasionally is not enough; he has to show them, and he can do this by:

1. Giving them your time
It’s not a new concept, but a pastor needs to put time with his family on his calendar. It is important that he recognizes the milestones in their lives and celebrates with them.

• When my children had ball games, I put that on my calendar.
• When they were teenagers, I tried to be home when they came back from school because I was gone most evenings. It was a good time to shoot basketball, play football, and talk with my boys.

Walking God's Path - The Ministry of Jimmy Draper

Family relationships just involve time. A pastor has to create time with his family and do things with them, go places with them, and let them know they’re part of his life. Parents may buy children everything they want, but what they really need is for their parents to spend time with them.

2. Learn your children’s love language and speak it
Learning children’s love language and responding in ways that are best for them takes time.

• For my youngest son, it’s just time; time is how he understands love. Once a year we spend a week hunting together. He asked me to go with him when he was 16 (he is 42 now), and we’ve gone every year since.
• My oldest son’s love language is affirmation. Tell him how good he looks, how well he’s doing, and how proud you are of him, and he’s just as happy as a lark.

3. Giving your wife special attention
A pastor needs to discover his wife’s needs and give special attention to her. She’s not your associate pastor; she’s you wife. Some church people may make her feel as if she has the responsibility to do more than others do, and that puts her at a great disadvantage.

I used to tell churches, “My wife is not my associate pastor. She’s not going to be church pianist or youth director. She’ll do as much as other women in the church do, but her primary responsibility is to be a mother and a wife.”

A pastor should do something special with his wife on holidays and anniversaries. He shouldn’t forget his wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or Mother’s Day. A gift is not the only way he can affirm her; that’s a fallacy of our culture.

4. Give your children a normal life
A pastor has to ensure that his children have a fairly normal life. He has to love and respect them and allow his children to make decisions on their own as they are able.

I told one church, “My boys are going to get in fights and kiss girls just like other boys.” My children didn’t resent being pastor’s kids, and they didn’t resent church. My children grew up loving church, loving the Lord, and loving their family.

Growing up in a pastor’s home is not always easy. When your children have questions, try to answer them. Don’t condemn them for having questions. Listen to them, and try to understand their perspective. 

James T. Draper, Jr. recently retired as the president of LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention.

Before joining the LifeWay staff in August 1991, he served as pastor of Southern Baptist churches in Texas, Oklahoma and Missouri. He is a former president of the Southern Baptist Convention and also served as chairman of trustees of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

He is the author of more than 20 Christian books and has traveled in 33 countries around the world, leading in evangelistic services and activities, as well as other types of conferences and meetings with missionaries and nationals.