Training Leaders to Respond to Death

Written by William E. (Bill) Young

Kidshare: What Do I Do Now? - Member Book

 Death is a fact of life. We cannot escape it. Every bug, every plant, and every person that is born also dies. Preschoolers and children need help to make sense of death just as much as they need food or warm clothes. They also need to be able to ask questions and get honest responses.

In order for children not to be forgotten, isolated, and left to deal with any confusion and fears on their own as they seek to understand death, leaders should address three issues:

• The definition of death.
• The way in which the child uses magical thinking to rationalize death and other losses.
• The cognitive abilities that children possess to understand death and other losses, which depend on their developmental stage.

Linking the child’s understanding of death to their ages confounds a developmental theory with chronological issues. While the concept has some truth to it, attempting to identify stages of understanding death brings about the possibility of stereotyping children. Throughout the life span, children arrive at levels of understanding as a result of both being taught and of learning through personal experiences.

Here are four basic tasks in which children have to engage to assure that their grief work is, in fact, “good grief.”

• Children must come to an understanding and begin to make sense of what has happened. (This differs with the developmental level of the child.)
• Children need to identify, validate, and express in constructive ways strong reactions to the loss.
• Parents and teachers need to help children commemorate the life that was lived.
• Children must learn to go on living and loving.

Grief, as a result of death, generates a large number of issues for which the child has to deal. There are certain factors that have an impact on the child’s grief and behavior response and include:

• The person who dies.
• The age and relationship of the person with respect to oneself (a playmate, parent, sibling, grandparent, family friend).
• Whether or not the child was present at the time of death.
• Whether or not the death was anticipated.

Ministry to the child in a death situation needs to be intentional. Show your concern by being physically present. Do not try to hide your own feelings of sadness. Begin the conversation on the child’s level. Listen! Answer the child’s questions.

• Avoid euphemisms. Use the words dead and died as opposed to some other expressions.
• Encourage feedback. Do not tell the child how to feel.
• Share your own religious beliefs.
• Attend the funeral.
• Watch for feelings of guilt.
• Acknowledge the anger part of grief.
• Respond to the child’s needs for reassurance.

Read carefully selected children’s books about death. Recognize the fact that grief cannot be hurried. Be prepared to address the “magical thinking” of a preschooler.

Often the best way to help children in death situations is to help their families.

• Provide support and training to parents so that they can help their children in crisis times.
• Encourage parents to avoid burdening their children with the parent’s grief.
• Continue to minister beyond the death event.

Connect with directors and teachers in the Adult and Student Division who may have a sibling or parent of the child in their class. Work with these persons to provide appropriate continuing ministry.

Together with parents, Sunday School directors and teachers can assist preschoolers and children through the mourning process and promote life and loving relationships.

William E. (Bill) Young is a childhood educator/family ministry specialist who directs the First Grade Sunday School Department at First Baptist Church, Nashville, Tennessee.