7 Ways to Minimize Anger Damage in Families

Written by Richard E. Dodge

An undisputed reality in life is that children learn as much, if not more, through absorption than instruction. So parents, beware: Don’t let anger destroy your children.

Notice that I did not say, “Don’t get angry.” I get angry. Your pastor gets angry. Even Jesus got angry. Do you think He smiled when He cleared the temple? Anger is a natural human emotion. How we cope with anger determines what our children learn about anger and thus are influenced by anger. And make no mistake: Anger leaves an impression on children.

We can teach important lessons to our children- directly and indirectly - by how we handle anger and move from negative to positive emotional stability. We can teach coping skills by teaching children to express anger in appropriate ways and move beyond the angry moment or experience. 

Watch your children carefully. If you get angry with your spouse or a friend, watch what your child is hearing or seeing. The more volatile a conflict situation, the greater the impact on a child’s self-image and concept of how to handle life issues.

Talk with children about anger. Help them understand that anger is a normal human emotion, and that sometimes adults - ncluding parents - get angry with one another.

Talk with teachers and other adults with whom your children have contact. If your marriage relationship hits some extended stormy water, be conscious of the possibility that children often transfer their own feelings into other relationships. Teachers can watch more carefully for signs of problems and can be more sensitive if they know what problems children face beyond the school setting.

Avoid artificial resolutions to conflict. Perfunctory apologies can leave scars in children’s minds and hearts that are almost as intense as the absence of apologies or settlements of arguments.

Avoid emotional spillover. Never let marital conflict affect your relationship with your children or carry over into hostility or anger directed toward them. Some children will behave inappropriately just to intervene in family conflict. Recognize that children need love and encouragement when parents are having problems.

Never put others down during conflict, especially your spouse or children. Humiliation, contempt or denigrating remarks can cause serious emotional scars.

Seek counseling help if marital conflict continues. We can’t solve all our problems ourselves. Often the most constructive step adults can take to resolve marital conflict is to admit to someone else that your marriage is in trouble.

If Jesus can bring salvation out of one of the most humiliating experiences of life in His day - death on a cross - then we have no excuse for allowing marriage relationships to end in divorce as quickly as they do in American society today.

Anger and pride mix to form one of Satan’s best tools for destroying marriages. In the process, the “collateral damage” is serious damage to the minds, hearts and self-images of children whom God has placed in our care. If for no other reason, we should do everything we can resolve anger early in our relationships because to do otherwise is to damage our children emotionally and spiritually.