Q&A: How Do I Respond When a Friend Comes Out?

Written by Dr. Henry Cloud

Question:
One of my good friends recently announced that he’s gay. He knows I don’t approve of his lifestyle, but I’m committed to being his friend. However, he’s begun acting differently around me and doesn’t share things like he used to. How do I let him know where I stand?

Answer:
If he already knows you don’t approve of his lifestyle, he knows where you stand. Instead, focus on being the best friend that you can be.

You didn’t say if your friend was a Christian, nor if he had struggled with his decision or had just adopted it as how he is. Those are important considerations.

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If he’s a nonbeliever, then his sexuality isn’t the primary concern at this point. Jesus didn’t come into the world to judge it or condemn it, but to save it (John 3:17; 12:47). If your friend is a non-Christian, his primary need is to come into a relationship with Jesus Christ, not clean up his life. That’s the difference between Christianity and the law: One says “get good to get God” and the other says “get God to get good.” Your primary task isn’t to judge what your friend is doing, but to show him the love of Jesus.

Initially I would be focused on loving him, understanding him, reaching out to him and doing what Jesus did for you when you were lost: He found you in whatever state of sin you were in and brought you grace. So make sure that loving your friend is your highest priority.

If he is a believer, then you have a different role to play. Again, the first step is to show him the love of Jesus and to connect with his heart. He may not talk as he used to with you because he doesn’t know if you’ll accept him. Remember, grace is unmerited favor — meaning, he doesn’t need to be straight to merit your favor.

If he continues to not respond to your attempts to be a good friend, tell him that you sense some distance between you and want to know what’s wrong so you can be close friends again. Ask him if the distance is related to his recent announcement. If it is, let him know that you’re still his friend and don’t want your friendship to end. Your values are certainly important here, but more important is God’s love, which can be shown by your friendship. In that way, you may be a real help to him, instead of being a judge who just takes a stand against him. Talk to people who have experience in ministering to those in his lifestyle. Learn from their insight, compassion and honesty.

Jesus was the one through whom both grace and truth were realized (John 1:17). The best kind of friend you can be is one who shows both. Sometimes that means showing patience and sometimes it means separating yourself from the situation (1 Corinthians 5:11). Seek answers with love, perseverance, prayer and wisdom. God bless your efforts to be redemptive.

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California.