Pastors need to protect themselves during grief ministry

Written by Dallas Speight

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- Ministry to people who are grieving is not unusual for the pastor. It seems to come with the territory. Although it is a part of the pastor’s work, it is often spiritually and emotionally demanding and draining.

Many are familiar with the stages of grief and the process of healing, but seldom take into account the important work of taking care of self in the process of this important ministry.

Listed below are suggestions for the pastor when ministering to someone experiencing grief.

-- Be aware of grief issues in your own life and ministry.

Death is far too often the image that one considers when thinking about grief; however, there are additional grief issues in our lives. Some issues that you might also consider are as follows: relocating from one ministry location to another; children adjusting to new schools and friends; loss of close friendships; loss of a family pet; loss of a dream and on the list goes. Take time to think about the losses within your family.

-- Be aware of unresolved grief issues in your life and ministry.

Not only are there a significant number of losses that each family will face from time to time, those than can create difficulties are the unresolved losses. Though it might seem like a minor loss, little losses often add up and cause distress in all our lives. Take inventory by asking yourself the following questions:

• Do I tend to ignore or spiritualize the losses in my life or those in my immediate family?
• Do I allow myself and members of my family to grieve their losses?

Failure to cope with loss issues in one’s life can become obstacles to healthy functioning and a compassionate heart with caring for others.

-- Be aware of the relationship to the loss.

In my opinion, the most helpful theory regarding loss has to do with the intensity and the relationship to the loss. In other words, you may experience the loss of a family member, yet feel little sadness. It could be that you had little emotional investment in this relationship besides the fact that you were related.

On the other hand, a close pastor friend may die and you find yourself emotionally distraught. In the latter situation, you may experience a greater level of sadness and despair than when a family member passed. For the pastor friend has been just that; he has been one who "stuck closer than a brother." He has also been one with whom you had traveled the path of ministry together since seminary days. You will miss the brief visits together on the telephone and the occasional humorous e-mail. Thus, it is important to remember that you and I will experience a number of losses, but with significantly different levels of relationship. Because of those relationships the level of our grief and the period of healing may vary from loss to loss.

-- Be aware that grief is cyclical.

Unlike many experiences in life, grief is cyclical and not linear. Because of this process it is not uncommon to experience a repetition of emotions within the period of healing. For example, some may experience a variety of emotions more than once. These include anger, sadness, depression and others during the time of healing. It is important to give yourself the necessary time and the ability to grow through these varied experiences during the grief process.

-- Be patient with yourself.

You, as a pastor, have a great and awesome ministry in helping others in times of their grief. However, the most effective caregivers are those who have walked similar paths and understand first hand the pain of the loss, but also the victory that comes in healing.

May the words of the Apostle Paul serve as a reminder to you and those you are called to serve, "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope." I Thessalonians 4:13 (HCSB)