24 Hour Counselor: I/My Girlfriend May Be Pregnant

Hi, I'm JoAnn. Since you've come to this site, you may be needing some straight answers pretty fast about a very serious problem. Teen pregnancy. I'm glad you're here.

Nearly one and a half million teenage girls each year become pregnant. Most of them didn't have a baby in mind at all when they and their boyfriend began having sex. A lot of them never intended to get into sex in the first place. It just happened. So what do you do now?

Let me introduce you to someone who can give you some information and suggestions. Dr. Lane Powell is a family specialist and counselor. She also teaches family courses at Samford University and talks pretty straight with young people about their concerns.

Dr. Powell, what's the first thing a teenage couple should do if they suspect that she is pregnant?

Dr. Powell: Thanks, JoAnn. The first thing is to talk to each other. If the girl hasn't shared this with her boyfriend, that's the place to start. Then the two of them need to talk to their parents as quickly as possible.

JoAnn: I'll bet both of those discussions can be pretty tough for couples in this kind of predicament?

Dr. Powell: You bet. That's why a first step may be to talk with an adult friend you can trust. Talk honestly about all the feelings you're having.

JoAnn: What do you mean by adult friend? Does a youth minister count?

Dr. Powell: Definitely. School counselors or nurses, a coach, or your pastor could also be a good choice. What you want is someone who will listen to your dilemma and support you, maybe even go with you to talk with your parents.

JoAnn: How can a girl know if she's really pregnant?

Dr. Powell: Well, there are a couple of ways. First, there are some physical signs of pregnancy. A missed menstrual period, breast tenderness, and nausea are the three most common. All of these can be caused by things other than pregnancy. But if a couple has had sexual intercourse, they shouldn't assume that the physical symptoms are caused by something else.

JoAnn: But how can they be sure?

Dr. Powell: A pregnancy test is almost always reliable. Drugstores have several tests you can buy without a prescription. But a private physician or a county health clinic is the best choice. They can also give the girl a thorough examination and a very reliable pregnancy test. All of this will be completely confidential. Normally, the exam isn't required in order for the clinic to do a pregnancy test. But I think it's a very good idea to do both.

JoAnn: Why is the exam so important?

Dr. Powell: The pregnant teen's health needs to be checked. If she is anemic or has other health problems, they need to be corrected. She also needs prenatal vitamins and regular checkups in order to assure that she and the baby are getting the best of care.

JoAnn: Couldn't she wait until later for all that?

Dr. Powell: The first three months of pregnancy are the most crucial. That's the time when the baby's brain tissue and most of the vital organs are developing. If the fetus does not get the proper nutrition and care, it may not develop properly. Many babies born to young mothers today are small and sickly because the mothers did not get proper care and nutrition in early pregnancy.

JoAnn: So you're saying that the couple shouldn't put off dealing with the pregnancy until things are farther along?

Dr. Powell: Definitely. It's important to have as much time as possible to plan what to do next, and to let other people help you with this.

JoAnn: Let's go back to the beginning. The girl starts having some of the physical symptoms you talked about. Maybe she and her boyfriend have had sex only one time. What kind of thoughts could be going through her head?

Dr. Powell: One prominent thought is disbelief. Lots of teens don't believe you can get pregnant the first time. But you can. It's even possible to get pregnant during a girl's period, or without actually having intercourse.

JoAnn: You're kidding. How can that happen?

Dr. Powell: You need to know that the male's sperm are very numerous--over three million in a single ejaculation--and very vigorous. They can live up to five days in the female's reproductive organs, waiting for an egg to be released from the ovaries. Sperm can also wiggle into and up the vaginal canal even if only a small amount of seminal fluid is deposited on the outside of the female's vagina.

JoAnn: So even if the couple is not technically having sex, she could get pregnant?

Dr. Powell: I'm afraid that's right. It's not as likely to happen this way, but it's certainly possible.

JoAnn: How does the boyfriend usually react when the girl tells him she thinks she may be pregnant?

Dr. Powell: Well, I'm sorry to say that most guys try to talk their way out of being involved.

JoAnn: How?

Dr. Powell: Saying that she can't prove it's his baby, or getting angry at her for not using birth control, or by avoiding her from then on. I've even heard of guys who left town to keep from having to face it. Some offer to pay for an abortion and urge her to have it done right away.

JoAnn: Is that a solution?

Dr. Powell: It's a choice that many teens and adults make. But it's not what you would call the easy way out. Quite the contrary. Particularly for the girl, feelings of guilt and grief can surface years later. Christians especially have difficulty seeing abortion as an option for handling unwanted pregnancy. The creation of new life--even unintentionally--is at the heart of who God is.

JoAnn: So the couple may be experiencing lots of feelings besides just disbelief.

Dr. Powell: For sure. There's fear, anger, anxiety, and guilt to name a few. And guilt is a big one.

JoAnn: I can see how a person who is a Christian would feel guilty.

Dr. Powell: In the Bible, the word most often translated "sin" is a word that means "to miss the target" or "to wander from the path." Sex before marriage is certainly missing the target in terms of God's plan for people and for families.

I think God wants the best that His world has to offer for each baby, child, teenager, and adult that He created. After all, He made us in His own image. The guidelines the Bible gives help us stay on target toward that goal of reaching the best. Teens shouldn't have to deal with the possibilities of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease that go along with sex. It's not best for a baby to be conceived irresponsibly or to be brought into a world having only one parent. That's one reason why God commands us to wait to have sex.

JoAnn: I see your point. God has commanded that we reserve sex for marriage because it is so risky outside of marriage.

Dr. Powell: But there's another reason why sex within marriage is best for us. Only within marriage can two people feel and understand the joy of total surrender to another human being--knowing that the two of them will care for and love each other and the children that come from that union.

JoAnn: But there's a lot of us who have already missed the target somewhere along the way.

Dr. Powell: We all have fallen short of the target one way or another. No one but Christ has lived a perfect life.

JoAnn: If none of us can live without sinning, what's the use of even trying? If we can't hit the target, why bother?

Dr. Powell: If you can't run well enough to make the Olympic team do you give up running?

JoAnn: No. Because it's good for my body and my overall health for me to run and keep on trying to do my best.

Dr. Powell: Exactly, the same is true about God's commands. It's good for our spirits and our overall development as caring, loving human beings to live a God-centered life.

JoAnn: So how does God feel when we have really messed up about sex?

Dr. Powell: Well, I can't personally speak for God, but I know how Jesus reacted to persons who missed the mark and were repentant. He said they were forgiven at that very moment. The Bible says in 1 John chapter 1, verse 9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." God just wants us to get back on track, and wants us to let Him help us.

JoAnn: That is great news. But how can God help with something like a pregnancy?

Dr. Powell: Well, the couple still has to deal with the reality of their predicament. God provides forgiveness. He also is the source of inner strength and peace. I'm going to turn to the Bible again, Deuteronomy 33:27: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms" (NKJV).¹  It's a marvelous picture of being sheltered by God and being carried in His arms. When you think of being cared for like that, it helps to drive away much of the fear and anxiety.

JoAnn: I like that. It's hard to think straight when you're panicking and scared.

Dr. Powell: At a time like this, especially if her boyfriend is not supportive, a girl may feel like she's all alone and that no one cares.

JoAnn: Yeah, I've read about girls who did desperate things when they discovered they were pregnant, like trying to abort the fetus themselves or trying to commit suicide.

Dr. Powell: This is the greatest tragedy of all. There's no way that suicide or serious harm to yourself will make anyone feel better--not the girl, not the parents, and certainly not God.

If you're thinking about desperate measures like these, please go to an adult friend you can talk to. Don't keep this to yourself. There are many persons who care about you. And of course, God cares eternally. There is a marvelous Scripture in Genesis 28:15 which you need to remember. God promises, "I am with you and will keep you wherever you go" (NKJV). Hang on to that promise. Get to that caring friend right now if you are thinking about harming yourself or your baby.

JoAnn: Let's say her boyfriend is supportive and wants to stand by her. How would you suggest they tell the parents?

Dr. Powell: Well, as I've said, they need to talk to the parents as soon as possible. The teenagers should be together when they tell the parents. Perhaps the boy should lead out. Be prepared for gasps, shock, anger. They are not going to be happy about this.

Some parents will be very supportive after the initial shock has worn off. Others will be very condemning and judgmental. Remind them that you have asked God's forgiveness and He has given it. Now you need their forgiveness and help in deciding what to do next. Keep remembering God's promises to be with you and surround you in His love. That way you can keep your head and make good decisions at this critical time.

JoAnn: What about the boy's parents? Do they have to tell them, too?

Dr. Powell: Very definitely. Both families are equally involved in this dilemma. As much as possible, both the boy and girl should share the costs of the consequences--monetarily and emotionally. When we talk about true love, we talk about standing by someone in the hard times.

Any boy that whispers "I love you," in a parked car should be prepared to put his money and his commitment on the line when the pregnancy test turns up positive. In other words, every guy out there who is sexually active should be prepared to be a father and share all the responsibilities that go with parenthood.

JoAnn: Are you saying that marrying the girl is the only option?

Dr. Powell: No. Going through with the pregnancy and then placing the baby for adoption is one option. There are many couples who are yearning for a child to parent and to love.

JoAnn: Is it really hard for childless couples to find a baby to adopt?

Dr. Powell: Yes. Many girls these days are deciding to keep their babies, so the girl who chooses to place her child for adoption is doing a tough, but very loving act. The birth mother who makes this decision is a very loving, unselfish, mature young woman.

JoAnn: We haven't talked at all about the third option, deciding to keep the baby. What do you think about that?

Dr. Powell: I see that as perhaps the hardest decision of all. Parenting is a long-term commitment, and it's a 24-hour, seven-day-a-week commitment. I think that's why God designed it as a two-person job. Many girls who keep their babies never reach their educational goals. They have to drop out of school and go to work. They never get to experience the freedom and fun of college life and carefree dating.

JoAnn: Or the adventuring you can do when you're young and single.

Dr. Powell: Yeah. They have to spend their time taking a child to the doctor, changing diapers, getting up at night, and patiently dealing with a million cries for help. Of course, there are also smiles and hugs along the way. Those are wonderful and rewarding, but there are lots of really bone-tiring days and nights.

JoAnn: What if the father wants to marry her?

Dr. Powell: Well, that's a beautiful act of caring, and they may sincerely love each other and want to get married. I would caution you about the high rate of divorce among couples who marry this way. More than 80 percent of these couples divorce by the end of the third year of marriage.

JoAnn: It sounds like their chances of staying married aren't too good. Is there anything they can do to improve their chances?

Dr. Powell: They can get involved in counseling with a competent, licensed counselor. But they shouldn't expect to be finished in only a few sessions. They have to realize that starting married life this way adds a great deal of extra stress. They'll have to work doubly hard to keep their romance alive. That means making time for each other, especially after the baby comes.

I believe every couple needs a date night for themselves at least once every two weeks. They can go to an inexpensive movie, rent a movie while the baby is asleep, or just sit in the park with an ice cream cone. They've got to have time together alone. Otherwise, fatigue, resentment, maybe even bitterness will start to build. It's also important that the young family experience the support and guidance of active church involvement.

JoAnn: What final advice can you give a couple facing these decisions?

Dr. Powell: Don't make any quick decisions out of guilt or pressure. Talk with parents, close friends, your pastor or youth minister. And pray for the answers that are right for you and for the baby. This may not be the path God would have chosen for you, but He will be with you every step of the way. In the future, you will be very glad you made the right decision.

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¹Scripture quotations marked "NKJV" are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.