Preparing Deacons to Minister to People in Need, What to Say

Written by George Clark

Deacons have the opportunity to do some of their best ministry in the difficult times of life. A wise man has said, "A friend is someone who walks in just when everyone else walks out."

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"But I don't know what to say," is a frequent lament of the deacon who hesitates to reach out to those in need. The truth is that there are no magic phrases. Although some people seem to be gifted in knowing just what to say, most of us are left speechless or with a painful sense of inadequacy when others are going through times of testing.

One thing is for certain: A strong, quiet presence means much, much more than a ceaseless barrage of well-meant but misapplied cliches. Just being there can speak volumes.

Trying to explain why a traumatic event occurred is rarely productive. If we can learn anything from Job's friends, it is that trying to analyze the situation or attach blame is neither our assignment, nor is it beneficial to those who are in the throes of adversity. There may come a time when it is helpful to analyze and seek purpose, but it is not likely that the first few shocking hours or days are the appropriate time for such analysis.

"I know just how you feel," is a well-meant lie. Truthfully, we can never know just how anyone else feels. Even though we may have had seemingly similar experiences, the uniqueness of the other person's life experiences and conditioning prevents us from truly possessing such intimate knowledge.

A more accurate and honest comment might be...

"I'm sure I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know how I felt when I was going through a somewhat similar time. I am here to tell you that I care for you and for how you feel."

This is certainly no time to elaborate on your own pain. Saying "I know you have it bad but I've had it worse" is definitely not helpful.

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It is also unwise to attempt to give an explanation or make an apology for what God has done. He does not need such help. Although there is no question that "God always knows best," this phrase is often used when human error is the real reason for the tragic circumstance. For example, God doesn't usually make cars wreck or houses burn. We do not always know what God has done.

At a later time when raw emotion has begun to turn to thoughtful analysis, a more appropriate and helpful discussion may relate to how God can use even this tragic circumstance to make "all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."

Giving the hurting person opportunity to express his or her feelings is important. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is help a hurting person cry. The Word tells us that we are to "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep."

George Clark is pastor, First Baptist Church, Pleasant View, Tenn., and retired editor of The Deacon, Proclaim, and Church Administration.

This article was adapted from "Ministering to People Dealing with Traumatic Change" in The Deacon, Winter 2001-02.