Strong-Willed Kids Aren't Bad Kids

Written by Cynthia Tobias

The New Strong-Willed Child

Strong-willed kids get a bad rap. But being strong-willed is definitely not a negative trait. You want your kids to have a good dose of strong will. That's how they hold up and make it through life.

Strong-willed kids are willing to die for their causes. As a strong-willed child, I learned at 18 months that nobody can make me digest peas. Maybe they can force one or two in my mouth, and maybe I'll accidentally swallow one, but you can't make me keep it down. That's up to me.

Working with Strong-Willed Kids
Parents and teachers who deal frequently with strong-willed kids might ask themselves, "What's the point?" when trying to win an argument.

Three Basic Questions:

• What needs to be accomplished?
• Is there another way to reach the goal?
• What's the bottom line?

The issue with strong-willed kids is not authority but how the authority is communicated. You can't point your finger in a strong-willed child's face and say, "You have to obey me," but you can persuade a strong-willed kid to do what you want. There is a magic word that will work about 80 percent of the time. The word is "OK?" For example: "Put your seat belt on, OK?" Strong-willed kids don't expect or want to get by with bad behavior. That would be weakness on your part. It's the respect that matters to them.

Teachers and parents of strong-willed children should not give up. They may be the only one left who still sees hope and promise in that child. Even if you've about had it and you're at the end of your rope, don't give up. There are no accidents. God paid you such a compliment if you have or teach a strong-willed child.

I believe strong-willed children are among the most capable at changing the world. They don't want to be like everybody else. They strive to find ways to be different. They want to shake up the status quo, even though the status quo wants to shake them up and hold them down.

Five Strategies for Success

• Choose your battles.
  Don't make everything non-negotiable. Is this a battle worth fighting? Choose the things you want to go to the wall for and leave the rest alone.
• Lighten up, but don't let up.
  Ask them, "Are you annoying me on purpose? If you are, you are so good at it." Smile more often. When you are a strong-willed child, nobody is all that happy to see you when you walk in the room.
• Ask more questions and issue fewer orders.
  "Are you about done with your homework? Are you going to mow the lawn before dinner? Are you about ready to go or do you want to be late?"
• Hand out more tickets and give fewer warnings.
  Take more action and show less anger.
• Make sure your strong-willed child always knows your love is unconditional.
  They have to know no matter how they act that you are still going to be there for them.