How to Counsel a Couple Getting Married
Sample Wedding Guidelines (52kb PDF) 
One aspect of our ministerial duty that can be a great joy but also cause headaches is the function of performing marriages and counseling couples. When you have a clear action plan and clearly communicate this to your congregation it will help you navigate these important areas of your ministerial performance.
Statistics reveal that up to 50% of couples that get married will divorce.1 The statistics reveal the same for Christian couples.2 This statistic alone should motivate us as ministers to do what we can when counseling couples. Let me suggest a few guidelines that might make counseling couples easier and more productive.
1. Set a clear and concise policy.
Many ministers get into trouble because they do not clearly communicate to their congregation who they will and who they won’t marry.
2. Set expectations for any couple you counsel.
Many ministers also get into trouble because they do not communicate to the couple that they are counseling what the expectations are for counseling and the consequences if those expectations are not met.
3. Set a course for completion.
I have a small study that I have developed that I call my “VOWSTM” course. I believe firmly that every couple needs “VOWSTM.” The letters that make up the word vows stand for each of the four sessions that I require every couple that I marry to attend. The modules are:
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V – Voice
This session discusses communication and the importance of listening to your spouse. -
O – Openness
This module is designed to looks at trust issues and help the couple really understand the concept of faithfulness. -
W – Wholeness
This module deals with brokenness and learning how to forgive. This session will also look at how to fall in love again and how to start over after a mistake. -
S – Spirituality
This session looks at God’s design for marriage and the importance of having God as the foundation for a marriage relationship.
Because I want marriages to succeed, I require every couple that I marry to go through this four-session course. I offer this at my church from time to time. Some couples choose to take the course together, while others choose to go through it individually. Either can be successful as long as both partners participate.
Additionally, I require two more sessions, one before the course and one after. The preliminary session is a “get to know” you session where I ask the simple questions: “why do you want to get married?” and “why now?” It is only after the preliminary session and the four session course, that I meet with the couple for our final session to discuss and plan the ceremony.
4. Set in place a procedure for follow up.
Ministers are not only there to marry a couple, but are also there to set couples up for success. Communicate to the couple while they are in counseling how you will follow up with them to ensure that they will maintain a successful and happy marriage.
This follow up could include things such as praying for the couple, calling the couple on their anniversary, and sending helpful marriage tools to the couple throughout the year. The key is to maintain contact the best you can so that when the marriage hits turbulent waters the couple has somewhere to turn and someone that has invested in them.
I am not so optimistic to think that pre-martial counseling will solve all of the issues that couples will face. However, I do believe that we as ministers need to do better at healing this plague called divorce.
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Sample Wedding Guidelines (52kb)
Ken Gosnell is the lead pastor for a new church work in the DC Metro area. You can contact Ken at Kenspeaks@gmail.com
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