Time Out

Written by Amy Hammond Hagberg

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

He’s breathing on me! That’s mine! She always gets to go first! Mom!! 

Ah, the sounds of sibling rivalry. Do they make you feel like you need a whistle and a referee’s striped shirt to make sure your kids play by the rules? If so, you’re in good company. From Cain and Abel on, sibling rivalry has been a source of personal fouls for generations of parental referees. Thankfully, such experience has produced volumes of useful advice to help parents make it through season after season. Improve your calls with the following tips from experienced moms and dads.

Your Special Team 

 Susan Yates, author of And Then I Had Kids, offers this perspective as a mother of five children born in just seven years: “Sibling rivalry is the first time we run up with really how selfish we are,” she says. “Anybody who has a 2-year-old has a very clear picture of original sin because it’s ‘me’ and it’s ‘mine.’ … We want what we want, when we want it.”

Families with children include a mix of different temperaments, personalities, and levels of maturity. Putting that mix of players in a close environment while they vie for parents’ attention is bound to cause scuffles. One solution, experts agree, is to go man-to-man. Often kids act out when they don’t feel they’re receiving enough attention. (Solution: Spend special one-on-one time with each child.)

Children also get into squabbles when they feel they’re being compared to one another. Phrases such as “Your brother always made good grades — why can’t you?” or “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” are damaging. (Solution: Address each child’s problems and successes on an individual basis, and resist comparisons.)

Rather than comparing your kids or trying to fit them into the same mold, appreciate their individuality. “As they grow up, ask God to give you clues as to how He has packaged your child,” Yates says. Those clues show you, as Proverbs 22:6 says, the way in which your child should go, which is not always the same way we would choose. But, Yates notes, our job as parents is to help our kids develop their unique lives to be a blessing to others.

Differences in siblings — even when they result in rivalry — do offer other benefits, such as survival training in a competitive world. “You learn early on how to share and that you are not the center of the universe,” Yates says. Those healthy insights serve our kids in all future relationships, instilling thoughtfulness and respect toward others.

Before Kickoff
In dealing with any rivalry currently in play, the best offense is a good defense. Rather than simply learning to referee sibling conflicts, try to prevent sibling sacks altogether by training them during the off-season, suggests Dr. Todd Cartmell (www.drtodd.net), author of Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry.

“If parents really want to make some changes,” he says, “what they’ve got to do is begin when there is no problem. Do some training sessions with kids and begin to teach them how to handle problem situations in a more respectful way.”

Examine the situations that tend to spark rivalry, Cartmell says, so you can “identify some of the skills that kids need, and then do some practicing with them ahead of time.” Then when situations occur, parents can help kids keep from fumbling by reminding them of their acceptable behavior in practice. After all, Cartmell notes, kids don’t come equipped with these skills; they have to learn them.

Making the Call
If a foul does occur, though, it’s time to blow the whistle. One of the most important aspects of refereeing sibling rivalry is recognizing when a conflict is coming and to head it off before it escalates into a brawl. Most parents know the warning signs when players are about to cross the line — the volume grows louder and the words become harsher. At that point, it’s time to stop the play.

Conflict among children usually occurs when they’re exhausted, overscheduled, or hungry. To encourage good performances, run your errands in the morning when the younger kids are perky and get home before nap time. And remember that kids need some alone time, so separate them during rest periods. Knowing what makes your players unique will also help you know specific solutions for heading off conflict.

Conflicts with older kids often spring from stress and hormones — both of which can be tricky, so offer other outlets for them to work off their energy or separate the offenders.

Stepping to the Sidelines
As the saying goes, give a kid a referee and he’ll behave for a day; train a kid to referee and he’ll behave for a lifetime (well, something like that). But knowing when to intervene during conflict and when to let the kids work it out for themselves can be a tough call.

Yates says it’s a progression: When they’re little, you have to intervene the most as a full-time referee; as they get older, you’re judging from the sidelines; and then at last you become the cheerleader, encouraging them as they grow and learn to resolve conflict themselves.

Be sure to emphasize the importance of ending well. Have the kids hug or shake hands afterwards whenever possible, reminding them that they play for the same team and need to get along for better performance — irritated or not. And remember to praise them when they handle the situation respectfully and responsibly. Positive encouragement goes a long way.

After all, parenting should be more than a series of breaking up squabbles and assessing penalties. The good news is that God definitely had a game plan in mind when He gave us each of our children, and the refereeing isn’t all up to us. He desires to be an active instructor and encourager in the parenting process. Keep that in mind as you suit up and hit the field.

Amy Hammond Hagberg is a freelance writer living in Buffalo, Minn.

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