For Love and Money

Written by Nancy Mann Jackson

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Most people view money through the intensely personal lenses of their values, emotions, and past experiences. So when a spouse challenges your monetary dealings, it can feel like he's challenging your very self. And as opposites do attract sometimes, many spouses face mates with differing, even conflicting ideas about money.

"Money is the number one cause of conflict in marriages and the number one cause of divorce," says Dave Ramsey, syndicated radio talk show host and author of Financial Peace. "That's often because when we fight about money, we're really fighting about priorities, dreams, goals, fears, and even the power flow in the relationship." 

Gaining financial peace and security isn't easy, so be on the watch for six common mistakes couples make in money matters, and learn from our tips on how to avoid them.

Mistake: Creating separate financial lives.
"When you got married, the preacher said, 'And now you are one'; he didn't say, 'Now you are a joint venture,'" Ramsey says. "Too many couples separate their bills and keep track of 'my money' and 'your money.' They run their household as two separate entities."

Instead of maintaining separate financial lives, healthy couples share financial knowledge and responsibilities, according to Ramsey. "Instead of living like two single people, sharing the checkbook forces couples to share priorities," he says. "It forces cooperation and forces you not to be so selfish. Each person has to share his or her priorities, and you have to decide together the order of importance. You have to work together on life's biggest issues. When people start sharing a checkbook, we find that even good marriages go to the 'fabulous' level."

Mistake: Refusing to talk about money.
While most people have strong opinions about money and deep-seated reasons for treating it the way they do, couples don't always discuss those ideas and feelings. Even though a discussion may not result in agreement, couples should learn to open up and share their feelings about finances to understand each other better.

According to Mary Hunt, author of Debt-Proof Your Marriage, many people expect that money will be handled in their own marriages the same way it was handled in their parents' home — an expectation that can cause problems if not discussed.

"If her father took care of the money, a wife may believe that her husband will always magically take care of it," Hunt says. "And if a husband's mother always kept the house clean, had a home-cooked meal ready at 6 o'clock, and also somehow paid the bills, he may expect all these things from his wife. People can make bad assumptions and put a lot of pressure on their spouse if they don't talk about these things."

Mistake: Keeping secrets.
Secrecy is the most damaging mistake couples make with money. "Thirty-eight percent of spouses keep secrets about debt from their partners, according to a recent poll in Redbook," Ramsey says. "You can't build a relationship on mistrust. There should be no financial secrets between you and your spouse except what you're buying them for Christmas."

Hunt agrees: "Secrecy can break a marriage in half … I went through all this. I was a closet spender with credit cards; I didn't think my husband understood the stuff I needed. The problem wasn't that he didn't make enough money, which is what I always thought. It wasn't a money issue, because there wasn't enough money for me anywhere. It was a heart issue."

Be honest with yourself and your spouse about what's going on financially. Set aside time each month to go over the current state of your finances together.

Mistake: Failing to plan.
The old adage that those who fail to plan, plan to fail rings true in finances, too. According to Ramsey, 90 percent of couples' financial problems are solved when they create a budget together and stick to it. Rather than spending money haphazardly, living by a written budget brings focus to a couple's financial life, creating trust in each other and confidence in their ability to succeed together.

"Spend your money together on paper, on purpose, every month before the month begins,” Ramsey says. "Doing a budget together forces you to deal with … priorities and goals and you achieve a level of oneness."

Mistake: Involving extended family in your financial life.
The Bible's instructions to "leave" your family of origin and "bond" to your spouse (Genesis 2:24) are as important in finances as in every other part of marriage. For many couples, making financial decisions without involving parents or in-laws can be difficult, but it's a decision they need to make.

"It's one thing to receive counsel and to honor your parents, but it's another to have them running your life," Ramsey says.

Achieving financial independence together also means refusing to borrow money or receive financial help from individuals, including family members. "A gift is one thing, and being able to receive a gift is a sign of a spiritually healthy person," Ramsey continues. "But Proverbs says that the borrower is a slave to the lender, and borrowing money changes a relationship between father and son or mother and daughter to that of slave and master."

Mistake: Not taking advantage of each other's strengths.
Opposites do attract, and financial experts say many marital unions are composed of a saver and a spender. But rather than converting your spouse to your way of thinking, attempt to understand your spouse's approach to money and use the strengths you both bring to benefit your family.

"My husband and I have completely different approaches to money; I'm a spender and he's a saver," Hunt says. "I see a sale as a great way to get more stuff, while he sees it as a way to save more money. But opposing natures can bring benefits and great rewards to a marriage if spouses understand and value each other's points of view."

Couples who avoid these money mistakes will strengthen their marriage and build prosperity, but most important, they'll honor God in the process. "Jesus said that our treaure is where our heart is," Ramsey says. "Good money management is a good indication that you and your spouse have lordship in order; it's part of your spiritual walk, part of what you're doing that glorifies Him."

Nancy Mann Jackson is a freelance writer living in Birmingham, Ala.

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