When the Holidays Hurt

Written by Lettie J. Kirkpatrick

Life changes forever when a loved one dies. But holidays continue to come. If you’re asking, “How can we celebrate in the midst of this pain?” know that it’s not only possible, it’s necessary.

 My teenage daughter died in 1993, and my husband lost his battle with cancer in November 2000. But I have four sons who still need to experience the joy celebration brings. Together we have learned to grieve, while at the same time grasping onto the hope God gives. The following can help if you’re experiencing hurt during the holidays:

1. Give yourself permission to grieve. The Christmas season, with its emphasis on celebration and family, intensifies emotions of every kind. A significant factor in moving on is allowing yourself freedom to express emotions. Children especially should be encouraged to acknowledge hurt.

Tammy Pitre’s preschool son and husband have both died within the past five years. She has found strength in, “giving myself permission to grieve [and] not trying to do what everyone expected me to — only what I felt I was capable of doing.” Meg Woodson understands. She lost two children to cystic fibrosis. In her book, Making It Through the Toughest Days of Grief (Zondervan), she writes, “You’ll begin to reconcile yourself to your loss … when you begin to feel your sadness.”

2. Embrace your memories. You can give voice to loss and pain in many ways. Stephanie Harris’ sister, Amber, died in her early 20s. Stephanie expressed her grief by journaling. “I have written in my journal a lot, not just general journaling, but letters to Amber. On her birthday and Christmas especially, I have written her letters telling what everyone is doing.”

Chip Bryant remembers his father by going to the grave site, looking at old photos, and speaking of him during holidays. “I don’t exclude his memory; I embrace it,” he explains.

3. Reach out. Grieving alone is not God’s plan for the body of Christ. We are to “weep with those who weep” and allow others to extend support to us (Romans 12:15). “Having people recognize my pain was a comfort. For someone to say to me ‘I know this is a difficult time for your family, and I am sorry’ meant so much,” Tammy says.

Amber’s mom, Brenda, agrees: “Cards and e-mails from friends are wonderful. Many folks are sensitive to the fact that holidays are hard. In turn, we try to be sensitive, especially to those spending their first Thanksgiving [or] Christmas … without their loved one.”

4. Continue established traditions. One of the greatest struggles of celebrating in the midst of grief is facing change. The empty chair and Christmas stocking or attending a party alone may bring reminders of loss. You can often find comfort in continuing family traditions.

My daughter, Shela, collected angel ornaments and displayed them on her own Christmas tree. After her death, our family has continued to light her tree. In memory of Shela, her friends have even added angels to the tree.

Teresa Johnston also found comfort in established traditions. Teresa’s husband died suddenly when her children were young. Then her daughter, Adrienne, was killed in a car accident when she was a teen. Teresa shares, “The first year after Adrienne’s death, [my son] Matthew and I just waded through. We have started doing things again. This year we decorated. It helps me to do some things we used to and remember [Adrienne] doing them, imagining that every day is Christmas for her now.”

5. Create new traditions. Many families find comfort and purpose in establishing new traditions in honor of their loved one. After my husband’s death, the boys and I began asking God to show us opportunities to extend secret kindnesses in memory of their dad. We share these at Christmas as our gift to him.

The Harris family contributes to international mission trips as their Christmas gift to Amber, and they travel to different places to celebrate. “That way,” Stephanie says, “we are making new memories.”

Serving can also be a way to move forward and find new joy. Reaching out to others who are in pain can help give worth to our pain.

6. Pray for yourself and others. Cry to God for strength, comfort, and direction during the holidays. And take time to worship and thank Him that His Son “became flesh and took up residence among us” (John 1:14). Then pray for others. From the perspective of our pain, we can identify with the pain of others. Intercessory prayer can be the catalyst for our own healing.

7. Hold onto God’s promises. Our Heavenly Father is the God of all comfort. His Word is our anchor in the darkness of loss, loneliness, and pain. As believers, we can model our hope even while acknowledging our grief (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Read Scripture and hold fast to God’s promises.
 
Harold Ivan Smith writes in his book Journaling Your Decembered Grief (Beacon Hill Press), “The God who gave The Gift on that first Christmas promises an incredible agenda: ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain’ (Revelation 21:4, NIV). And the celebration will never stop.”

That’s the promise to cling to when the holidays hurt.

Lettie J. Kirkpatrick is a freelance writer in Cleveland, Tenn. One of the favorite traditions Lettie and her sons share is laughing through the exchange of gag gifts (some of which have been passed around for more than a decade).

 

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