7 Secrets for Communication in Marriages

Written by Richard E. Dodge

Communication between couples sometimes generates a language of its own. Word inflection, a certain look, and other non-verbal cues help husbands and wives communicate. When communication breaks down in a relationship, the relationship falters. Communication breakdown is one of the quickest paths to marriage destruction.

Breakdowns in communication inevitably occur even in the best families. Because we are human, we will irritate or frustrate our spouses, and sometimes get mad at each other. But the real breakdown is not that two people disagree and may impose a period of involuntary silence. Real breakdown occurs when spouses behave in ways that prevent communication, and therefore resolution of the conflict.  

Here are some ways to avoid permanent damage to your relationship.

1. Avoid the command position. Adults don’t like to be ordered to behave in certain ways. Command position implies unwanted authority.

2. Face issues directly. Avoid trying to side-track the conversation when the time comes to deal with and put aside personal conflict.

3. Affirm and support one another. Remember that conflict centers on an issue, not the person. Focus on the problem; avoid criticizing or degrading the person.

4. Accept that the other person may have a valid perspective. Most of us resist accepting that the other person in a conflict has a valid point. We’re in conflict because we feel we have the correct opinion; affirming the other’s position feels like a sign of weakness.

5. Avoid false flattery. It’s easy to bring an end to the immediate conflict with flattery, praise, or agreement even when deep down you are hiding behind false feelings. The conflict is still smoldering.

6. Consider third parties. Sometimes resolution is difficult simply because we are dealing with intense emotions and issues that are very important. Ask a friend whom you both trust to intervene and help bring resolution. Both of you must be willing to make concessions if you go this route. Don’t ask a friend to help if you simply expect the friend to take your side.

7. Admit mistakes. God has placed men as the heads of households, but that does not mean we’re always right. Admitting to a mistake is a giant step toward resolution of conflict. However, the innocent party should not respond with “I told you so!”

Family life is not easy. Our 33 years of marriage have had countless highs and lows, and each of us has been guilty of being the problem as much as the solution. But communication has been an essential part of our marriage, and therefore something that we have to work on regularly. Even though we face times when we might not want to resolve a problem right now, we know that the problem has to be resolved so our relationship can continue to grow.

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