Parent Meeting: Coax Your Teen's Self-Esteem

Written by Don Otis

Introduction:
Implicit in Jesus' command to love your neighbor as you love yourself is that we already love ourselves. While self-esteem cannot be conferred on a teenager, there are eight core qualities that will foster your teen's sense of self.

Invitations:
Prepare a report card format for the invitation to the parent meeting. On the cover write Evaluating Self-Esteem. Provide information on the cover about the meeting time and place. At the bottom of the invitation, ask parents to complete the inside report card individually and then to ask their teens to give themselves a grade (without the parents sharing their answers). Use the following as a guide for your report card to help parents engage in conversation with their teens prior to the meeting:

Self-Esteem Report Card

Grade your teen in each of the categories prior to asking your teen for his or her answers. Prior to the parent meeting, think about the impact of your teen's responses.

Category                                                    Parent's Response           Teen's Response
Feels good about who he is
Has positive feelings about family
Doesn't let the success of others impact his worth
Doesn't let his clothing determine his worth
Feels good about his efforts
Accepts failures as part of life
Doesn't need peers to accept him to feel valued
Knows his unique giftedness
Has proven support networks

Prior to the Meeting:
Place several clean, small trashcans on several tables around the room. Beside the trashcans, place paper and markers or pens. Place the placards on the tables with the following instructions: Think about your teenager or your experience as a teenager. Write on individual pieces of paper the things that negatively impacted your sense of self esteem or negatively impact your teen's self esteem today. List each idea on a separate piece of paper and then place it in the trashcan.

Order copies of the August issue of Living with Teenagers and be ready to refer parents to "How to Develop Your Teen's Self-Esteem?" by Don Otis on pages 10-13 and "Resist the Urge to Turn Words Into Weapons" by Dr. Charles Stone, Jr. on pages 8-9.

As Parents Arrive:
Ask parents to gather around the trashcans and to follow the instructions on the placards.

Opening:
After parents have had a chance to complete the introductory activity, introduce the topic and review the responses placed in the trashcans. (Possible responses: teens see images of "picture perfect" teens in magazines and in the movies, teens hear negative comments from friends and family, there are many areas in which teens feel they must measure up against other teens, and so forth)

Discussion Ideas:

• Discuss how many influences bombard teens with negative messages about their worth.
• Discuss how parent also sometimes struggle with a positive self-image due to negative messages in our culture.
• Read and discuss the following statement from the article: "Teachers, parents, coaches, and bosses struggle to find the balance between encouraging teens to genuinely do their best and the temptation to reward sub-par effort with inauthentic praise."

Review the Eight Core Qualities to Foster a Sense of Self:
Lead parents to page 12 of the August 2004 issues of Living with Teenagers. Ask eight parents to each read one of the eight suggestions.

1. Encourage your teen to finish what she starts.
2. Encourage your teen to set reasonable short- and long-term goals.
3. Teach your teen that trying and failing is almost always better than not trying at all.
4. Teach your teenager that good things tend to happen when he prepares, plans, and pushes himself.
5. Encourage your teen to reach out and help others.
6. Encourage your teen to try new things.
7. Teach your teen the value and blessing of work.
8. Teach your teen to delay instant gratification.

Brainstorm Solutions:
Take some time at the end of the session to brainstorm ways to affirm and encourage teenagers with a positive sense of self:

• Put words of encouragement in writing
• Ban negative self-talk in the home
• Ban cut-downs from siblings

Suggest parents read "Resist the Urge to Turn Words Into Weapons" by Dr. Charles M. Stone, Jr. on pages 8-9 of the August issue of Living with Teenagers. The article offers suggestions for improving communication between parent and teen.

Affirm each parent for being their teen's primary model in living out their personal self-worth in Christ. Encourage parents to give their teens the support and confidence needed for the teen to first feel the value and worth he needs at home and then to be able to feel confidence in a negative world.

As always in addressing parents of teenagers, feel free to invite a Christian counselor or a high school counselor with a Christian worldview to assist in leading your meeting. Parents appreciate having access to professionals who can also provide additional support after the meeting.