Overcoming Negative Attitudes in Staff Relationships

Written by Brad Wesner

 This article explores the office phenomenon of whining. It begins by describing the negative effects of whining; it then explores the positive effects of whining and the options whiners have besides openly whining in the office; and then concludes with advice on what to do if you encounter a whiner.

Negative Effects of Whining
Negativity in the church is a real problem. When it is rooted in staff members, it is an even greater problem. A constant grouch can expect the following to happen:

1. Personal credibility will decrease. When a person grows too negative, he fails to see the positive side of things. This biased perspective will cost considerable credibility in the eyes of most other people. The only ones who likely will put credence in you are other naysayers, and this only reinforces a vicious cycle.
2. Productivity will decrease. The person who is busy complaining to coworkers usually spends nearly all of his time complaining and little of his time accomplishing any work.
3. Church programs are undermined. Instead of the staff supporting the programs of other staff members, the constant complainer finds fault with them on other programs. The congregation needs to know the positive things that the staff and its programs are doing, not just made aware of the problems of the programming.
4. The whiner’s status in the decision-making process is reduced. Few people want to listen to whining or constantly hearing about how bad things are. Therefore, if negative points are all that you have to tell them, you will soon find yourself out of the decision-making loop.
5. Too much complaining can result in termination. If you are supporting the pastor’s program in staff meetings and complaining about the program in private, your job could be in danger if the complaint works its way through the grapevine. Whiners rarely are team players, and the successful staff is a well-managed team.

Positive Effects of Whining
Most people think of grumbling, complaining, groaning, and whining as negative; however, they do have their place in the church. If done with maturity and within the parameters of acceptability, they can be used to (1) correct work-related problems and (2) relieve stress.

Sometimes complaints are warranted. In fact, if a person did not complain, she could be putting numerous lives in danger. For instance, if the building is being painted and the fumes are making you sick, you need to complain, to either get him to stop painting, to have him improve ventilation, or to excuse yourself so you can go home. Complaints about health hazards need to be voiced.

Complaints should also be voiced about serious conduct violations. For instance, if you think the volunteer youth director is doing more than “passing the peace” when he hugs females, you need to complain before somebody sues the church for sexual harassment. As in the above situation, the trick is to complain to the right people to change the situation; complaining to your coworkers will do little or no good.

Whining should also be recognized as a reliever of stress. If we are irritated, we need to share that irritation. Sometimes “getting it off of our chest” is excellent therapy. If we internalize too much, we are likely to experience upset stomachs, headaches, ulcers, and other health hazards. Again, the trick is to vent our frustration to the right people, otherwise numerous people will be mad at us.

Options for Whiners
Complain, complain, complain. Sometimes this is the only option whiners think they have. Therefore, they spend hours each day in the office complaining. This complaining, though, is a dead end. The whiner would be better off to contemplate one of the four following options:

1. Quit. Go find a different job that is free of the pettiness and problems experienced on your current church job. Although this is the most drastic action, it is often the most self-fulfilling.
2. Keep quiet. Keep on doing your job, even though you may have some complaints about it. Quite often, as you devote yourself and become engrossed in the tasks at hand, your mind forgets the problems.
3. Complain in secret. This approach allows you to release steam without jeopardizing your job. As noted earlier, complaining can cost you your job. However, as noted in the last section, complaining can be therapeutic. Therefore, one must realize that there is a time and place to complain. Consider letting off steam about work to friends outside the church and to your spouse.
4. Try to make changes. Express your dissatisfaction in appropriate ways and to appropriate people. Send a note to the personnel committee (not anonymously, of course),  or attend a deacons meeting where changes can be made. If you sincerely want to make changes, not just gripe, this is the route to take.

What to Do When You Encounter a Whiner
Whiners are prevalent on church staffs. At one time or another, we have all been guilty of whining. Regardless of our personality or temperament, things are not always going to go our way; and the response most people have to this unwelcome change is to grumble, whine, and complain.

When you encounter a whiner, you need to ask yourself a series of questions, and each question should lead you into a course of action:

1. Is this person’s complaint legitimate? If it is legitimate, you should work with the person to try to find a solution.
2. Is this person merely letting off steam? If so, let the person talk. You’ll be surprised at how many times people will later say, “Thank you for listening.”
3. Is this person a constant complainer, and is this just another complaint to add to an already ridiculously long list? If so, excuse yourself immediately. Those who stay to listen often find themselves exchanging horror stories of how bad things are. Before long, both you and your co-worker will be soured on the church beyond repair. When you realize the conversation is just a gripe session with no good to come from it, leave—you do not want to be dragged down by the negative attitudes of your coworker.

  Your course of action, then, depends on the motivation behind the complaint. If the complaint is to improve conditions, be a good listener. If the complainer is complaining just to complain and plans to take no action to correct the situation, excuse yourself immediately.

Summary
Complaining, griping, and whining do have a place in the church. When used appropriately, they can be stress relievers and agents of change. The tendency, though, is to complain merely for the sake of complaining, and this can be damaging to the individual and the congregation. Therefore, every church member should assess their behavior to see if they are getting the maximum benefit out of their complaining. Avoid any gripe session.

Bradley E. Wesner is Director of Christian Education, Simpsonville United Methodist Church, Simpsonville, South Carolina*.

Adapted from the January 1999 issue of Church Administration magazine, p. 15-16. Used by permission.

*Served in this position at the time of this writing.