24 Hour Counselor: Someone Close to Me Has Died

Hi, my name is JoAnn.

And I’m John.

JoAnn: We are here with Dr. Jerry Pounds, a professional counselor. Our topic is a tough one to talk about, but we need to address it. Dr. Pounds, let me start out by saying that I feel awkward even talking about the subject of death.

John: That's how I feel, too. I know we need to talk about this, but I would rather do it another time. I mean, I know that death is final, but I just can't imagine dying, at least not when I'm so young. I've got the rest of my life ahead of me.

Dr. Pounds: I know how you both feel. Death can be an awkward subject to talk about, especially for teenagers. Adolescence is seen as a time characterized by life. You may think you will live forever, that dying and death have no place in your life.

Most teenagers have this sort of “superman” mentality. It's the idea that death will affect someone else's life, but not mine. Not only do we feel uncomfortable talking about death, but we feel as if we'll live forever.

Here's the question: What happens when someone close to you has died?

John: The death of someone I knew was the toughest thing I'd ever dealt with. It's something I'm still dealing with.

Dr. Pounds: Throughout most of history, death, like birth, was accepted as another part of the life process. Long ago, everybody in the family was involved. They made the coffin, dug the grave, and even buried the body themselves. However, in the 20th century, especially in Western Europe and North America, people withdrew more from the dying process.

John: I wasn't aware of that. But knowing that death is a part of life doesn't make it any easier to accept.

JoAnn: What are some of the normal reactions people experience when a friend has died?

John: Sometimes I'm not sure what's normal and what's not.

Dr. Pounds: A lot has been written about how we react to the death of someone we're close to. There are several factors which can affect how a person may react.

One factor is the quality of the relationship. In other words, the closer you are to the person who has died, the stronger the anxiety or grief you may experience.

John: That makes sense. Surely I would hurt more if I'm close to the person.

Dr. Pounds: That's right. Also, the manner of death plays a part. A sudden death such as an accident or a violent death like a suicide or murder will catch us unprepared to accept the loss. But a mother who has been suffering from cancer a few years—for her, death may be seen as a welcome visitor. That doesn't mean you’re not sad, but you know she will no longer feel any pain. So the length of the illness could also affect the grieving process.

There is what's called “anticipatory grief.” This can occur when both the dying person and the mourner know that death is soon to come. They cry together and they have opportunity to share their affection with one another. Grieving can take place before the actual loss. This does not necessarily ease the pain, but there is opportunity to express affection and appreciation. In a sudden death where a person is not supposed to die, it becomes most difficult to accept and bear the pain.

JoAnn: A person's emotional state and the help received from others such as parents or friends affects the process, too, right?

Dr. Pounds: Definitely.

JoAnn: Are there certain feelings to expect when a close friend or a parent has died? I mean, I know I would cry and really hurt inside, but could you explain some of these feelings?

Dr. Pounds: First of all, there are certain stages or periods of grief that people go through. These stages of grief do not follow a schedule, but for the most part they can be somewhat predicted. The stages are not clear-cut or well-defined. The length one person is in a certain stage can be different from another person's time in that same stage.

John: Normally, what is the first reaction to the loss?

Dr. Pounds: For most people, the feeling of shock or numbness is felt first. I believe God gives us the feeling of shock initially to protect us. Shock helps buffer the reality of the loss. In a few hours or days the shock goes away and the fact of the loss hits home.

For some, there is a denial or disbelief. I remember when I was a senior in high school--late one night a classmate of mine accidentally shot himself. The next morning I saw my English teacher before school. She had the newspaper with the story of his death. I had not heard anything until then. My first words were, "I can't believe it. He was at school yesterday. He can't be dead."

JoAnn: Most teenagers don't really think death can happen around us. But it does.

Dr. Pounds: And this denial sometimes takes us back and forth from fantasy to reality. We're hoping it's only a bad dream, but it's true. And there's a sudden wave of sadness when the reality hits again. This particularly occurs on birthdays, holidays, or the anniversary of the death. These feelings should be accepted and expected. You may even experience dreams about the person.

John: You never really forget about him, do you?

Dr. Pounds: No. You never do. Death cannot erase the memory of someone you love.

After the shock and denial, then there's a flood of grief. Depression and despair may be felt, confused thinking may occur. There may also be irrational anger.

John: Anger?

Dr. Pounds: Yes, anger at the doctor, hospital, parents, self, even the deceased person or God. You may question deep down inside--"Why did God allow this to happen? Why me?" There may be a very real feeling of resentment or rage.

Along with this anger may be feelings of regret or guilt. You might ask--"Why didn't I do something to stop this from happening?" or other questions of blame. I once counseled a teenager who was involved in a car accident where some family members were suddenly killed. These were not only family, but his best friends, too. His anger was directed toward the driver of the other car. He wanted revenge. He wanted somebody to pay for his hurt, his loss. In fact, it took him some time even to get in a car. He felt that God was unfair and that our society was a frightening place in which to live.

JoAnn: It seems like a person might also want to escape by getting away from everyone and not talking about it.

Dr. Pounds: Yes. The guilt could cause an incredible emptiness, and the feeling of not being willing to risk or trust anyone any more.

JoAnn: This can be depressing.

Dr. Pounds: The sad fact is that some people never really work through the grief process. In fact, there are three things that can happen in any of these stages. First, the person can become fixated--that is, they get stuck in one stage of the grief process. Second, they can regress or move back to an earlier stage. And third, they can progress and move on to the next stage.

John: Is there another stage after the depression?

Dr. Pounds: There is, and here is the hope. For most people, the final stage is one of recovery or acceptance. This does not necessarily mean that they become happy, but that they will begin to deal with the loss.

JoAnn: Does the acceptance stage mean that the person gets over the loss?

Dr. Pounds: No, it really doesn't. Reality is, you never completely get over the loss of a loved one. But you learn to live with it. Over time, the flood of grief begins to subside and the pain eases. However, you may hear a favorite song or experience something you did with the person who has died, and this may cause an intense grief response.

John: After the loss of a friend or a parent, things won't be the same any more, will they?

Dr. Pounds: That's true, but you have to adjust to this loss. Your faith may be shaken; you may become bitter or disillusioned; or hopefully you may turn closer to God.

JoAnn: This grief process that you're talking about can be frightening.

Dr. Pounds: It is a terrible experience, but a temporary one. What's confusing about it all is the vast amount of feelings or reactions a person can experience.

John: And the way I react to a loss may not be the way you react.

Dr. Pounds: Sure. You may sense that no one understands you, and I may feel a wave of guilt or anger. Others may feel helplessness and despair, or even feel like they're going crazy. We all may have moments of uncontrollable crying, which may lead to some physical reaction.

John: Such as what?

Dr. Pounds: Well, possibly chest pain, sweating, or nausea. These would be reactions to our feelings. Grief does not necessarily need to be a frightening experience. However, not knowing about or not expecting these feelings may be frightening to you when they do occur.

JoAnn: What are some suggestions you could offer to someone who has lost someone close?

Dr. Pounds: First of all, remember that there are complicated and powerful emotions following a loss. Expect them to take place, not necessarily in the order I described. Be careful not to compare your grief process with someone else's.

John: And the rest of us need to sympathize and really listen to the person.

JoAnn: And not ignore the pain they are experiencing.

Dr. Pounds: You're both right. Be patient with the person, and realize that you may feel uncomfortable when they talk about the deceased person. Take time to listen. The grief process is often lengthy, and they may need your support for months and perhaps years.

JoAnn: It seems to me that one of the most important things for the person to do is talk about it, and express his feelings about the death and the person.

Dr. Pounds: That's the key. In lots of ways our society does not really encourage sharing feelings with others. Because death is an awkward topic, we want to avoid talking about it. This might leave us unprepared for a friend to talk honestly about his or her feelings.

If you are a teenager experiencing the death of someone you love, be open with yourself and cry aloud if you need to. Crying releases built-up tension. Remember that your friends may not know what you need. They may not know how to help you. If you can, let them know. Anger, guilt, hurt, pain and any other feeling is best dealt with when you talk about it. This may be difficult to do, but must be done in order to avoid serious depression. If grief cannot be expressed, then other indirect results may cripple your life.

JoAnn: Can you give me an example?

Dr. Pounds: Well, bereaved teenagers are more susceptible to alcohol and other drug abuse when they try to cover over their anger, guilt, or sadness. Also, a failure to talk about the hurt will begin to develop a pattern of being emotionally closed to others. Unhealthy communication skills may be developed. This not only may affect relationships with their parents and friends, but also their future relationships with others.

Who are the kinds of people a grieving teenager could talk to?

John: Well, parents and friends.

JoAnn: Also, a teacher, youth minister, or pastor, or a coach even.

John: A guidance counselor or other professional people in the community.

Dr. Pounds: These are all good responses. This list could be even longer. Encourage your friends to talk to someone they trust.

Dr. Pounds: I would also say, don't rush yourself through the grief process. It takes time. Sometimes one to two years. And try not to push yourself back to a normal life immediately.

JoAnn: Earlier you mentioned some physical reactions to grief such as chest pain, sweating, and nausea. Could a person also lose his appetite and not even want to sleep or eat?

Dr. Pounds: Both of these are common. There also may be overeating, loss of energy, tiredness, and difficulty concentrating. It's important for the person to get plenty of rest and to eat properly and exercise. Our emotions do affect our health.

John: Can medicine from a doctor help a person?

Dr. Pounds: In some cases it could, but it should only be used temporarily and cautiously. Medication could just delay the grieving process.

JoAnn: And it seems to me that a person who is experiencing loss is really not in a position to make any major decisions.

Dr. Pounds: That's right. They should avoid making any immediate major decisions since their emotions are so intense and confused. That's another good suggestion.

John: Any others?

Dr. Pounds: Well, as time passes you need to become involved in other activities. Don't keep yourself locked up in your room. Grieving is important, but always dwelling on the death is not. You're not expected to forget the person. In fact, you should take steps to remember. Look at photographs, and talk about experiences you shared. You may also find it helpful to visit the grave site occasionally.

JoAnn: You know, I can't imagine not being a Christian and trying to deal with all of these emotions.

Dr. Pounds: You're right. Being a Christian does not make the pain go away, but we do have the assurance that God does care and He understands. Psalm 18:6 says, "I called to the Lord in my distress, and I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears" (HCSB).¹

And Psalm 46:1 says, "God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble" (HCSB).

John 11:35 simply says, "Jesus wept." Jesus understands grief. He understands our hurt because He has experienced the loss of a friend. Read about this in John chapter 11. Notice how Jesus responded to the loss of His friend Lazarus.

John: Dr. Pounds, thank you for sharing with us.

JoAnn: Yes, thanks. I know this has been helpful for anyone who may have experienced the death of a close friend.

Dr. Pounds: Well, John, it was good talking with you and JoAnn. And to anyone reading this, I pray that this information will encourage you to be open with your feelings and to talk with a trusted friend.

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¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.