How to Deal with Difficult People

Written by Dr. Tan Flippin

Do you know difficult people in your church? Chances are, you've met your share of members who are hard to get along with and appear to be intent on being unhappy. So how can you deal with difficult people in a Christ-like way?

First, be aware that some people are neither committed to proper people skills nor share the same relationship ideals that normal people do. You will have to deal with these people, and you probably won't be able to "change" them. So don't be shocked when you meet a difficult person, and don't fall victim to their negativism.

Second, realize all behavior is ultimately the result of choices. While difficult people choose to live with unhealthy behavior, you can choose to live in a way that transcends the poor choices they make. Make a choice to stand strong, with God's help, against the cyclical, nonproductive patterns of living to which difficult people are bound.

Characteristics of Difficult People
Difficult people may manifest themselves in a number of ways, as you've probably experienced. You may find that these people:

• Operate with a double agenda
• Struggle with anger
• Have low self-esteem
• Try to manipulate
• Appear arrogant
• Can't tell the truth
• Need to control everything
• Focus solely on themselves

Regardless of what characteristics "your" difficult people exhibit, there are some universal ways to deal with them in a godly manner.

Techniques for Disconnecting from Difficult People
If you have ever felt unable to escape the clutches of a difficult person or felt overwhelmed by her energy-sapping demands, Les Carter and Jim Underwood's book "The Significance Principle" offers "disconnection tools" to keep you from becoming too deeply involved with such a person. Disconnecting is a way of allowing you to keep necessary boundaries and avoid a codependent relationship with an individual who has a chronic relationship problem.

1. Recognizing. Simply recognize there is a problem. This can keep the confrontation from becoming larger than it has to be. It also sometimes stops a difficult person in his tracks. By showing the other person that you recognize he is upset (even if his anger is illogical from your perspective), you are demonstrating that he is a person of value to you.
   
2. Restating. Repeat back to the difficult person something he has said. When people hear their own words repeated back to them -- especially irrational or irresponsible words -- they may be caught off guard by the reality of what they have said and may have to rethink it. When you restate, you buy time to think about what you want to say next, allow yourself the opportunity to move the conversation to a more logical and objective discussion, and put the burden back on the difficult person who has made a critical or irrational statement.
   
3. Reflecting. Reword what the person has said. This causes him to reflect on the deeper meaning of it. A reflecting statement might begin: "So, what you're really saying is ..." Sometimes a reflecting statement can be so clear that its original sender must reconsider the words and be faced with the reality of what he has said or how he has said it.
   
4. Crystallizing. Offer a summary of the communication. While a difficult person may use many words in an attempt to disguise what he really means, crystallizing boils all the verbiage down into one simple idea. Once the one idea is "crystallized," you can then disconnect the irrational aspects of the communication and focus on the real issue at hand (assuming there is one).
   
5. Interrogating. Ask questions to deal with the insecurities or anger of difficult people. To keep from being pulled into an emotionally-charged exchange, ask the difficult person a question about what he said to try to get the conversation pointed back into productive dialogue. For example, if a difficult person accuses you of something ludicrous, respond by asking, in a nonthreatening way, "What are you trying to tell me?"

When dealing with difficult people, don't get caught up in the trap of playing the games they do. Keep your emotions under control, recognize difficult people and their words and actions for what they are, work at disconnecting yourself emotionally from the irrational behavior of others, and pray. Be faithful to do what you have been called to do, and resist the temptation of allowing difficult people to derail your faithful efforts in ministering to youth and their families.

Dr. Tan Flippin is an Associate Professor of Christian Education and Director of Student Services at Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary in Germantown, TN.

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