The Dating Speedway

Written by Ramon Presson

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Mike surprised Allison with an engagement ring on Valentine's Day. Since then, she's been doing her daily devotions in bridal magazines. The church is reserved, and the wedding director is on speed dial. Mike has rallied a platoon of groomsmen and put a deposit down on a banquet room for the rehearsal dinner. Allison is contemplating china patterns and stressing over bridesmaids' dresses, while Mike is plotting the perfect honeymoon. The wedding train has left the station and is picking up speed.

Even though they'll attend every session of their pre-marital counseling, this couple's philosophy, like that of many others, is, "We are done evaluating our relationship, and we're now planning a wedding." This couple will tread water through their obligatory sessions and eventually proceed to discussions with their pastor about personalized vows, song selections, and the minimal age for flower girls.

Pre-engagement Counseling
Counselor Randy recently enjoyed a refreshing exception to this common episode. Dave and Carolyn stopped by his office to make an appointment for pre-engagement counseling.

"We've been dating for a while, and it's getting a little serious," says Dave. "We think it's a good idea to make sure we're asking the right questions and get objective feedback from someone before we get engaged."

Randy wanted to hug them. It's staggering that so many singles make the life-altering decision to marry based primarily on their feelings. These couples avoid critically evaluating their relationship prior to the engagement period.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, author of Finding the Love of Your Life, writes, "If there's anything that catches my attention, it's two people telling me they have seen each other for a couple of months, and now they're ready to pledge themselves to each other for the rest of their lives."

Rob Eager, author of The Power of Passion, is a vocal advocate of pre-engagement counseling. "Once the engagement ring goes on a woman's finger, you can lose much of your objectivity about the relationship." He notes that couples will seldom stop and deal with serious issues and flaws in the relationship once wedding planning gets underway. Furthermore, the embarrassment of calling off a wedding can deter couples from being honest about issues they've either ignored along the way or ones recently discovered. 

Justin and Wendi Zebell are part of a new trend of couples who are seeking pre-engagement counseling. "It didn't make much sense to us to choose to get married and then seek counsel about what marriage means and requires and how suitably matched we are," Wendi said. "After dating for seven months, we got to a certain level of seriousness and knew it could be heading toward marriage. We wanted to be smart about such a big decision."

Wise Dating
Couples who are wise about the decision to marry are those who are wise in how they date. These couples pace the relationship — thinking and praying their way through the relationship rather than just feeling their way through it.

However, many couples submit to and follow their feelings as though emotion is a trustworthy tour guide. In 1982, my feelings escorted me through two years of an unhealthy relationship, which ended in a broken engagement, followed by a period of recovery. After floundering in a two-year relationship, no one could accuse us of rushing toward the altar, but we, nevertheless, replicated a common misstep in dating relationships — acceleration.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of Boundaries in Dating, diagnosed us perfectly. "Two people find that they have strong feelings for each other. In a short period of time, they begin investing enormous amounts of time in the relationship. They suspend or neglect other people, interests, and activities. They quickly start dating exclusively. They feel intense passion for each other and miss each other deeply when they are apart."

So what's the problem with two people falling in love so quickly? Cloud and Townsend have observed that such couples often marry prematurely, or they break up, only to repeat the fast pace with another partner.

Romance Without Research
In flooring the accelerator on a promising relationship, couples mistakenly think that the get-to-know-you stage can be compacted into a brief but concentrated period of time. In explaining his quick engagement, one man reasoned, "We chose quality of time over quantity. Our relationship time is sort of like syrup," he went on. "We don't have a lot, but what we have is thick!" I failed to suppress my laughter.

Disclosure moves to a deep level too quickly in an accelerated relationship. I've had singles say things to me like, "On the first date, we just really opened up; we could talk about anything. I mean anything!" At the same time, I'm thinking, You both spilled your guts the first week, and you think that's a positive?

Vulnerable sharing heightens sensations of intimacy, and rapid intimacy usually seeks physical expression. The sexual couple feels "in love" and becomes increasingly near-sighted and cannot see relationship issues and problems. Herein we see God's wisdom in setting sexual boundaries prior to marriage.

Whether sexually active or not, a speeding couple by-passes a full knowledge of each other. Romantic interviewing has limits because we are naturally selective in what we disclose, and our blind spots make disclosure an incomplete informant. To fully obtain vital relational information, you need the experience and observation only time can give. Cloud and Townsend recommend dating at least 12 months to observe and experience the full seasons and challenges of life that a person goes through in a typical year.

Ask Questions Before You Pop The Question
Finding a qualified pastor or counselor to administer the Prepare Inventory is the next step when a couple feels the relationship has entered a more serious stage and may be moving toward engagement. The Prepare Inventory is currently the most widely used and respected premarital assessment tool in U.S. churches and counseling centers. A multiple choice questionnaire, it explores 11 key areas of your relationship: Marriage Expectations, Spiritual Beliefs, Personality Issues, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Financial Management, Leisure Activities, Sexual Expectations, Children and Parenting, Family and Friends, and Role Relationship. The profile surveys these areas for relationship strength and compatibility as well as highlighting the areas which need more attention.

Seeking pre-engagement counseling should neither imply that there's something wrong with the relationship, nor that an engagement is imminent. But when approached with open minds and teachable hearts, it can confirm a healthy relationship. It could also help prevent the heartache of a broken engagement — and there are lots of them. Approximately five hundred thousand engagements and weddings  (15 to 20 percent) are called off every year in the U.S., says Rachel Saifer, author of There Goes the Bride.

Couples like Justin and Wendi are discovering that pre-engagement counseling raises the questions to be asked and issues to be discussed before a commitment is made and an engagement is announced. "I think the greatest benefit of counseling was we felt equipped to make an educated decision," Justin said. "So when the day came, neither of us had any anxiety. We could just enjoy the excitement of the moment, knowing God had brought us together to serve Him as a team."

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