Make a Break For It

Written by C. C. Stone

This article is courtesy HomeLife Magazine.

Suzanne plopped down beside me. She was wearing that beleaguered look I often see on Sunday mornings. She was also wearing two different shoes — one black, one dark blue. The heel on her left shoe was even a bit higher than the one on her right.   

 I put my arm around Suzanne, an artistic soul who used to dabble in watercolors before becoming wife of Brent, mom of Katie and Luke, employee of a medical company, PTA advisor, drill team sponsor, church finance committee member, and preschool helper. I asked if the shoe thing was her artistic soul trying to wiggle its toes.   

She replied no with a slump of her shoulders. She was just trying to get everyone else ready, and she came last — as usual. After the service, as I watched my friend’s off-kilter exit, I realized she had lost touch with the woman God created her to be.   

Suzanne has lots of company. Are you exhausted at the end of the day? Exasperated with your kids? Resentful of your husband? Overwhelmed by calls for help from your church or community? Have you forgotten how to say no to everyone but yourself?   

Take heart. There’s hope! You can feel joyful again. You can take time for yourself without deserting your family. You can rediscover (or perhaps discover for the first time) your God-given passion — and you can live it today, not some day in the distant future.

Step 1: Can the Guilt

Does even the thought of taking time for yourself catapult you into guilt mode? Then know this: If you continue to put yourself last, you may soon have nothing left to give others.   

Even popular TV personality Dr. Phil McGraw realizes, “[You’re] the only wife and mother that your husband and children have. If you take care of yourself, then you have something to give in those two important roles. If [you] choose, instead, to be a martyr — if [you] constantly self-sacrifice and do not take care of [yourself ], then [you] may not be there, physically or emotionally, when they need [you]. To keep from cheating them, [you] must take care of yourself” (Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters, Hyperion).   

Still thinking, There’s no way I can put myself ahead of others? If you feel racked by guilt whenever you even think about taking time for yourself, then you’re using it as an excuse to keep from becoming the woman God created you to be.

Step 2: Junk the Myth

In The Sixty-Minute Mother (Broadman & Holman), Rob and Dianne Parsons dispel one of the most crippling beliefs of our culture: Balancing home and work is just a matter of organization.   

The Parsons say the heart of this delusion is that any mother worth her salt should be able to cope with raising children, working a full-time job, cooking meals, washing everyone’s clothes, helping with homework, and still have energy left.   

A woman caught in the crosshairs of this delusion asked the Parsons, “If all this is so easy, why aren’t men doing it?”   

Point taken. But such frustration spotlights a deeper issue: When a woman feels overwhelmed by responsibilities and longs for more support from her husband, intimacy is bound to suffer. Translation for husbands? Help your wife rediscover her unique identity and passion, and you’ll be the beneficiary of her renewed spirit in more ways than one!   

Rodney Wilson, marriage and family enrichment minister at First Baptist Church, Smyrna, Tennessee, says, “When your wife senses you truly believe in her, support her, and want her to be all that God wants her to be, her self-esteem grows. With healthy self-esteem comes the confidence a wife needs to fully give herself to her husband.”   

And that’s definitely a win-win proposition.   

“But all too often, it’s a woman’s personal uniqueness that gets lost in the mad dash of married life, especially if a husband doesn’t proactively champion his wife to pursue her passion,” says Becky Washington of Plano, Texas.   

“Most often it’s the spark of a woman’s passion in some area of life that initially attracts a man,” says Randall Washington. “It’s vital that a husband nurture that passion, not stifle it. As husbands we don’t have any authority that we don’t earn by following Christ’s example as the head of the church. When we earn that right to lead, then things like wanting our wives to be the best they can be don’t threaten us.”

Step 3: Make Room

Once you’re guiltless and mythless, it’s time to restructure. Two simple exercises can help:   

Keep a log for a couple of weeks of what you spend your time doing. Or just look at what’s written on your calendar for the past month. Where is your focus? Is there too much kid stuff, work stuff, or PTA stuff? Note the parts of you that you’ve been neglecting (knitting? reading? water skiing? writing? exercising?) Ask yourself, Where’s my focus? Is this really the big picture of who I am?   

Then make a list of 10 things that bog you down, advises Kristin Taliaferro, a Dallas-based life coach who specializes in helping people find their passions. What bogs you down may be as simple as a pile of papers on the kitchen desk or something you dislike doing (emptying the dishwasher). Make a commitment to get three of these things off your plate each week for a month.   

“Taking those small steps helps you focus on what you want. Getting things in order makes more room in your life for better things,” says Taliaferro.

Step 4: Connect With Your Passion

What would you do with your life if you could do anything you wanted? Travel? Write? Paint? Open a restaurant? Teach?   

If a fun idea comes to mind, don’t squelch it. Taliaferro laments, “Many women have trouble with doing things that are fun. But your passion may be painting or crafts; it may not be linked to a career. It might just be a lifestyle.”   

When you’re listing ideas, you may also be tempted to axe the ones not linked to ministry: How can I paint when there are so many who need me?   

Taliaferro responds, “How do you feel when you do something you really love?” I feel great, alive, energized!   

“How do you feel when you’ve gone through an entire week without pursuing something you really love?” Well, I feel exhausted, a little dead inside.   

“Your passion will energize you,” explains Taliaferro. “Ask yourself, How can I help others with that energy? When you’re filled with energy, you have more to give to others.”   

Personal passion emerges when you discern how you can uniquely help other people. Look at your gifts, the things you love to do that give you joy. Then, using those joy makers, ask God to help you see what you have to offer the world, your church, and your community. It’s there you’ll find the freedom to become the woman God created you to be.

Today, while her kids are in a mothers-day-out program, my friend Suzanne wears no shoes at all as she cheerfully touches watercolors to greeting cards she will send to friends and family. Perhaps her creative soul was wiggling its toes after all on that Sunday morning not so long ago. 

C. C. Stone is a freelance writer in Nashville, Tennessee.

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