Q & A: How Do I Discuss Money Issues with the Person I Am Dating?

Written by Dr. Henry Cloud

This article is courtesy of Christian Single magazine.

Question: My boyfriend spends a lot of money on computer and electronic gadgets, and also on dining out (which I do get the benefit of, but also worry about). I’m concerned that if we move toward marriage, I’ll have a mate who can’t stay on a budget and who will drown us in debt. How do I bring up this issue? What are some solutions?

Answer: This is one of the most important questions you should ask before you decide to move toward marriage. It’s much easier to fall in love with someone than it is to work out a “one flesh” relationship that ends up in a healthy “one wallet” relationship.

To have a successful marriage, a couple must come together in the big picture first; the details then tend to take care of themselves. One of the main places where this happens is in the arena of values. For instance, if a couple values spiritual growth, they put time, energy and resources into the pursuit of God, and are headed in the same direction. They then are more unified on the details because values have been worked out beforehand. The details of how to spend Sundays, how to spend money and how to spend time with others are linked to seeking the will of God.

On the other hand, if a couple doesn’t share the same values, they will continuously head in different directions because values are direction setters. If only one person values spiritual growth, for example, then that spouse would want to be involved in spiritual things, while the other spouse might want to spend more time fishing. Or the other might want to spend money on a bigger house or raise the children differently.

Values

You truly value what you pursue. So, if you truly value your mate, then you’ll pursue a oneness with him or her. And if you don’t share the same values, you’ll either pursue those values in a different direction, and thus sacrifice your oneness, or you’ll pursue the oneness and have to sacrifice some things you value.

It’s easy to see why getting on the same “big picture” values with regard to money is extremely important. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself arguing and in conflict over your differing values regarding money. You might want to save, but he wants to spend. You might want to give, but he wants a new computer. You hate debt, but he thrives on it. These all point to going different directions in the day-to-day decisions that make up the family budget.

Your concern is more than valid; it’s essential. As Jesus said, before a man builds a tower, he must first figure out if he has the resources to finish it (Luke 14:28-30). If he doesn’t, he’ll fail. As you look toward marriage, you have to see if the two of you are willing to go in the same direction in using your resources to build your marriage, family and relationship.

Character

Another reason your question is so important is that it’s a major indicator of other character issues. The inability to stay within a budget indicates things like impulse control problems, difficulties in delaying gratification, inability to sacrifice for one’s values, the lack of values themselves, materialism, or lust of the eyes. This doesn’t mean your boyfriend has any or all of those issues, just as having a fever doesn’t mean you have any particular illness. But it may, and so you have to find out what it does mean.

Also consider that your boyfriend may have never been taught about money, finances, and budgets. Or he may have been poor for many years, but now has money for the first time and is on a little binge after years of deprivation. It’s also possible that your boyfriend truly can afford to do the things he’s doing, as they do not represent a significant expenditure for him, although they might to you. He may have more resources than you think he does. You might be judging him inaccurately.

Airing it Out

If the two of you begin to get serious, you must bring this up – directly. Don’t be bashful at all, and if he has a problem with it, then you have a more serious issue. Tell him you want to talk about your values and how close the two of you are. Don’t be afraid to ask him about his budget.

Another idea is to go to a financial seminar together at a church or to a financial counselor. You could also read a good book on family finances together. These are great ways to address the concepts and see where you agree and where you don’t.

In addition, talk with a pastor who can provide counsel on the spiritual implications mentioned previously, both about your boyfriend as a person and about marriage.

Finally, make sure that if you do go forward, you get some good premarital or pre-engagement counseling. Remember: In the end, if you discover the two of you are incompatible, it’s better to find that out now than later.

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California. 

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