Surviving the Five Toughest Relationship Situations

Written by Christin Ditchfield

Recently a group of researchers conducted a study to determine the answer to an age-old question: What makes people happy? They found the answer was not success and achievement, wealth, or beauty. It was relationships. Humans long for connection – a sense of belonging, acceptance, closeness, and commitment. But relationships are often complicated, if not downright painful. And establishing rewarding relationships with the opposite sex can be the source of numerous headaches and heartaches.

Dr. Leslie Parrott, a marriage and family therapist, knows all about these relational aches. She and her husband Les, a psychologist, are the co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. The Parrotts have written a number of best-selling books on the subject of relationships, including Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, and Mentoring Engaged and Newlywed Couples.

Here, Parrott takes a look at the five toughest relationship situations and how you can get through them.

Compulsion for Completion

Rather than a healthy drive for relationships, sometimes we get caught up in the "compulsion for completion" – wanting another person to make us whole and complete, rather than finding our wholeness in Christ. If we try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on our own, all of our relationships become an attempt to complete ourselves. We’re drawn to people who have the strengths, abilities and skills we lack.

Rather than working on our own wholeness, we enter into a dating relationship looking for a shortcut to personal growth and maturity. We demand things from the relationship that it can’t give. And we end up believing one of two lies guaranteed to sabotage any relationship: 1) I need this person to be complete or 2) If this person needs me, I’ll be complete.

The truth is, there are no shortcuts to personal growth and wholeness. But, there are some things you can do to find your completeness in Christ.

First, you’ve got to heal your hurts from the past. You have to get in touch with your pain to really understand and own your past, realizing that unfinished business from previous relationships will influence and shape your current relationships. Understanding the past can protect you from repeating the pain in the future.

Another step is to discard your masks and become more authentic and genuine in your relationships. Masks play a huge role in dating relationships. We wear them to guard against rejection. We want to be loved, so we try to be the ideal person. But once the other person loves the ideal, we doubt that he or she loves the real us – and we’re usually right! It’s a game that has to end.

The third step is to sit in the driver’s seat and take ownership for your own destiny. You need to be asking: What is God’s call on my life? What gifts have I been given? Am I really developing those things to the fullest, or am I sitting around waiting for someone else to shape the story of my life?

Of course, the most important step is to rely on God – and not another person – to meet your ultimate needs. Earthly relationships will let you down, time and time again. But a relationship with God can be counted on to genuinely and fully meet your deepest need for significance. It’s the ultimate cure for the compulsion for completion. You may heal your hurts, discard your masks, and even take ownership of your destiny, but only God can make you whole.

Relationship Regrets

One of the toughest situations dating couples face is recovering from unwise choices they’ve made – things they’ve done that have damaged each other or the relationship. In our counseling, my husband and I have found that for many couples this includes sexual regrets – when they’ve gone too far and fallen into sin. How do you find grace to help you in your time of need? How do you seek forgiveness, restoration, and renewal? Is it possible to be restored to right living without ending the relationship?

The answer is yes – it’s possible to overcome unwise choices. But it takes a lot of self-control, and you can’t do it on your own. Often, people fall into the trap of thinking, "Well, I fell short. Now I’ll prove to God and to this person I’m dating that I can do it on my own."

The truth is, you can’t! You have to recognize this is an area where you didn’t have self-control, so you need to gather control from other people around you. That means having accountability and seeking out a trusted friend or counselor who can equip you to develop self-control in that problem area, someone who can help you look at what motivated you to make the bad choice in the first place.

You’ve got to set new limits and boundaries. But the biggest step in the recovery process is recognizing that you can’t handle this on your own – as a person or as a couple. You need prayer support and you need help from the body of Christ.

Coping With Conflict

Conflict is inevitable for every couple. It’s the price you pay for a deeper level of intimacy. As you get to know each other – as the relationship matures and you become more real – you have more differences. No two people are going to be similar on every value, every feeling, every thought, or every perspective. Every couple has their own personality, however. Some are loud, boisterous, and confrontational; others can give each other a look that speaks volumes more than all the loud words of the boisterous couple. They may not be as demonstrative, but they can communicate disapproval.

Whether they think they do or not, all couples have conflict. The challenge is making the choice not to just bail out of the relationship when conflict arises. Instead, learn to differentiate between natural, healthy conflict and abnormally painful or unhealthy situations. Learn about the dynamics of relationships, and develop the skills you need to fight well. That way, conflict doesn’t destroy the relationship; it sheds light on important issues and helps you get to know each other more deeply, increasing your intimacy.

Breaking Up Without Falling Apart

At one time or another, all of us have experienced the pain of unrequited love – being pursued by someone whose feelings you didn’t return. You may be reluctant to end a dating relationship because even a bad one gives you some feeling of security. But the best thing you can do for an unhealthy relationship is to call it off before either of you gets hurt too badly.

If you’re thinking about initiating a breakup, make sure you talk to a confidant – a friend, family member, or counselor who can act as a sounding board. This person can help you sort out your feelings, make a decision, and determine the appropriate time and place to break up. Once the decision is made, don’t put it off. The longer you wait, the more pain you cause.

Make sure you don’t just leave a message on his machine. Get together in person and make it a clean break. You can be gentle; let him know what you appreciate about him and the relationship, but avoid making vague comments about "taking a step back" or "slowing down and enjoying the friendship."
This just gives him false hope. Instead, be honest and direct. Send a clear message: This romantic relationship is over.

And take time yourself to grieve the loss. Even if you’re the heartbreaker – the one initiating the breakup – it’s still traumatic. Breaking off a bad relationship can be extremely difficult and stressful. You’ll probably experience frustration, anxiety, anger, and guilt as you work through the stages of grief. So give yourself lots of time to recover.

If you’re the broken-hearted, the most important thing you can do is face reality. Don’t cling to false hope. Accept that the relationship is over and move on. The price you pay for denial is your dignity. You sacrifice your self-respect for desperation. And that’s never a pretty picture. Let yourself cry. There’s no question that breaking up from an unhealthy relationship hurts. Go ahead and have a good cry. You’ll feel better and the healing will begin sooner. Stop blaming yourself. People who have been burned too often take the blame. They feel guilty for "failing" in yet another relationship.

Remember that you aren’t so powerful that you can cause another person’s behavior. You may play a part in it, but you can’t cause it. You are not to blame. Another important point: steer clear of revenge. Revenge won’t make you feel better; it will eat you alive. Don’t get even; get over it. You’ll be a better and stronger person for it.

Immediately after a breakup, it’s unrealistic to expect to be friends. Dealing with rejection is hard. The heart-breakers seek continuation of the friendship for a sense of validation that they haven’t destroyed the other person, that they’re not rejecting him or her. Those who have been broken-hearted see it as a chance to prove what a mistake the breakup has been. It’s hard for them to get out of the performance syndrome – "I’ll show you!" In their hearts, they’re still auditioning for the part of the date.

If you’ve broken off a relationship, continue to be caring. Hope for the other’s well-being and pray for her, if you want to. But give her closure. Be prepared for all five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.

Have a friend hold you accountable to your decision so that you’re not tempted to rethink the breakup every time the other person enters a new phase of the process. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, your emotions are raw. You need other people’s objective help to continue treating the other person well.

Relationships on the Rebound

Feeling rejected by the person you care about is enough to drive almost anyone into the arms of the first willing person who comes along after the breakup. It doesn’t matter how spiritual you are; your self-esteem is damaged by the rejection and your judgment is altered. You lose perspective and don’t see the new person as he really is. Instead of evaluating him for compatibility and desirability as a life partner, you’re persuaded by the need you have for acceptance.

To avoid another heartache, make a commitment not to enter another dating relationship for some length of time proportionate to the length and seriousness of the relationship. You need an in-between time, when you’re empty and there’s space for healing.

Take time for self-examination. Do your best to recognize your contribution to the end of the relationship, and look back over the choices you made. Why did you decide to date this person in the first place? Are you clear about what type of person is the best fit for you? Was the compulsion for completion creating pressure in the relationship? Were your expectations reasonable? Understand what you contributed and what the other person contributed. Maybe there were external circumstances over which you had no control. Recognize that and trust God with it.

Another aid in recovering from a breakup is to ask others point-blank, "How do you perceive my ability to have intimate relationships? Is there anything I should know about how I pursue relationships?" We’re so afraid to ask people for their honest feedback, but often it could save us so much pain!

You don’t have to accept 100 percent of what everyone says, but take time to think it through. Then, having learned a few lessons, you can shore up your self-regard and find the strength to move on. A solid sense of who you are provides the foundation you need to forge relationships that last.

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