Healthy Anger Management

Written by Julie Ann Barnhill

This article is courtesy of HomeLife magazine.

You’re traveling to the nearest retail store, the lone adult in a non-air-conditioned, can’t-afford-to-get-it-fixed-minivan. It’s July, and your state is experiencing an unprecedented heat wave with humidity factors off the charts.

As your teething, drooling toddler attempts to gnaw through the shoulder restraints of his car seat, your 8-year-old daughter declares war on her 6-year-old brother. Quietly leaning over, she exhales a dose of rancid, haven’t-brushed-my-teeth-since-last-week, tyrannosaurus breath in his face. He squeals, “Stop it!” four octaves higher than any opera singer ever imagined and promptly smacks his sister on the head.

While issuing a "one-time only" warning, you pull into a crowded parking lot. An errant cart waylays the van, and you bite your tongue – really hard – in an attempt to quell any inappropriate ravings. The Hatfields and McCoys continue to duke it out behind you as your left eyelid begins to twitch uncontrollably.

Bad sign. Mount Momma is about to blow her top! You flail madly behind you – hoping to make a meaningful connection with either child. Your arm begins to cramp, and you resort to using your pointer finger as a deadly weapon. Staring down the drooling toddler and feuding siblings in the rearview mirror, you bellow at the top of your lungs: "You’d better stop it! You had better stop it or…"

"Or" is cut short as a big headed, skinny, vest-wearing toy ricochets off your head and lands in a small heap on your shoulder. The last two things you remember as the thrower squeals with delight are your eyelids twitching in unison and the time glaring from the dashboard: 8:41 a.m.

Anger and Parenthood

Mothers and fathers struggle with the emotion of anger toward their children. We’ve all been there and blown it; "there" being the point of no return in a given situation and "it" being sane, reasonable thoughts and actions.

Our "been there" stories run the gamut of parenting experience. We have all walked a colicky infant night after trying night, dealt with a willful toddler who refuses to go to the bathroom in the potty, shopped with a grumpy 12-year-old daughter for school clothes, or elicited cooperation from an 11-year-old boy who prefers TV to yard work.

Let’s face it: Parenting is difficult! Children are demanding – financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Real-life pressures that would have gone unnoticed before kids can now trigger volcanic emotions of anger: mounds of laundry, crusty kitchen floors, and piles of dirty dishes. Unresolved issues of your past – divorce, abuse, insecurities, and resentments – can also contribute to your angry outbursts as a mom or dad.

But take heart! You’re not doomed to be an explosive parent forever. Remember these three facts:

1. You are not alone. In 1998 one out of five attendees at the spring Hearts at Home Conference in Normal, Illinois, chose "She’s Gonna Blow!" as their number-one choice of workshops to attend. There were over 5,000 mothers attending this two-day event. I’ve received hundreds of e-mails, scribbled notes, and phone calls as far as Canada and the United Kingdom. Over and over I hear, "I thought I was the only mom who blew it so badly with her kids!"

2. Feeling angry or expressing anger isn’t necessarily wrong. Anger is a God-given response to a perceived threat. Sinfulness comes into play as we react verbally, physically, or emotionally in response to that threat. Being upset and not sinning is possible. It’s just very difficult to do, particularly with one’s own child.

3. God wants more than "good" mothers or fathers. He simply wants us! God wants us to be His children, to draw on His strength, and to learn from Him what it means to be a successful person. As we draw closer to Him – depending on Him and allowing Him to handle the inevitable pressures in our lives – we will become more like Him as we parent. And we may find ourselves coming to resemble the "good" mom or dad that we had envisioned. We will still blow it from time to time, but as we strive to be women and men of God, we will be growing more and more into God’s likeness.

Going Too Far

I knew I needed help in the spring of 1990. I was stressed dealing with a newborn baby and an 18-month-old. One particular night after pacing with an inconsolable infant and changing wet training pants of a toddler who refused to nap in the afternoon, I completely lost control. This moment of frustration and rage culminated when I harshly placed my daughter on her bed while crying and screaming, "Stay on your bed and take a nap!"

I mistreated my daughter that day. I reacted in a manner that was excessive and inappropriate. Previous promises to "not let it happen again" were once again broken. As my terrified daughter cowered from my touch, I finally admitted that it was going to take more than promises to change my behavior and thoughts. I needed professional counsel.

If you are out of control and convinced you are the worst parent that ever lived, know this truth: God wants to change your heart in the midst of your parenting. It isn’t necessarily a "six-step program" that will change your life, but it is God. He is there in the midst, softening your heart, reshaping your attitudes and actions through the wise counsel of gifted men and women.

A Future and a Hope

Since the day my first child was born, I have fumbled the parenting football and done wrong things countless times. But I have done some things right! I have held and rocked my three babies when others told me to "let them cry it out." I have played music way too loud and far too late in the evening with my 9-year-old son while his 4-year-old brother fell over laughing.

Kristen is now 13, Ricky Neal 12, and Patrick 7, and we have experienced joy and laughter in our home. In fact, one day my youngest son pouted over the lack of "been there" stories about him in my first book about motherhood and anger.

"Well, Patrick," I explained, "by the time you came along, Mom knew how to manage herself a little better." He uncrossed his arms, hugged me, and said, "Mom, I love you more than pigs and ice cream!"

As he ran off to do what little boys do, I thought to myself, "It does not get any better than this."

Julie Ann Barnhill is a popular speaker and author of She’s Gonna Blow! Real Help For Moms Dealing With Anger. Her latest book is 'Til Debt Do Us Part.

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