24 Hour Counselor: I Feel Really Guilty

Hi, my name is John. I know that you and I are probably very different, but I bet there's one thing we have in common. We've both done some wrong things in our lives, and feel guilty about it. I guess everybody has experienced that. I've felt really guilty about some of the things I've done, and it is not very comfortable.

I'd like to know how to handle my feelings about life and myself when I get this way. Like you, probably, I haven't talked with anyone about guilt, because I don't want to have to talk about what I’ve done. I think that's pretty normal for all of us.

But I've got a friend here with me who can help us with guilt. This is Pat Clendinning, a professor and professional counselor. He's willing to answer some questions about this business of guilt in our lives.

Pat, am I right in saying that guilt is something everybody experiences at one time or another?

Pat: You're absolutely right, John. Everyone has done something wrong at some time in his or her life. The Bible say in Romans chapter 3 verse 23 that, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (HCSB).¹ The simple fact is that we are all human, and we just do not have the capacity to be perfect.

John: Well, if we can't be perfect, does God really worry about all our mistakes?

Pat: God is concerned about every one of our sins, because they all represent decisions to act against His plan for our lives. I think He's disappointed in us. But I think there's understanding on His part; and there certainly is love. Otherwise, forgiveness wouldn't be possible.

John: Wow, it takes a great God to love us, put up with our bad decisions, and forgive us. But what happens, Pat, when we feel guilty about something we've done?

Pat: Well, guilt is a feeling that's based on knowledge. The actual feelings are more like shame, disappointment, and/or anxiety. We often try to tell ourselves we aren't responsible, that it really wasn't our fault, that if it hadn't been for something or someone else, this wouldn't have happened.

John: Sometimes I feel depressed. Everything seems hopeless. I'm disappointed and get really down on myself.

Pat: I can give you a good example of why you need to cope with that feeling with God’s help. There was a girl I'll call Elaine who was brought up in a Christian home and was always considered to be a leader and an outstanding youth. She became sexually active during her junior year and became pregnant shortly afterwards.

Elaine had her baby during the summer and none of her friends ever knew about it. The baby was adopted by a Christian couple. Elaine asked God to forgive her, but she couldn't get over the feeling of unworthiness and shame.

Because she thought so little of herself, she was easily persuaded to have sex again. And the sin-guilt-shame circle began all over again. Soon Elaine's life was out of control. She hated what she was doing, but felt like she had already ruined her life and couldn't accept God's forgiveness.

We don't believe in ourselves as much when we've done something we know is wrong. It is oftentimes tough for a sensitive Christian to deal with how he or she has disappointed God.

John: That same feeling of disappointment applies to important people in your life, too. I did something really dumb when I was in the ninth grade. And in addition to thinking I had let God down, I felt like I'd let my dad down, too. He believed in me so much and had given me so much. And I did something that made him lose faith in me. Everybody found out about it sooner or later. Then he was hurt and embarrassed as much as I was.

Pat: There’s another feeling we have a lot of the time when we feel guilty--and that's fear. Some people say that is the worst part of guilt--fear of being discovered. That kind of fear can destroy you inside.

John: When I feel guilty, I'm reminded not to do this stupid thing again. But that’s a good effect of guilt, right?

Pat: Definitely. Guilt can have a good purpose. We remember those bad feelings, and they can help us choose not to do it again. Of course, some people never learn the lesson. In spite of their guilty feelings, they do the same thing again.

This is very serious, for it means they have become hardened against the truth. Sometimes it's difficult to imagine that we could become so callused to guilt that we don't care any more.

John: Lots of things make teenagers feel guilty, maybe too many things. Could you feel guilty over something when you really don't need to?

Pat: Sure. There are several examples that come to mind. One is when parents divorce. The child sometimes feels it's his fault. Maybe the feeling comes from the fact that mother and dad have done a lot of arguing about how the child has been acting. This could possibly be one factor, but it certainly is not the cause of their getting a divorce. This is false guilt and should be handled as such.

If you are in this situation, be sure to read “My Parents Are Getting a Divorce” here in the 24-Hour Counselor. It will help.

Another example comes from what happened with a young friend of mine. His mother died suddenly one afternoon, and he felt very guilty that he was not at home to be with her. There was no way he could have known she was ill. There certainly was nothing he could have done. Nevertheless, he felt things might have been different if he had not stopped by a friend's house on the way home. But he had no reason whatsoever to feel guilty.

Frequently there is a sense of guilt about not having done our best in a certain situation. A teenager for example might feel guilty because she didn't do better on a test. This kind of guilt has to be looked at carefully. Certainly she wants to do her best. But once you have done your best, there's no need to punish yourself for not having done more.

Most teenagers know that they don’t have the ability to be perfect, but some hold themselves responsible for that high standard, nevertheless. If the youth minister says a good guideline for your quiet time is about 20 minutes a day, this person may set an hour and 20 minutes as his guideline, then feel guilty if the goal isn’t reached.

John: I've never thought about things like that, but getting those straightened out in our heads can free us up a lot.

Pat: We have to be careful about this, of course. We don't want to gloss over something that is really wrong just to get out from under the guilt. If you want guidance in deciding what is right and what is wrong, I'd suggest turning to the Bible. For example, Psalm 119 verse 9 says, "How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping Your word" (HCSB).

The Bible should be the final authority for our decisions. Proverbs chapter 3, verses 5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths" (HCSB).

When you fail to find a specific reference for what you're dealing with, ask for the Holy Spirit's guidance. Talk to your pastor, youth minister, or other trusted Christian adult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

John: That's good direction. What else would you say about how to handle guilt? It’s not easy.

Pat: First, regardless of what this involves, remember that this isn't the end of the world. There's nothing you have done that is so bad that you can't recover from it with God's help and forgiveness. Sometimes people do things bad enough that they think about committing suicide, but it certainly isn't worth that. God can and will forgive you, and you can forgive yourself.

There are some sins that we often feel are the worst in the world, sexual sins usually head this list. But that's our own and society's perception. There's nothing in Scripture that suggests an order of importance. This thing you're dealing with may be very embarrassing and that's understandable. But let me repeat: It is not the end of the world. You may have to pay the price of being embarrassed, but you'll live through it and you can grow through it.

There is really only one answer to guilt--to confess your sin and ask forgiveness. When we feel guilt and anxiety, we need a cleansing of all this from our system. And the way to do this is through confession to God, getting it all out and asking forgiveness, wiping the slate clean, making sure that it won't be held against us any longer.

We may see the situation we're in as complicated, but the process of being restored is actually quite simple. It's outlined in 1 John chapter 1, verse 9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (HCSB).¹ What could be any clearer than that?

If there's any doubt about God's willingness to hear and forgive, read Acts chapter 10, verse 43: "All the prophets testify about Him that through His name everyone who believes in Him will receive forgiveness of sins" (HCSB).

John: But isn't there a matter of repentance or, you know, the thought that you're never going to do this again?

Pat: Yes, we have to want to break away from the sin and have as our intention never to repeat it again. Read Proverbs chapter 28 verse 13, "The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy" (HCSB). The emphasis here is on promising that, within the best of your abilities, you won't do this again.

Next, ask the forgiveness of the person you've offended. If you've cheated in school, ask the forgiveness of your teacher. If you've let down a friend, ask forgiveness of that friend. If you've lied to your parent, ask forgiveness. The third step really is important in every instance, and it has to do with something often neglected.

John: Let me guess--forgive yourself.

Pat: That's right. Sometimes this is hard when you're sensitive to the fact that you have failed in something. But you have to forgive yourself. If God can forgive you, why shouldn't you forgive yourself? Genuinely ask God to forgive you; determine that you're not going to do this again; and make it up to the other person as best you can. Learn your lesson, but put it in the past and move on. It would be wrong for us not to regret something we did in sin, but there's no need to continue to punish yourself.

John: Sometimes that seems like the hardest part.

Pat: You're right. The word “forgiveness” implies cleansing us of all sin and then not holding it against us any more. Sometimes we get this idea confused with “forgetting.”

Some things we do, we don’t need to forget. We need that reminder. We need to remember that action so we can avoid it in the future. We need to seek forgiveness from God, from the person we have wronged, and we need to forgive ourselves as well.

John: Isn't it great that God allows us to get out from under the guilt we feel when we sin? That really makes me glad I'm a Christian. When I think about how complex things can get and when I remember how painful it was to feel guilty, I think about how much better it would be if I just didn't have to experience guilt at all. Any suggestion on how to keep from doing the things that produce guilt?

Pat: Obviously, you should be sensitive to what's right and what's wrong. Keep in touch with God's Word as your guideline. And let your love for God and not your fear of God be your motivation for living the right way. When you're in doubt or having a particularly hard time, read Psalm 55 verse 22: "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will support you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken" (HCSB).

Learn to be sensitive to temptation; understand how it comes on you. That's your warning to be on guard. In many situations of temptation, you need to get away from the scene as quickly as you can.

You're going to make mistakes. We all do. Try to minimize those, with God’s help, and things will work out well for you. Remember that God is concerned that you not be so tempted that you fall: "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so that you are able to bear it" (1 Cor. 10:13, HCSB).

John: That is one of my favorite verses from the Bible. I have memorized it.

Pat: That is terrific. You're off to a good start toward keeping things straight if you'll just call on God for the way of escape. Don't let anybody persuade you otherwise. Even when the pressure of friends tells you otherwise, stick by what you know is right.

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¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

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The 24-Hour Counselor © 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.