24 Hour Counselor: My Parents Are Divorcing

Hi. I'm John. I guess you are feeling kind of confused. A lot of teens do if their parents separate. I'm glad you came to this site. I think it will help you. I'll be talking about divorce with a friend of mine who is a professional counselor. Dr. Wade Rowatt.

Dr. Rowatt: So, you think your parents are divorcing. Well, the first big task is to check out your information. Get the facts.

John: What do you mean check it out?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, how do you know they are divorcing? What makes you think that? Unless they tell you for themselves, then you really don't know for sure. You need to ask if they are getting a divorce. If you have just heard them arguing, it may be a fear that is not real. Maybe they argue so much that you are afraid they are getting a divorce.

For sure you need to go to one, or if possible both of them, and ask them, "Are you divorcing?" You might tell them what you have heard and tell them your concerns.

John: But I'm afraid to talk with them.

Dr. Rowatt: John, I can understand that. I know it is often very difficult to talk with your parents when they are having problems. But find a time when you can be alone with one of them or both perhaps and try to bring up the subject. It might be that your fears are unfounded. They may be living apart or separated or fighting a lot, and they need time for their anger to cool down.

John: OK, but suppose I do ask them and they are divorcing? What then?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, you need to find the answers to several questions. Have they actually contacted a lawyer? What are their plans in terms of when the divorce might happen? And are they getting help from a counselor or your minister or from anyone? Find out their plans for you, too.

John: OK. How do I find those things out?

Dr. Rowatt: Again, you simply have to ask them. If you absolutely cannot make yourself ask them, write them a letter or an email in which you ask them some of these questions. Ask them to come and talk with you, or ask them to write back.

John: I am worried about my future. Of course, I am worried about them, but what is going to happen to me? Where will I live and will we have enough money? I'm worried about those things.

Dr. Rowatt: That is very understandable. If your parents divorce, your life will change in many ways. Depending on laws in your state, you are likely to have some input into those changes. You may even get to make some of the decisions yourself. They might even ask if you want to live with your father or with your mother.

John: But how can I know what is going to happen to me?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, in a way you won't know for sure until it all unfolds. You will need to be flexible and draw on your faith. But I still would suggest that you talk with your parents alone and ask some things specifically such as: Where will I live?

John: Does this mean I am going to have to get a job? Or does this mean I am going to have to give up my money? Does this mean we are going to have to move? I might lose all my friends.

Dr. Rowatt: John, that's a major concern for a lot of teenagers, because the teen years are the years of moving away from parents and bonding with friends. If your parents are going to force you to move because of the divorce, there are a couple of alternatives.

You can ask for time and for ways to come back and visit. Maybe even come back and spend summer break when school is out. Or you could ask for permission to stay with someone in the community, specifically with an older teenager and their parents. Sometimes, you can stay with an aunt, an uncle, grandparents, or other relatives so you can finish out the school year at least.

John: What if I don't want to move? Do I have to?

Dr. Rowatt: If your parents and the court say you have to, then you really don't have any choice except to make the best out of the move. You will have to learn to make new friends, to reach out to new people. If you move, I would encourage you to go to church as soon as possible. You will begin to make some new friends there. Especially talk to the pastor or youth minister. Let them know what's happened in your family. Also, get involved in activities such as team sports.

John: Even if everything works out that we are not going to move, I'm just so confused about the way I feel sometimes.

Dr. Rowatt: That's a normal response. Many people are shocked and they experience disbelief, even numbness, when they find out that their own parents might be ending their marriage. You are not weird or different from other persons who begin this grieving process. Also, remember your parents' feelings. They erupt into a river of confusion during this crisis, and they have needs, too.

John: Sometimes I feel so sad that I don't want to do anything. I just wish I could crawl up and go to sleep and everything would change. There must be something wrong with me.

Dr. Rowatt: No, John, there is not anything wrong with you. That sadness is a normal reaction when a person learns that his parents are getting a divorce. When your parents divorce, that's a big loss for you.

The Scripture says that Jesus wept when He learned of the death of a good friend. And you have learned of the death of your parents' marriage. So it's OK if you feel like crying sometimes. Just find a big shoulder and let it all come out.

Sometimes, your hurt may feel like knots in your stomach and you are just sick. That, too, is common as a part of the sadness and the pain around your parents' divorcing. If you hide your thoughts and feelings inside you, those pains will grow like a cancer. Find somebody with whom you can talk and share this pain. If you are not sleeping right or eating right or exercising, you will need to find a way to do those things again. You may even need to ask your parents to make an appointment for you with a doctor to check you out for any physical symptoms. They sometimes develop when you are holding the pain inside.

John: Sometimes I feel like I've caused them to get this divorce. Maybe it's my fault.

Dr. Rowatt: John, I hate to keep saying this, but that, too, is a common feeling among teens whose parents divorce. But let me assure you that you alone did not cause this divorce. Even if you heard or overheard your parents arguing about you, and even if you know you caused some difficulties for your parents, let me promise you that you are not the final cause of their divorce.

When parents decide to divorce, they are rejecting each other, not you. Whatever the issues in their divorce might be, you can be assured that you have not caused them to leave each other. Even if your parents are divorcing because of something you did or said, they had other options to respond to this crisis. They can get help. They can find new alternatives and work through the crisis. Here me clearly, John. You can not blame yourself for your parents’ actions.

John: But I know I have done some things that have disappointed my parents. I know I failed at some things.

Dr. Rowatt: Yes, and I am sure you have some real guilt. These are the kinds of things that cause you to seek forgiveness. Ask them to forgive you and pray, and be assured that God will forgive you. But know that those things did not cause their divorce. They may have been a small factor, but you are not guilty of killing their marriage. If you still think you are, talk to your parents about it. Discuss it with a minister or a counselor who can help you see this situation clearly.

John: You know, it may sound crazy; but in a way I am relieved that the loud arguments may stop. I want the uproar to calm down.

Dr. Rowatt: That's OK, John. Separation does calm things down.

John: Sometimes I just get so angry at them I can hardly stand it. How can they be so stupid? How could they be doing the things that they are doing to me and to each other? Can't they see? I want to scream.

Dr. Rowatt: John, you are going to get tired of me saying this. But again, that anger, too, is a normal part of the grief reaction as you anticipate your parents getting a divorce. You are probably angry in general that it's happening to your family. Understanding and expressing anger will free you from its terrible grip, and will likely keep you from doing some things that you will regret later.

Sometimes, in anger, we say and do things that we really don't mean. Talking about it can reduce that likelihood. For example, some people get so angry at their parents that they stop taking care of themselves. They go out and let themselves get pregnant or they get someone else pregnant. They start using alcohol or drugs. They run away from home and get in trouble. Even though you can't control your parents' relationship, you still must find a way to control your actions and responses.

John: I wouldn't do something like that. I just get so angry at them I can hardly stand it. I even want to smash furniture, but I don't.

Sometimes I don't know why they do the things they do. I get angry at Dad and then I am angry at Mom. I don't know which side to take.

Dr. Rowatt: That's a realistic feeling because in every divorce, both sides have some of the fault. The major fault may be with one of your parents. But don't take sides.

John: But what can I do about this anger?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, if you can't keep it under control, share it with the parent you feel angry toward. I would suggest a fill-in-the-blank formula for dealing with your anger. You may say something like this: “I'm angry at you because . . .” and then fill in the blank. Tell them how you feel. It may not change anything, but at least you had a chance to get it out. Then be sure to listen to their side.

Before you share your anger, think through why you are so upset. Are your facts correct? You think something and that upsets you. Is that thought true?

John: What do you mean?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, for example, you might think they don't love you or they would stay together. And that leads you to feel angry. The truth is that they no longer love each other enough to work out their differences. They still love you. You are still loved. Be angry for the real situation, not just your negative thoughts. Sometimes, you are not sure why you are angry and upset. If that is the case, say so.

John: I'm so mixed up. There are still other things going around in my head.

Dr. Rowatt: What kind of other things, John?

John: Well, sometimes I think all of this just isn't real. I think I'll wake up and stop dreaming and we'll be a happy family.

Dr. Rowatt: That would be nice, wouldn't it?

John: Yes. And I guess I want to try and do something. I want to try and get them back together.

Dr. Rowatt: Be careful that you don't manipulate and try to play games with them. Just talk directly with them.

John: What do you mean, play games with them?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, don't arrange things where both of your parents have to show up and they didn't know the other was coming. Or don't do something where they both have to come to see you. For example, I know of one teenager who deliberately had a car wreck thinking that both of his parents would have to come down to the hospital to see him. He hoped that would help them get back together. Well, he succeeded in breaking some bones for himself, but it didn't get his parents back together. It just added to the problem. They fought about that.

John: I have a friend and his parents are divorced. He didn't want to try and get them back together. In fact, he was relieved. My friend said he felt bad about that.

Dr. Rowatt: That, too, John, is understandable. He is probably relieved because he knows the level of pain and hurt and arguing that had been going on in the home would stop. He was relieved because there would be some hope for a sense of peace again. That is acceptable and perhaps even somewhat positive.

John: It still just doesn't seem fair that I have to lose my mom and dad at this stage in my life.

Dr. Rowatt: Wait a minute, John. Your father may be losing a wife. Your mother may be losing a husband. But you are not losing a father; you are not losing a mother. You still have them both. Your father is not divorcing you and putting you out. Your mother is not divorcing you and putting you out. You still have a father and a mother.

John: Yeah, but my relationship with them will be different.

Dr. Rowatt: At least it will happen in a different place and a different way. Whatever you do, try to maintain the best possible relationship with your father and your mother. Don't break off those relationships for good. If there is any way you can, I would suggest that you ask your father and your mother to sit down and talk with you about what they expect it will be like for you after the divorce.

John: What do you mean? What will it be like?

Dr. Rowatt: Well, you may have a separate set of rules in the two homes. You will have to be careful that you don't play your father and mother against each other just to get your way. Be mature and grown-up about playing by both sets of rules.

Let me give you an example. One girl's mother wouldn't let her date at age 15. But when she would go over to her father's, she would invite boys to his apartment while he was gone and he said that was OK. She knew that it was in violation of her mother's rule and she felt badly about it. I encourage you not to do anything at one place that wouldn't be acceptable at the other place. Try to live by the best rules in both places.

John: Here’s a huge question for me. How do I treat the people that my parents are dating? I'm sure my father is going to date, and I don't like that.

Dr. Rowatt: You can express your anger and disappointment with your parents, but you probably can't change their dating habits. It's best if you try to be respectful to your parents, even when they are doing things with which you disagree. Do you know Ephesians 6:1-3 in the Bible? God says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’-- which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land’ ” (HCSB).¹

You see, even when your parents are divorcing and dating someone else, you still have to honor and obey them. Respecting your parents when they are doing things you find difficult to accept will require you to draw upon strength from God. Tell them that you disagree, that you are upset, but remember to be respectful. I suggest that you make it a habit to pray regularly for your parents, John.

John: What if he dates her and doesn't have any time for me? He might date someone who has kids and like them better.

Dr. Rowatt: Those are real possibilities. If it happens, speak up for yourself. If you have to, set up time far in advance. Demand your fair share.

John: You mentioned the Bible. What does it say about divorce? I mean, does it teach that divorce is wrong?

Dr. Rowatt: Yes, John, it does. Here in Matthew 5:32: “But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (HCSB).

Divorce is the death of a marriage, and that falls short of God's ideal standards. It is a failure. But it is not an unpardonable sin. Your parents can find forgiveness if they seek it from God.

John: Thanks. I was really confused about that. But I still have another question. What do I tell my friends? Should I keep it a secret?

Dr. Rowatt: That depends on your agreement with your parents. They have probably told some people. I would suggest that you ask their permission to talk with some of your friends, especially friends whose parents might have already divorced. They can tell you what it was like for them, and it will help you to have somebody to share it with.

John: Should I tell my grandparents?

Dr. Rowatt: Ask your parents if they have told their parents. If you want to talk with your grandparents, tell your folks you would like to do so.

Certainly, you should tell someone with whom you can talk. You don't need to be carrying this around inside of you alone.

Most people find that they can talk with their youth minister or a special teacher at school, or perhaps the counselor at school, or maybe talk with their pastor or Sunday School teacher. Share what is going on with you. Accept support when you need it.

You might want to tell your parents that you want to see a professional counselor. Some churches now have counselors on staff, and they are especially prepared to help you understand your parents' divorce.

John: Should I ask my parents to see a counselor for themselves?

Dr. Rowatt: Good idea, John. You could ask if they have already seen a counselor. And if not, ask if they would please talk with somebody. That may or may not save the marriage. It will certainly help the divorce be less damaging to them and less damaging to you.

Continually pray for your parents, and pray for your own peace. In time, you will find the hope you want for your life.

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¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.