24 Hour Counselor: I'm Tempted to Go too Far on a Date

Hi, I'm JoAnn.

And I'm John.

JoAnn: We're going to think along with you for awhile about a very important subject--dating behavior and the temptation to go too far in your physical relationship.

John: It's something teens of all ages--Christian and non-Christian--are interested in and are having to make decisions about. When youth are asked about the kind of help they would like to get from their church, counseling about sexual questions ranks at the top of all the lists.

JoAnn: We want you to meet Dr. Lane Powell, a college professor who has spent a lot of time designing sex education programs for church youth. She also is a licensed professional counselor and author of The Dating Book.

John: I'm sure we all have some of the answers to this question. But why is it so easy to be tempted to go too far on a date?

Dr. Powell: Well, John, there are several reasons, but they fall into two basic categories: pressures from within and pressures from without.

Let's start with the pressures from within. When girls and guys hit puberty, a rush of hormones starts pouring into their system. Boys and girls start looking very different, and both boys and girls start feeling very differently about their bodies, about their families, and about the opposite sex.

JoAnn: There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Dr. Powell: Absolutely not. We were designed that way by God in order to fulfill His very first commandment in the Garden of Eden.

In Genesis chapter 1, verse 28, God has just finished making the world by making the human family, male and female, in His own image: "Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth' " (NKJV).¹

Dr. Powell: Notice the last phrase of God's command. "And subdue it." "Subdue" translated into words we can understand means, "tame it," "make it work for you." The thing to remember here is that God knows His highest creation can do more than just react to biological urges like the animals do.

He's given each one of us a brain and a soul. He has given us the ability to gain wisdom and control; the ability to love and care and commit. Most of all, He has given us the capacity to relate to each other and to Him as companions and friends. In other words, God expects a lot more of us than He does His other creatures.

But we get a lot more in return.

JoAnn: So you are saying that God creates the urges and surges within us, but He also creates in us the power to control those urges?

Dr. Powell: Exactly. We're not helpless victims of our hormones.

John: That's easy for you to say. But what about when you're out on a date? She looks so good and smells so good and feels so good. Surely you don't mean I can control myself.

JoAnn: Yeah, it's not so easy to think about control when all systems keep saying go, go, go! So what do you do?

Dr. Powell: We'll get to that, I promise. Let's go on with other reasons why teens feel tempted to go too far.

John: All right, so tell us more.

Dr. Powell: I think another pressure from within that is especially strong for many youth today is the yearning to be loved and hugged and just paid attention to.

John: Why do you say that's especially strong today?

Dr. Powell: Well, marital unhappiness and divorce have become such a common problem today. Lots of teens are growing up in homes that have experienced a great deal of turmoil. Situations like this cause everyone to feel and express less love toward one another. The unhappiness just doesn't leave much energy for caring about another person's needs, so lots of kids have been short-changed in terms of words of encouragement and love. They've missed out on many of the family hugs and kisses that go with a warm, secure family relationship.

JoAnn: I can relate to that. My parents divorced four years ago and I haven't gotten over it yet. I still miss my dad's kisses and hugs like crazy. My mom tries so hard, but she's pretty short-tempered and tired when she gets home at night. So we try to leave her alone. Sometimes I feel empty and sad, and yearn for someone to hold me and tell me I'm special.

Dr. Powell: What you're feeling is very normal for someone in your situation. In a sense, you're hungry for positive responses. Let's compare that with a person who is, let's say, hungry for food. What does someone do in that situation?

John: That's easy, they look for food.

Dr. Powell: Right. And if you're really hungry you don't care where or how you get it. You may even start stealing or robbing trash cans. Both of these are high risk behaviors. But when you are starving, your primitive law of survival kicks on.

John: So how does this relate to going too far on a date? Are you saying some people are starving for sex?

Dr. Powell: Well, they may think they are. What they're really starving for is love. It's easy to get confused when you have that pressure and you think sex will fill that need for love. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Having sex in order to feel loved is backwards thinking, and involves some very risky behavior.

JoAnn: But some of my friends say they are in love. And they have sex because they want to show it.

Dr. Powell: Well, let's go back to the Bible again and see what the One who created us has to say about the relationship of sex and love. We're still in Genesis, this time chapter 2, verse 24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (NKJV).

We're talking about a permanent relationship here. God says, No more dependence on mom and dad. You and your mate form a spiritual union and a physical union. But the commitment is supposed to come first.

John: I don't understand. I thought we were talking about love.

Dr. Powell: We are. We're talking about lasting love. The kind of love that calls for sacrifice and commitment. The love chapter in the New Testament--1 Corinthians chapter 13--gives even more specifics about what lasting love looks like.

Dr. Powell: Before we read it, let me suggest that you try putting your name in the place of the word "love," or "charity" as it's written in some versions. See how closely your behavior or your date's behavior fits the description of a lasting love relationship. Remember, put your name in every place that the word "love" appears.

John: OK: John is patient; John is kind. John does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited; does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs; finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

JoAnn: Wow, can anyone ever live up to that kind of list?

Dr. Powell: Not entirely. But that's what we should be aiming for and looking for. It's the kind of love that cares as much for the other person's welfare as for your own. It takes that type of love to last through the storms and hard times of life.

John: Are you saying that most teens aren't really in love?

Dr. Powell: Oh, they're in love all right. But it's a kind of first-stage love. I call it passing love as opposed to lasting love. For instance, how many of your friends were head-over-heels for somebody last year and now won't even talk to that person?

John: I see what you mean. At our age there's a lot of falling in and out of love.

Dr. Powell: Yeah, and that's appropriate. You're at an age of discovery about yourself and other people. What you want to avoid is confusing passing love with lasting love.

JoAnn: Because?

Dr. Powell: Because if you mistake passing love for lasting love you're likely to get things in reverse order. You get into a physical relationship before you're ready, and the negative results can be huge. That's why God commands that we enjoy sex only within marriage--to protect us from needless crises.

John: What sort of crises, as if I didn't know?

Dr. Powell: You probably do know some of them, but I may have some information you haven't heard before. So don't turn me off now.

One of the most serious crises, of course, is an unexpected pregnancy. It's sad when the creation of new life is seen as a crisis. I'm sure that's not how God designed it at all. Over one and a half million teenage girls get pregnant every year. This means that, when you count each girl and her boyfriend,  three million teens are faced with the dilemma of how to deal with an unexpected pregnancy.

And all of the choices about what to do are agonizing and have long-term effects.

John: Even abortion?

Dr. Powell: Especially abortion. Even years later a girl may find that she still feels a great deal of guilt and grief over her decision. Abortion is certainly not the easy way out.

John: I bet I know what most teens are saying: "This won't happen to me. You're just trying to scare me."

Dr. Powell: That's right. Most teens don't believe that getting pregnant is really that easy, but it is certainly possible to get pregnant the first time you have sex. It's possible to get pregnant any time of the month. It's even possible to get pregnant without having intercourse.

John: How can that be?

Dr. Powell: You need to know that the male sperm are very numerous. Over three million in a single ejaculation, and very vigorous. We know that sperm can live up to five days in the female's reproductive organs, waiting for an egg to be released from the ovaries. Sperm can also wiggle into and up the vaginal canal, even if only a small amount of seminal fluid is released on the outside of the female's vagina.

JoAnn: So even if the couple is not actually having sex, she could still get pregnant?

Dr. Powell: I'm afraid that's right. It's not as likely to occur in that situation, but it is possible. So why take that chance?

John: Good question. So one of the serious consequences to premarital sex is that we're risking pregnancy. What else?

Dr. Powell: Well, we're all aware of the dangers of sexually transmitted disease, especially AIDS. But there are also 26 other sexually transmitted diseases. Although the others are not deadly, several are not curable. Herpes is one of these. Some are not easy to detect, so they go untreated. The end result can be serious illness, not being able to have children, or having a baby born with a disease. Surely this is not what God wants for us or for our children.

John: Yeah, but most guys I know use protection when they have sex.

Dr. Powell: But that's not 100 percent foolproof, even against AIDS. The only 100 percent safe sex is sex within marriage with a partner who has never had sex outside of marriage.

JoAnn: Dr. Powell, do you think God is trying to punish us for wanting to have sex?

Dr. Powell: Not at all. God is the one who gave us the hormones that cause the desire. We have to use our bodies wisely and reverently. After all, we're only issued one body in a lifetime.

John: I remember hearing something about my body being a temple.

Dr. Powell: Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, given to us by God. We are not our own, for we were bought with a price. He ends with, "Therefore, glorify God in your body" (HCSB).²

JoAnn: Maybe we need to paste that verse on our mirror at home or something. It's a good reminder about who we are and whose we are.

Dr. Powell: I couldn't have said it better myself. I often get the question, "Where in the Bible does it say that premarital sex is a sin?" Most translations do not use the words "premarital sex." The biblical word for casual sex or sex outside of marriage is "fornication."

John: That's a terrible word.

Dr. Powell: Yes. I avoid using it whenever I can, but it's there. Look it up for yourself in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. You might also want to read Matthew 15:16-20. Jesus says that the things that truly defile or corrupt a person come from within. Then He lists fornication along with a number of other things such as evil thoughts, murder, adultery, theft, lying, and gossip or slander.

JoAnn: That sounds like a pretty serious list.

Dr. Powell: Well, Jesus definitely pinpoints sexual irresponsibility as a sin--missing the target of what God intends for each of us.

JoAnn: You said there were two types of pressure, pressure from within and without. But are there others?

Dr. Powell: There are some that combine internal and external pressure, such as the need to be liked and accepted by your friends and your boyfriend or girlfriend. It takes a strong person to stand up for his or her values when they go against what the group seems to be saying and doing.

John: Yeah, some guys get teased about being a virgin if they're not having sex with at least one girl.

JoAnn: Girls get teased by their friends sometimes, too.

Dr. Powell: Wouldn't you agree that the main pressure for the girl comes from her boyfriend? She doesn't want to displease or anger him because she might lose him, and then where would she be? So she says yes, when she really wants to say no.

JoAnn: And if she says no, he may think she's only teasing and push himself on her anyway.

Dr. Powell: Date rape is becoming a bigger and bigger problem. That's why it's important to know your date really well before you start to single date. If he's a genuine friend, he'll respect your decisions and never ever use emotional or physical pressure on you. You may want to read, "I Was Raped on a Date," which also is a part of The 24-Hour Counselor.

John: It seems like most of the music and lots of the movies and TV shows give the impression that sexual involvement outside of marriage is no big deal. The message seems to be that there is no "too-far" point. The message I see all the time is that sex is fun and fulfilling. And if both people agree, then no one gets hurt. So why is there a problem?

Dr. Powell: One problem is the idea that sex before marriage is no big deal. That seems to put sex in the same category with going to the movie or holding hands. Sex can be fun and expressive, but in the right context it's so much more than that. In God's design, sexual union follows the spiritual union of a man and woman. It's an act of marriage, and out of that deepest level of physical love and commitment comes deeper understanding, deeper caring, and the creation of a new family and new life.

JoAnn: You make it sound really special.

Dr. Powell: I believe in the act of sexual union we come closest to the heart of God because we're sharing with Him in the work of creation. When God made the world, He created us as sexual beings, male and female. Then He looked at what He had done and declared, "This is great!"

I'm very sad when I think of something that good and that special being turned into no big deal. With that attitude, we become like any other animal, following our biological impulses with a variety of mates rather than being the God-like special creations we are meant to be.

John: Are you saying we cheat ourselves when we see sex as no big deal?

Dr. Powell: Yes, John, that's exactly what I'm saying. We settle for the least amount of meaning to the act of sex rather than the most.

JoAnn: That message certainly doesn't come across at the movies.

Dr. Powell: Well, how many of the actors and actresses do you see deal with the real consequences of unprotected sex? Even though birth-control is now abundantly available in drug stores and through clinics, many teens do not even consider using it.

JoAnn: Why is that?

Dr. Powell: Many really don't intend to go that far, so they don't think it's necessary. They're totally unprepared for the powerful feelings that can override their good intentions. Another reason is that buying and using birth control seems like they're planning to have sex, or it seems unromantic. After all, you rarely see or hear anything about birth control in the movies or on TV.

John: Yeah, it's usually pictured as natural and easy and fun.

Dr. Powell: No one talks much about what it's like to find out that you're pregnant or have AIDS or Herpes. No one mentions feeling used and abused, a loss of self-esteem, and even a lack of sexual responsiveness within marriage.

JoAnn: Would someone who had sex partners before marriage tend to make comparisons to their husband or wife?

Dr. Powell: I think that would only be natural, and of course, there's always the nagging doubt that someday he or she will get bored with me and go looking for someone more exciting. Casual sex can certainly undermine trust in a marriage.

John: OK, suppose we really want to keep from going too far on a date. What are some practical suggestions for sticking to our limits?

Dr. Powell: First, you need to know what your limits are. Remember that even low level sexual arousal can turn on all the circuits and push you into wanting higher levels of physical stimulation. I often tell teens that when they begin to think about shedding clothes, all the warning bells ought to sound and they had better put the brakes on quick.

Once the hormonal engine gets revved up, so to speak, nothing else matters. You need to set your limits before you go on the date. Then let your date know that you've reached your limit. Period. Don't be tricked into feeling guilty by some line your date may hand you.

JoAnn: Yeah, why are lines so hard to handle?

Dr. Powell: I think it's because they strike at our self-image, or sexuality, and our desire not to hurt anybody's feelings.

Dr. Powell: I've found that saying "wait" is really more effective than saying "no." It doesn't set up as much of a power struggle, and it communicates what we're talking about.

John: So what do you do after you say "wait"?

Dr. Powell: Well you could say something like, "I've reached my limit, we've got to start backing up," or "Wait a minute, we've got to start talking because this is getting very heavy and I don't intend to go any further" or even "Wait, let's pray about this." That usually puts a damper on things.

John: What are some lines that dates use to pressure you?

JoAnn: Here's one: If we're going to get married, we've got to know if we're compatible.

Dr. Powell: That's a line with no basis in fact. Sexual compatibility is something that develops between two people who are committed to loving, caring, and learning to please each other. It's not something you can even judge in a courtship.

John: What about, "If you love me, you'd let me."

JoAnn: Here's the answer for that one: "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask!"

Dr. Powell: How about, "You know you want it as much as I do."

JoAnn: I can say, "I don't believe I do want it as much as you do. Besides, I want to honor God and take care of myself and my future even more."

Dr. Powell: And of course, you can always say, "I don't buy that line. I know what's best for me."

John: Are there any other suggestions for staying within the limits?

Dr. Powell: I have a couple more. One is to stay away from situations where you and your date are together alone for long periods of time. Most first-time intercourse occurs in the girl's or boy's home when the parents are gone. Another suggestion is not to be in a hurry to start single dating or going steady.

JoAnn: Why is that?

Dr. Powell: Research tells us that girls and guys who single date before age 16 and who go steady early are more likely to get involved in sex before marriage. I think, particularly with girls, the younger they are, the more likely they are to date older and sexually wiser guys.

I remember my first single date at age 14 with a 6' 4" senior basketball player. It only took one date to realize what he was really interested in. Fortunately, I had been taught by my parents and my church to say no, and I had no problem telling him to put the seat up and take me home.

Of course, he dropped me after that. But I didn't cry for long. I knew I had saved myself a lot of hassle and guilt and grief. But other girls haven't had as much support in how to say no. If you date in a casual group or double date, you won't be easy prey.

John: You make guys sound like real jerks, out to get what they can, however they can.

Dr. Powell: That's not always true, but it fits for lots of guys. Many males see having sex as a chance to score and that's all, while most girls see it as an expression of love and commitment.

JoAnn: I see what you mean. And from what you said about the ease of getting pregnant, there could be a baby to care for by somebody who hasn't had much time to mature and learn to love herself, much less somebody else.

What if a friend is already doing some of these risky behaviors? Is it too late to do something different?

Dr. Powell: No, it's never too late to get back on track. Talking to an adult who will listen and understand can help you with that. Because even if the situation looks difficult to you, it's not hopeless.

John: What do you mean?

Dr. Powell: I mean that Jesus brings hope and forgiveness to people. Teens who feel that no one cares need to know that God cares, and that He sends that love through people who care. God can offer a source of strength, love, and self-discipline to all who are willing to claim it.

That promise is written for all the world to see in 2 Timothy 1:7: "God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment" (HCSB). You are worth that kind of gift. All you have to do is ask, and it's yours.

JoAnn: So the teen who feels powerless to cope with powerful feelings can find strength in Christ.

Dr. Powell: Definitely. Remember the last recorded words of Christ? Acts 1:8 says, " 'But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be My witnesses' " (HCSB).

John: And Matthew 28:20 quotes Jesus: " 'I am with you always' " (HCSB).

Dr. Powell: It's important to remember that Jesus said we would be witnesses wherever we go, whatever we do. And that includes our dating behavior. We show His love to others when we reach for the best God has to offer to us and to those we date. When we fall short of the best and miss the mark, God forgives and forgets. But He doesn't lower His standards for you. Jesus told a woman caught in adultery, "Go and sin no more." And He also tell us, "I am with you always."

_______
¹Scripture quotations marked "NKJV" are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
²Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

Back to Top of Page

The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.