24 Hour Counselor: I Can't Relate to My Single Parent

Hello, I'm John. Thanks a lot for coming to this site. I think you are going to be glad you did.

There are a lot of teenagers today who live with only one parent. I do, and it's really tough sometimes. My mom and I both have our own problems, and sometimes just living in the same house seems next to impossible. Since you are here, I'm guessing that your life with a single parent must have its rough spots, too.

I have several friends whose parents are divorced and one friend whose mom died. Having divorced parents makes us all feel like we belong in two different families. Single parents aren't around as much as when there are two. Sometimes we feel really lonely, like we've been abandoned.

Having someone to talk to usually helps a lot. But some teenagers don't have someone they feel free to talk with. It's tough to feel like you've got to keep everything inside. Maybe you feel that way.

I guess the next best thing to having someone to talk to could be listening to someone talk about families similar to yours and mine. I want you to meet Jan Lundy. Ms. Lundy is a counselor who spends much of her time with teenagers and families. I've asked her to talk with us for a few minutes about what it's like to live with a single parent. Ms. Lundy, do most teenagers and single parents have a hard time getting along?

Ms. Lundy: They really do, John. The stress levels of single-parent families are often a lot higher than that of most two-parent families. But, before you get too discouraged, I want to say that there are ways to cope and develop a team spirit.

John: Good. My mom and I sure don't have what you would call a team spirit right now. You said the stress level is a lot higher in single-parent families. Why is that?

Ms. Lundy: Well, let's start with the parent. A single mom may be overwhelmed by the task of working full time, plus maintaining a place to live, keeping up at least one car, and maybe a yard. Many single parents mistakenly try to make up for what the other parent doesn't give and be both mom and dad. And try to have some type of social life, some friends their own age, and some fun.

On top of all that, most of the time divorce cuts the family income drastically, and there's not enough money to cover everything. Financial troubles are extremely stressful.

Then there's the pain of grief. The parent may be feeling anger, fear, depression, resentfulness, and sadness for a few months, maybe even a few years until healing can occur. That grief was probably there even when the marriage was awful. But there's something about finally letting go that is a terrific loss.

John: It does sound overwhelming. I know I feel overwhelmed sometimes, too. What about the teenagers and their stresses?

Ms. Lundy: The hardest part for teenagers is the fact that, in a divorce, parents have made a decision which has turned their life upside down. The teen had zero control, no way to stop it from happening. All of us react with fear and anger when we are hurt like that by an event we couldn't control. Some teenagers feel that they've even caused the breakup. That's never true. They feel guilty for something they couldn't help.

Next to that, one of the biggest complaints that I hear is the one about money. There's just not enough. And teenagers need money, right? There's usually lots of anger and frustration about not being able to get a car and the clothes they want and spending money. Often they end up having to get a job after school. Personally, I think going to school is a full-time job in itself.

John: Really.

Ms. Lundy: So teenagers are working at school, having a second job after school, and probably being asked or required to help at home more. Here's a common scenario: Wanting to spend time with friends on the phone and go out; having the added pressure of relating to a sometimes angry and depressed parent; and feeling really hurt and angry themselves. And then there's the issue of trying to fit in or feel comfortable in two different families. That's a tough one, especially if one or both parents have remarried.

John: Yeah, and don't forget the homework. We bring work home from our job at school.

Ms. Lundy: Now it's my turn to say, "Wow!" Oftentimes, parents and teens are both on overload.

John: Sounds like we'd better get to the coping part of this discussion pretty quick. One of the hardest things for me is coping with my anger. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode, and several of my friends feel the same way. What can teens do about anger?

Ms. Lundy: I'm really glad you recognize your anger. That's a first step. Anger can be a very healthy emotion. But a lot of us Christians think we are not supposed to be angry, so we bury it deep inside.

You notice I'm saying "us" and "we." Anger has been a tough feeling for me to manage, too. I'm inclined to bury it. The most natural thing to do with anger besides bury it is to vent it and attack the person you are angry with. Venting is very natural, like a knee-jerk reflex. But, venting doesn't help. It usually escalates the situation and our anger. So, the big challenge is to learn to do something besides what comes naturally with anger.

John: What do you mean?

Ms. Lundy: Most of us haven't seen anyone handle anger very well, so we don't know what to do with it or what to do when someone is angry with us. For teenagers, all emotions are extremely intense. That's normal. But it makes the challenge even tougher. Here is a plan for managing anger that might work for you.

First, get some distance from the person you want to attack. Say something like, "I'm too angry to talk right now." Or, "I'm feeling out of control right now. I'll talk after I cool off some." And go into your room or somewhere else to get some space.

Step 2 is to do something to release some pressure from the part of you that feels like it's about to explode. The part that feels like a balloon that's blown up real tight. Something active and exerting usually helps, like hitting a punching bag or old mattress in the garage. Jumping rope, doing sit ups, jogging, or even taking a fast walk. Beware though, because if you are thinking how mad you are the whole time you are exercising, you won't drain the pressure. It's hard to do I know, but important to let go of the fury inside. The purpose of exercise is to help you let go.

After you have drained some of the intensity and out-of-control feelings from your anger, come back to talk. That's step 3. You'll probably still feel angry, just not out of control. One other word about step 3, though. It may be tempting after not feeling so intensely angry to say, "Oh, forget it"; and skip steps 3 and 4. But if you do that, the situation that caused your anger will not be resolved or even discussed, and will probably come up again. And believe me, next time you'll be even madder.

Step 4 is to talk and listen. Yes, I know it's hard. Listening does not mean always agreeing on every point, though. It does mean respecting your mom's feelings in the same way you want her to respect yours. And it works.

Here's one more important thing about those explosive, angry feelings. If they come back during the step 4 talking time, leave the room again. Say the same thing you said in step 1. That will help you know that you don't have to be terrified of your own anger. You can control yourself.

John: I like that, and I appreciate hearing a clear plan for handling anger. Let me summarize so I can be sure I've got it. Step 1 is to say I'm feeling out of control and that I need to leave the room. Step 2 is to go somewhere and do some kind of physical exercise until I feel in control of myself again.

Step 3 is to come back to talk, and step 4 is to talk and listen. I'm thinking it might work best if I tell my mom about the plan before we have the big blow up. Then she'll know why I'm being so different.

Ms. Lundy: I think that's a good idea, John. Otherwise, when you try to leave she might think you are not wanting to listen to her.

John: I have a friend whose parent is more out of control than he is in my opinion. Does it work with an out-of-control parent?

Ms. Lundy: If your friend's parent is physically abusive, like hitting or punching or slapping or beating him--no, it won't work. Also, if his parent is out of control with rage, it won't work. If that's what's happening, he needs to talk with his school counselor or maybe your pastor or minister of youth at church. The situation is too serious for your friend to handle by himself. And that's really a shame.

John: I don't think my mom is out of control. But sometimes when she's angry I'm not sure whether she's angry at me or my dad. She goes on and on about him and he's not even there.

Ms. Lundy: It sounds like you must be a little like your dad, John, in looks or maybe actions. And you are talking about a common problem after divorce. How you remind your mom of your dad is not something you can do much about. Your mom must have lots of anger and hurt stored up inside about your dad and the divorce.

John: That's right, and I wind up feeling the effects of it. What can I do about that? It's not fair.

Ms. Lundy: You are right, John, it's not fair. And I'm not sure that I can think of much that is fair when a divorce happens. It sounds like she needs to find someone besides you to talk with about her feelings.

John: Yeah. When she's critical about dad I get really mad. I don't think he's such a bad guy. But, if I say anything she just blows up. I hate that. Am I supposed to listen without saying anything?

Ms. Lundy: It's natural to feel really torn inside when she does that. You still care about your dad and feel loyal to him, and my guess is that you probably would feel guilty if you didn't defend him. You asked what you can do. Well, tell her what you are feeling in a nonblaming way. Like this: "Mom, I know you are mad at dad, but when you start telling me what he did to hurt you I just can't handle it. I feel really torn inside. Will you please talk to someone besides me about dad?"

John: That sure would be different from what I usually say. What about when she says I'm just like dad?

Ms. Lundy: How do you feel when she says that, John?

John: Well, really mad and sad, too. I feel as if she's not giving me a chance. I'm not dad, I'm me.

Ms. Lundy: Sure. And this is where you need to get clear in your own mind what you have actually done that triggered her anger. Your chances of getting her to listen to your feelings will be a lot greater if you are willing to listen to the part about what you've done.

John: You mean, when I left a plate and two glasses in the den last night?

Ms. Lundy: Yes. So what you can try as an experiment is to imagine how she felt about that and accept responsibility for your goof. If you say something like, "I know I left these in the den, and I hear that you think I don't care about the house when I do that. I'll work on putting the dishes back in the kitchen." Then she'll be a lot more inclined to hear you add something like, "But I'm not dad, mom. Please talk to someone else besides me about what you don't like about dad."

John: So, what you are telling me to do is to keep straight in my head what I've done. I need to let her know that I understand and that I'll do something about it. Then keep asking her to talk to someone else besides me about dad.

Ms. Lundy: Exactly. If she does find someone to talk to about her feelings, she'll probably get over the anger and the pain of her divorce faster. And hopefully, she will avoid the depression that sometimes goes along with divorce.

Sometimes parents are so full of grief they almost can't do what they need to do as parents--like being responsible for meals or paying bills or washing clothes. They end up coming home after work and going to bed.

Of course, we both know that most teenagers are capable of cooking meals and doing laundry. The hardest part about having a depressed parent is feeling lonely and abandoned, not having a parent who is willing to listen and be there for you, feeling like there's nobody who cares.

John: That sounds like what's happening with my friend Melanie. Her mom died, and she's really upset. She told me the other day that it feels like both of her parents have died.

Ms. Lundy: That's so painful. And I hope she'll keep talking to you, John, and find at least one adult to talk with, too. She really needs lots of support right now. It'll take time for her dad to pull out of his grief.

John: And, she needs to know we really care about her, especially when her father is having problems coping.

Ms. Lundy: Ask Melanie if she can talk to a friend of her dad's about encouraging him to go to counseling. Sometimes a close adult friend can convince a depressed person to get help.

John: I'm thinking about Bill, too. His parents have been divorced about six months, and his mom has started going out a lot--like nearly every night. Bill has to baby-sit his 10-year-old sister when his mom's out, and really resents it.

Ms. Lundy: Bill probably feels powerless to stop what his mom is doing. And I think I would probably feel very angry, too. If Bill is open to any ideas from you, suggest to him that he might try every way he can think of to let his mom know how her actions are affecting the family. Any way he can think of to say things like, "Mom, we miss you when you are gone so much. We need you. We love you." One warning though: If he gets into blaming and accusing her, his notes or anything else he tries probably won't help.

John: Why is it so important not to blame or accuse?

Ms. Lundy: Oftentimes, parents and kids sort of train each other how to relate by how they treat each other. For example, if I were your mother and I wanted you to respect me, I'd be most likely to get that respect if I respect you and treat you like the valuable and worthwhile person you are.

Teenagers don't often think about how their way of talking to parents influences the way parents talk to them. Either positively or negatively, parents and teenagers have a choice to break the cycle of insult and hurtful remarks. If I were talking to parents, I'd say the same thing to them. Dare to be the first one to start giving what you'd like to receive.

John: That reminds me a lot of the Golden Rule that Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount.

Ms. Lundy: You bet. The Bible also tells us to speak the truth in love. "I" statements with respect for the other person do just that. I really believe it works.

Let's get back to Bill's situation. His mom's going out every night may be a way to make the feelings go away--the hurt or the anger or the pain of feeling unloved and unlovable. Drinking does that, too. It makes the feelings numb. Unfortunately, some parents choose self-destructive ways to try to cope, just like teenagers do sometimes.

You didn't say that Bill's mom is doing any drinking, and I hope she's not. But I'd like to take this chance to say something about help that is available for teenagers whose parents' drinking is out of control. There's a nationwide organization called Alateen especially for that purpose. Teenagers can go to meetings that are free, and they can learn how to protect themselves and how best to deal with the drinking or alcoholic parents.

Except for a parent who is physically and verbally abusive, I can't think of anything harder and more stressful than having a parent who is abusing alcohol or drugs. Every teenager in that situation needs to find some other adult to talk to.

John: How can we find out if there's an Alateen group here in our town?

Ms. Lundy: Well, you could look up Alcoholics Anonymous--AA in the phone book--and call them. The AA people will know when and where Alateen meets. Even some small towns have AA and Alateen chapters. But, if your town doesn't, sometimes a larger town nearby might. One of the most important things teenagers can do if their parents' drinking or drug abuse is out of control is to go to Alateen for support. And by "out of control," I mean if the drinking is hurting the family relationships.

John: That's good to know. I'd like to ask you, What can we do when our parents date somebody we really don't like? My mom has recently started dating one particular man. I don't like him at all, and I'd really like to be rude to him.

Ms. Lundy: Let me suggest something to think about here. Let's say the tables are turned and you are dating someone that your mom doesn't like. I'm guessing you'd be angry and hurt and even embarrassed if she were rude or disrespectful to your friend.

John: Right. I like for her to trust my judgment and respect my right to chose my own friends. I want her to treat them OK when they are around.

Ms. Lundy: My guess is that your mom feels like that, too. I want to say this, though. You are entitled to your opinion. And here I go back to those "I" statements. A non-accusing, non-put-down way to say what you are thinking and feeling is really helpful. Like, "Mom, I realize you have a right to date whomever you want, but I want to tell you that I don't like the person you're dating very much." Then tell her why if she's open to hearing.

Ms. Lundy: There are several issues involved here for anyone whose parents are divorced. There is usually a hope, sometimes a secret hope, that someday mom and dad will get back together. It would be natural for a teenager not to like someone his mom or dad is dating, even if he or she were an ideal person. And the wish to control is part of the problem. Your mom's choices would affect you a lot if she were to marry this man.

John: I just have two more years before I graduate and then I'll be leaving.

Ms. Lundy: That's a good point. Your life will move in a different direction before long. You are making more and more of your own choices now. You'll make some mistakes; everybody does. Hopefully none that seriously hurt you or someone else.

Your mom has to make her own choices, too. Just tell her what you think and how you feel, and hopefully your input will be a part of her decision. Can you think of any other issues you and your friends have talked about?

John: One other thing my friends and I have all talked about is the idea of going to live with our other parent. We've all thought of it at least once, and one of my friends may actually go live with his dad.

Ms. Lundy: In some cases such a move may be best for everyone concerned. But think through the decision very carefully. What do you want to move away from? What do you think will be better with the other parent?

Being honest and realistic about what life would be like with the other parent is really hard to do, but also really important to think about.

The stresses and challenges of relating to a single parent are tremendous, and can be overwhelming sometimes. Under the best of circumstances teenagers need someone to talk to. If you have a parent who is drinking a lot or being physically abusive or who is yelling and belittling you, talk to an adult you trust about what to do. Don't try to hold it inside. No one deserves to be treated like that, but it is easy to think that you do.

You are valuable and worthwhile, and a trustworthy adult can help you begin to believe that.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.