24 Hour Counselor: I Can't Relate to My Stepparent

Hi, I'm John.

And, I'm Terri.

John: We both have stepparents. And probably like you, we sometimes have problems relating to them. I recently read that remarried and blended families may be the predominant type of household in the near future.

Terri: A lot of my friends live with a stepmother or stepfather.

John: How are they getting along?

Terri: Well, some are doing OK. But others aren't doing so well. That's why you and I are here with Dr. Jerry Pounds. Dr. Pounds is a licensed counselor who has helped a number of teenagers struggling with this same problem.

John: It may be a good idea to begin by defining what a stepparent is.

Dr. Pounds: Well, John, the word stepparent originally meant a new person in a household who joined the family to replace a parent who had died. The term now has a larger meaning. If the stepparent is to replace a living parent, such as in a divorce, he or she actually becomes an added parent.

Dr. Pounds: And sometimes stepparents will bring their own children into the new family, creating a blended family. This doesn't have to create a lot of tension. But many times it does,  because you are blending two families' rules, values, and do's and don'ts. You may even have a strong resentfulness or competitiveness between the newly blended siblings.

Terri: A lot of times you hear more negative comments about stepparents than positive.

Dr. Pounds: There's been a lot of different stories about stepparents. Sometimes they are true, but not all the time. Sometimes it's just difficult relating to a stepparent.

Terri: Dr. Pounds, does it make a difference when the stepparent comes into the family? I mean, is it different if the child is younger compared to when he or she is a teenager?

Dr. Pounds: Oh, it does make a difference. If a stepparent enters a family when the child is young, there is a greater opportunity for a good bond to be formed. When the child is a teenager, he or she may experience more anger and rejection toward the stepparent.

John: What are some of the problems between a stepparent and a stepchild?

Dr. Pounds: The top of the list includes discipline, resentment, and jealousy. Many stepchildren feel a loss of security. When a teenager shares a parent with a stepparent, he may feel threatened, jealous, or even overpowered. This question is often asked: "How do I fit into my family now?"

John: Why would he feel threatened?

Dr. Pounds: A teenager may have become his parent's best friend or confidante. He may resent another person coming into the family to fill these relationship needs. This can create feelings of anger, and the teen may vent this anger toward the stepparent.

On more than one occasion I've had a teenager tell me, "Now he thinks he's my father, and he tries to tell me what to do--to boss me around." Or, a 17-year-old girl who said, "I don't have to listen to him. He's my mother's husband, but he's not my father. He can't tell me what to do."

Terri: Could the teenager also blame the stepparent for the divorce of the parents?

Dr. Pounds: That could be a normal reaction. The grief and trauma experienced because of a divorce is added to the feeling that someone is taking the place of the parent. If the teenager gets too close to the stepparent, he may feel that he is a traitor to his natural parent.

John: What are the results of these feelings?

Dr. Pounds: Well, the teenager will begin to feel disjointed, out of place with the family structure. There is an identify problem that takes place, not only for the teenager, but for the whole family.

Terri: Are there any special concerns for a stepmother or a stepfather?

Dr. Pounds: Well, many stepmothers may not be happy with their new role as mother. Stepmothers frequently spend more time in child rearing than a stepfather. Rearing another woman's child could create resentment. In addition, the stepmother may be younger than the father. And the teenager might resent this fact as well.

John: What about the stepfather?

Dr. Pounds: Well, a stepfather on many occasions moves into the house of this spouse, the teenager's mother. He may be seen as or even feel like an intruder. The stepfather may feel like a stranger who does not belong in the house. I remember counseling a stepfamily where the stepfather told his wife and two daughters, "This is not my house and I feel like I'm trying to find my place." Some stepfathers feel guilt because they are giving more fatherly attention to their stepchildren than to their own children.

Terri: So, actually everyone in the family may feel a loss of security. What's another problem area?

Dr. Pounds: The next problem is difficulty with trust. For example, a divorce could weaken the teenager's trust in his parents. The teenager may already feel abandoned by a parent. He may feel that this is the pattern a stepparent will follow as well.

John: I have some friends who feel like they are treated as property. For six months they live with one parent, and then with another parent the other six months.

Dr. Pounds: They may feel that neither parent really wants them. Their lack of trust with both parents may be suffering.

Remember, this is also a difficult time for stepparents. Sometimes they don't know how to reach a solution to the problem. They question whether to remain on the outside of the situation or to get more involved. They really do need help to find a middle ground.

Terri: Another complaint that I've heard is when the stepparent introduces the stepchild as his son or daughter.

John: Yeah, some of my friends feel that by acknowledging a relationship with a stepparent, they are losing their relationship with their natural parent.

Dr. Pounds: That leads us into a third problem area. Let's call this a reaction to change. There are too many changes all at once.

Let me ask you both a question. You guys are pretty good friends, right?

John: Yeah.

Terri: Yes.

Dr. Pounds: How would you react if you were told that you were going to be put together in a family?

Terri: Well, that probably wouldn't be too bad.

Dr. Pounds: All right. What if you really didn't know each other well?

Terri: That might be different.

Dr. Pounds: Would it cause some problems?

John: Yeah, probably so.

Dr. Pounds: You see, each person comes into a new relationship with preexisting problems, values, roles, standards, and just different ways of dealing with things. For some teenagers it may be difficult to switch to a new set of rules and expectations. There is a need to reorder the family structure, to redefine the family rules and goals.

John: I think teenagers sometimes believe they have to give up a relationship in order to accept their new stepparent. They don't do they?

Dr. Pounds: Not at all. In fact, they are being asked to make room for another parent. Let me explain. When my wife and I got the word that we were going to have our second child I thought to myself, Where am I going to get the extra love to love this new baby? You see, I love our firstborn so much that I thought I would have to borrow some of my love from her in order to give it to my second child. I quickly learned that I still had plenty of love for both without taking love from another. My capacity to love actually grew. Isn't that the same way a teenager could respond to a stepparent?

Terri: You are right. There's plenty of love for a parent. It can be the same for your stepparent.

Dr. Pounds: You don't have to change from loving one parent to loving another. Each can have a special and unique place in your life. All teenagers have a need for stability. Remember, you are going through many other changes in your life as well as the changes taking place in your own family.

Terri: Dr. Pounds, what about some practical help for a teenager who is having real difficulty relating to his stepparent?

Dr. Pounds: Well, let me first say that in some cases it may take two to four years to adjust to a stepparent. For many, it may not take nearly this long. Realize that you and your stepparent need time to adjust to and accept one another. The key is to be patient and remember many of the things we've already talked about.

Choose to believe that things will eventually go smoothly. It really does take time, tolerance, and understanding as the entire family redefines their roles. Remember that a lot of what you are going through now can be characterized as major changes. There are physical, mental, social, and spiritual changes along with the stepfamily issues.

John: I think sometimes we as teenagers feel our parents are responsibile for making everything right, that we are not responsible.

Dr. Pounds: Good point, John. You need to realize that you are responsible for your actions and reactions to your stepparent. Take some responsibility in this area of your life. Initiate some positive steps toward strengthening your relationship.

Terri: Sometimes we don't really see what's happening in other areas of our parents' lives. We just assume they've got their lives together.

Dr. Pounds: You know, I do believe that a lot of teenagers think that all is well with their parents. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. They have their problems, too. Try to see things from their perspective. Ask yourself this question: "How are they feeling about the new family situation?" Try to put yourself in their shoes.

John: I know in my own family we don't always agree on things.

Dr. Pounds: No family agrees with each other all the time. That's why it's important to try to understand the differences between one another. When was the last time you shared your thoughts with your parent or stepparent? Do you feel open to express a different point of view with each other? Do you negotiate when you disagree? Do you feel that you can approach each other?

I think some teenagers have difficulty relating to a stepparent because of the loss of their natural parent. A teen may need to talk to a trusted adult about the loss. Grieving is important and necessary when you experience a loss.

Terri: Do you think some stepparents and their stepchildren may not be spending time together as they should?

Dr. Pounds: I see this as a problem in a lot of families. For the teenager, let me suggest again that you take the initiative. Take a step toward your stepparent. Initiate the idea of spending some one-on-one time together. Also, get in the habit of eating meals with your family. And while you are together--try talking.

My wife taught me the value of talking during meals. I thought we were suppose to eat at meals. But, my wife helped me see the valuable opportunity to talk. Now at mealtime we share the experiences of our day.

Terri: Communication really is important, isn't it?

Dr. Pounds: It's a must. In fact, we always communicate something whether we talk or not. You may be sitting back waiting for your stepparent to initiate a conversation with you, and he or she may be waiting for the same thing. The next time you've got a moment with your stepparent, ask how things are going at work or at home. Use the opportunity to open some discussion.

Dr. Pounds: If the stepparent says, "Fine," don't buy that as the answer. Follow up the response with a statement like, "No, I really want to hear about your day."

John: And this may break the ice for them.

Dr. Pounds: It certainly may. Good communication skills involve trying to listen to what the other person is saying. Look into his eyes. Let him know that you are interested in what he is saying. This also shows respect. If you want your stepparent to respect you, then show respect for him.

Terri: What about the stepparent who really may be unapproachable or unresponsive? What could a teenager do in this case?

Dr. Pounds: First, realize that he may feel extremely uncomfortable in his new role as stepparent. He may not know how to respond to you. This may be his first opportunity to be a parent, and all of a sudden he is the parent of a teenager. Can you imagine that shock?

Terri: Yeah, it would be a shock, wouldn't it?

Dr. Pounds: It certainly would. If that's the case, try putting your thoughts down on paper and leaving a note. Many times we can communicate better by writing than by talking.

John: What if you have a major problem with your stepparent? How would you go about working on the conflict?

Dr. Pounds: First of all, remember that your relationship is more important than any problem. And keep this in mind. The next step is to be open-minded. Try to put yourself in his place. Resist the attitude that you are always right. If you need to set a time to talk face-to-face with your stepparent, you may find it helpful to take a walk with him or find a quiet place away from the house.

The third step is to state your problem. Try to keep from pointing blame by saying "you." Begin your sentences by saying, "I feel" or "I think." "You" messages can be interpreted as attacking, and usually only lead to an argument.

Terri: And sometimes when we argue we lose our focus on the real problem. Before long we forget about the situation we were talking about in the first place.

Dr. Pounds: And, it's easy to drift from topic to topic. That's why it's important to stay on one subject at a time. Also, avoid raising your voice. When we begin to speak loudly, we can get into a win/lose situation. When that happens, the person who feels he has won is the person who yelled the loudest.

John: What should you do after stating the problem?

Dr. Pounds: Next, get a response or a reaction from your stepparent. Work at listening to what he is saying. You may need to take some time to reflect. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to change your own opinion about the problem. Flexibility is important. Try not to approach the problem with a rigid attitude--bent on getting your way no matter what happens.

Allow time to negotiate the decision. There needs to be some reasonable give-and-take on both sides. After this is done, then both persons should decide on a plan of action. Working through problems will take some time, but this is necessary in order for growth to take place between you and your stepparent.

John: Let me summarize everything you have told us. First, remember that your relationship is more important than any problem.

Next, be open-minded. Set a specific appointment to talk. I think what you mean here is to talk face-to-face with the stepparent somewhere, either at home, outside, or another quiet place where you can talk without interruption. State the problem; then get his response to what you've said and think. Negotiate the decision and then decide on a plan to take.

Dr. Pounds: John, that was very good. Let me try to close with a summary statement. There are some very key ingredients in the making of a well-adjusted and happy blended family. If you are a stepchild, take positive steps and take the initiative to improve your situation. You will probably find your stepparent encouraged to do the same.

Remember that it takes prayer, time, love, understanding, and communication to help you better relate to your stepparent. Prayer, time, love, understanding, and communication.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.