24 Hour Counselor: I Hate How I Look

Dr. Jerry Pounds, a professor and counselor, is talking with John and JoAnn about a subject many teenagers have experienced.

JoAnn: I think most teenagers have worried about their looks. They don't like their hair; it's the wrong color, or texture, or something.

John: Others think their nose is too big or too little. And who doesn't have to deal with that skin problem right in the middle of your face for the whole world to see!

Dr. Pounds: You're both sounding like every teenager I know, and even the way I was when I was a teenager.

John: Don't you think most teenagers are not really happy with some part of their body? I mean, even the best-looking friends I know have some worries about the way they look.

JoAnn: I think I can speak for myself and for most every other teenager when I say we spend a lot of time in front of our mirror checking and rechecking ourselves.

Dr. Pounds: I've brought a few quotes from teenagers that will be helpful to read. See if you've ever felt this way before:

• I'm six feet tall and I tower over all my friends. It makes me feel kind of self-conscious.
• I wonder if something is wrong with me.
• I wonder about my looks and I'm not happy.
• I worry about my weight. I feel like everyone looks better than me.
• I hate my weight and what I look like.
• I don't like my upper body structure, it's small for my age. I'm having problems with my inability to gain weight.

John: The way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves--don't we get that from society?

Dr. Pounds: Absolutely. Society plays a major role in giving us messages about how we should behave and look. Think about our role models on television, at the movies, in sports, and in the music world. One obvious fact is that we receive a large number of negative messages from these role models.

Not all teenagers are affected the same way by the same messages. In other words, every teenager has filters that protect him or her from certain messages.

John: Filters? What are some of these filters?

Dr. Pounds: Well, your parents, church, teachers, friends, and even your own life experiences.

JoAnn: You mean our value system, what we think is right or wrong.

Dr. Pounds: That's right. You can filter these messages through the standards you've already set for yourself.

John: Filters also help us in working through other messages we get, like how our society tells us we should look and even how to dress.

Dr. Pounds: Actually, teenagers are less likely to develop filters for materialistic messages than for, let's say, violence. In other words, your filters will help you sort out your feelings when you see an act of violence. But they may not be as clear when someone on television says you need to look this way or dress that way in order to be popular--to get all the girls or guys you want or even to feel good about yourself. These messages can easily mold your style.

JoAnn: I can see how television presents the ideal woman who is someone who is slim and shapely.

Dr. Pounds: In our society, physical beauty is highly valued. You are constantly bombarded in magazines and on the screen with false pictures of the perfect body. I like to call this the Barbie Doll mentality. You get the message that every girl should look like Barbie and every guy should look like Ken. How many Barbies and Kens do you know?

JoAnn: Very few, if any!

Dr. Pounds: It's important to be aware of these messages our society gives you. Notice the advertisements, commercials, billboard pictures, and magazine covers, and see how subtle and persuasive these messages are. The problem is, we tend to evaluate ourselves with these perfect standards. And none of us can measure up to them.

John: And when we realize we can't measure up to them, we feel badly about ourselves. We think something must be wrong with us.

JoAnn: I know when I'm watching a movie or a commercial and I see some girl in a real neat outfit, I feel cheated because I don't have an outfit like that to wear.

John: Or, when I see this really great car and I think about the car that I'm driving.

Dr. Pounds: JoAnn, you mentioned the time teenagers spend checking and rechecking themselves in the mirror. Well, when you look into the mirror you are actually looking through a two-way mirror.

First, there is an impression you have of yourself, and then one that others have of you. You may be accepted by certain people based on how a particular person or group sees you. Most teenagers would agree that if you look good and have a nice body, you'll be popular with certain groups. And you will generally feel good about yourself.

JoAnn: What you're saying is that if I look good then I will also feel good. And if I look terrible, then I'll feel terrible.

Dr. Pounds: It's not so much how you look, but how you feel about how you look. Your self-esteem--how you feel about yourself and your self-satisfaction--is closely related to accepting your body and being satisfied with your body. So your self-esteem and self-confidence are closely linked to your being satisfied with your physical appearance.

JoAnn: It's been said a lot that beauty is only skin deep, but I'm not sure if we as teenagers really believe that. I know that there is an inward beauty that makes a person beautiful, but we tend to concentrate a great deal on what we look like.

Dr. Pounds: Your feelings about your looks can affect your self-esteem. So it's easy to see how many teenagers, because they don't like how they look, can develop poor self-esteem. When you're feeling badly about yourself, you are more likely to worry and feel negative toward your body. Remember that two-way mirror.

John: You mean what we see and what others see?

Dr. Pounds: Right. Whether or not you consider yourself attractive may depend more on what you think others think about you. In other words, you get impressions from your parents and other family members, and you feel a certain way based on what they think about you.

Your friends probably affect you more than you think they do. And more than anyone else. If they think you look good, then you think, I must look good. They become your authority figures when it comes to your appearance.

John: Do most teenagers think this way about themselves?

Dr. Pounds: Yes. Sometimes teenagers are said to have an imaginary audience. They often self-consciously believe the whole world is looking at them.

JoAnn: I feel that way sometimes.

Dr. Pounds: Most teenagers do. Teenagers dress and look a certain way in order to be noticed by and admired by those in their audience.

JoAnn: But, if everybody is on center stage worrying about themselves, then there really isn't an audience.

Dr. Pounds: You're exactly right. But it's hard for teenagers to believe that.

John: Dr. Pounds, this all makes a lot of sense. I catch myself wondering what other people are thinking about when they see me. But you know, this whole thing about our physical development creates all sorts of problems and awkward feelings.

Dr. Pounds: That's true for everybody. I think it's important to realize that your body is going through a lot of changes. When you look at yourself in the mirror today, you may see something that was not there last week.

Your physical growth can complicate things. You may look like an adult but still feel not completely mature. Many changes are taking place in your life right now.

John: That's all a part of puberty, right?

Dr. Pounds: That's right. Puberty is not a sudden, simple event; but a complex, gradual process. In a nutshell, puberty brings about two outcomes. First, there is a growth spurt causing you to become more of an adult, both sexually and physically. Second, the major sex differences between males and females are established. There is also a dramatic increase in the levels of hormones. These rising levels affect your emotions. It's kind of like being on an emotional roller-coaster. Happy one moment and down the next.

John: I think a lot of times we don't like the way we look because we don't understand the changes our bodies are going through.

JoAnn: And what makes it worse is that we tend to compare our bodies with others. I know a lot of girls who place a great deal of attention on their breast development. They are either too small or too large. Also, some girls think they're too tall or getting too fat.

Dr. Pounds: At one time or another most teenagers want either to gain weight or lose weight in order to look more attractive. Parents argue with you about your diet and eating habits, and that may bring about additional parental conflict.

JoAnn: This goes back to how we think we ought to look based on how others look.

Dr. Pounds: Right. Obsessive concerns about being slender have led many teenage girls to be on dangerous diets. Anorexia or bulimia are serious eating disorders with tragic results. Eating too few calories a day, vomiting after eating, or compulsively exercising can literally kill you. It's hard to be sexy when you're dead. John, what would you say are some issues for boys?

John: Well, I would say worrying about whether or not we'll ever grow. When we do grow, feeling uncoordinated.

Dr. Pounds: This can create moments of clumsiness, right?

John: Oh yeah, it sure can.

Dr. Pounds: Combine all of this with comparing yourself to other guys and it can create problems. I also think a lot of guys are compulsive about building their muscle mass to look well-built. Some are combining body building with unsafe dieting and even steroids and other dangerous drugs.

John: What about teenagers who are early or late in their physical development?

JoAnn: I have a feeling a lot of teenagers don't like how they look because they have physically developed too early or too late.

Dr. Pounds: Well, the timing of puberty can make a difference in how you feel about yourself. I know that not looking like everyone else can create stress. Adults may put pressure on you to act a certain way--a more mature way--simply because you physically look like you can handle any situation or problem. This can create unnecessary pressures.

A girl who is taller or heavier than her friends may feel more negative thoughts than a boy would feel. It's no fun for a girl to be taller than all the guys.

John: What about the guy?

Dr. Pounds: A late-maturing boy may be teased and may be the last one chosen for a game. After a while, the boy begins to resent the fact that he is smaller than other guys. Early maturing boys may feel an edge in sports and even dating. However, their physical status may create expectations that they are more mature, and could possibly cause them problems in living up to these expectations.

A teenager who matures early is thrown into an adult world, while one who matures late may feel caught in a child's world. In any case, there may be both positive and negative reactions to maturing early or late.

JoAnn: Dr. Pounds, can you share some helpful ideas for teenagers who don't really like how they look?

Dr. Pounds: First, teenagers should ask the question, "What can I do to change the way I look?" Obviously there may be things about the way you look that you cannot change. Your height or nose size are yours and yours to accept. You may have heard this prayer before. It's called the Serenity Prayer and reads: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

If you're serious about improving the way you look, talk to a trusted friend. Listen to him and be open to his suggestions.

John: You know, it may be something simple that could help a friend accept how he looks.

JoAnn: Maybe some advice, like make sure your clothes are neat and not wrinkled and that you are well groomed. These two simple actions can make a world of difference in how you look, as well as how you feel about yourself.

Dr. Pounds: Good. Again, remember that your body is changing.

JoAnn: Well what about some nutritional concerns like eating properly?

Dr. Pounds: Another good idea. Notice the quality of the food you eat. Snacking between meals, eating on the run, and poor dieting can be dangerous. Healthy eating habits such as eating fruits and vegetables, not skipping breakfast, eating boiled, broiled, or baked food instead of fried food are habits worth developing now. These nutritional habits will follow into your adult years and pay off in many lasting ways down the road.

You may want to talk with your parents about seeking professional help. A doctor can work with you in developing a good diet or a treatment for skin problems. If your appearance is causing you lots of emotional pain, consider talking with a school or community counselor or minister at your church.

John: Worrying about how you look really doesn't help, does it?

Dr. Pounds: That's right. Jesus gave good advice in Matthew 6:25 when He said, " 'This is why I tell you: Don't worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn't life more than food and the body more than clothing?' " (HCSB).¹

JoAnn: God really does want the best for us. We are His creations.

Dr. Pounds: And God thinks He did a good job with what He created. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them" (KJV). And then later in verse 31, "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good" (KJV). We need to remember that our body is the Lord's. First Corinthians 6:19-20 reads, "Do you not know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought at a great price; therefore glorify God in your body" (HCSB).

Dr. Pounds: JoAnn and John, thank you both for guiding our talk. God really has created us for a purpose, and the way we look fits into this plan. We all need to accept ourselves as God accepts us--with all of our bumps and bruises.

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¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.