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Dealing with Difficult People
No part of the church is immune from having to deal with difficult people and no one is confronted by them more often than the administrative assistant or church secretary. Most times you are the first to answer the telephone. Your desk is the first to which most people will come before they reach other staff persons. Not only are you confronted by church members and the public, you often find yourself caught between other staff members.
Who Are These Difficult People?
Many of those who make it difficult for all of us are hurting people who privately carry a large cluster of stressful experiences which cause great anxiety. This may not be true of all difficult people, but it is in the group to which this article is focused.
You will often find them reaching out for someone to whom they can share their hurt and pain. You are probably not the first. Their cry of help often goes unheard. Many times their behavior is not understood.
When this cry for help is unheard, it is intensified into anger. Their personal pain may have become so heavy that there seems to be no other way to getting your attention. It is like the person is saying, "Somebody look at me. Somebody listen to me. Is there someone who can feel my pain and my hurt? Is there someone who cares?"
Listening: The Bridge of Communication
When you are approached by a difficult person, one thing you cannot do is not communicate. It is not a question of whether you want to communicate: it is a matter of what you communicate. Communication is 7 percent verbal, 38 percent tonal, and 55 percent body language. Even though we may not speak, our body language will communicate volumes. In this very stressful moment, what have you communicated with this person who has approached you?
You thought you communicated simply and clearly, only to discover that you were misunderstood. What happened? Let me illustrate what I think happened:
You and I are having a conversation. I speak to you. I send you a message. This message is packaged with my words, tone of voice, and body language. It is filtered through my thoughts, my attitudes, your feelings and your inferences. It is at this point that you infer what I intend. The meaning you infer may not be at all what I intend.
Think back to the person who has approached you with a story to tell. Your perception of the message sent to you may not be what the person intended. It may have been intended as a cry for help. Listening to not only the words communicated but taking note of the tone and body language will help your understanding and bridge the communication gap.
Building an Effective Bridge of Communication
Since communication is essential when dealing with difficult people, it is important to develop our communication skills. Our intentions are so often misunderstood. Bridging the gap between the intentions of the speaker and the inferences of the hearer can be learned.
- A desire to understand the other person is basic to effective communication. Desire is the answer to the question: What do I want? Do I really want to reach out and share the pain and hurt of a person who is crying out for help?
- An appreciation of differences enables us to look at others and not expect to see them as an exact image of ourselves. Paul wrote: "Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us" (Rom. 12:4-6).
- An accepting spirit will enhance our ability to communicate with difficult people. Accepting another does not require that he accepts your point of view; neither does it require that you accept his. It is accepting differences and seeking to understand them.
- Confronting differences, expectations, or points of view of others is not easy for many people. Avoiding them, on the other hand, can create deeper and more prolonged negative feelings and misunderstandings. If you do not express your feelings directly, you will express them indirectly in your behavior which can be much more damaging to relationships.
- Ask questions unemotionally. Most of the time difficult people's criticism is general at first. For example he may say, "Many people are saying . . . ." The use of creative questions, called negative inquiry, encourages your critics to constructively criticize you in specifics. For example, ask: "Who specifically are say?" Ask questions like these unemotionally. You will bring your critic to a place where he has nothing left to do except give a description of your behavior. At that point you have something specific to discuss.
- Use fogging. Fogging is a skill by which you agree with only that which is true and at the same time defuse the criticism. It acts like a fog bank when it is hit and only absorbs the blow. You are only agreeing with the truth of the statement. For example, the person may say: "You don't do a very good job with the weekly mail out." Fog: "You are right. There is room for improvement."
- Take care of yourself. You are in a stressful position. The reaction to stress is one of fight or flight. There are times fight is the appropriate response, but probably not in the church office.
You may find it helpful to just take a "minute flight" to a place of relaxation. Stand up and do some deep abdominal breathing. Stretch your hands upward and put a silly grin on your face. (You can't be depressed in that position.) You may wish just to get comfortable in your chair. Close your eyes and revisit your most relaxing experience. Now go back to work.
There will always be difficult people with whom we have to deal regularly. It is our choice as to how we are going to react to how they treat us.
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