Can You Love Her Like That?

Written by Dale Forehand

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

I remember the first time I knew I was in love with Jena. We’d been seeing each other for a few months. I’d planned a Saturday picnic to a beautiful spot in the country. As we walked hand in hand up that mountain, carrying our basket of sandwiches and enjoying the great outdoors, I realized how blessed I was to be with Jena. She was beautiful, inside and out. She was fun and funny all at the same time. She could sing like an angel; she had great faith in the Lord. We laughed, took pictures, and talked. And then it happened. As I watched Jena gaze in awe at the beautiful valley below, I knew, right then and there, that she was the one for me.

As I reflect on those memories, I wonder why love fades so easily, so quickly. What happens to the passion, romance, and sheer joy of just being together? Countless couples lose their connective spark; Jena and I certainly did. We’ve been together for more than 20 years. But it hasn’t always been warm and fuzzy. In fact, we divorced each other. Yet God, through His mercy and grace, put our marriage back together.

I’ve learned you simply cannot neglect the love of your life. I’ve experienced the hard way that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I’ve also learned it takes dedication, diligence, and determination to nourish a marriage. Marriage is a lifelong commitment to continually love each other deeply from the heart, even when you don’t feel like loving (1 Pet. 1:22). But with Christ’s strength, all things are possible (Phil. 4:13).

My desire is for every man who reads this article to refocus attention on his marriage. To cultivate a marriage that’s thriving. A marriage filled with authentic intimacy and excitement. A marriage brimming with power and purpose.

In 1995, the musical group All-4-One recorded a song titled, “I Can Love You Like That.” It challenges husbands to love with abandon and to do whatever it takes to prove the magnitude of this love. In keeping with that song, can you love your wife like that? 

Let Your Actions Lead Your Love
Yes, actions do speak louder than words. Yet we live in such a feelings-driven world. We think that if it doesn’t feel like love, it must not be love. If I don’t feel love, then I don’t have to demonstrate love. I’ve talked to many couples who have emotionally checked out of their marriages, adopting the mentality: “this is as good as it gets, so I might as well stop trying and just suffer through for the kids.”

Absolutely not! You have to fight through your lack of feelings and demonstrate love. The statement “I shouldn’t have to prove my love” is incorrect. God demonstrated His love for us (Rom. 5:8); we need to follow His example and consciously and deliberately demonstrate love to each other. I know this works because I’ve tried it.

The question Jena and I get asked most often is: “How in the world, after all you did to each other, did you get the love to come back?” The answer is simple: We started acting like we loved each other and the feelings followed. John the disciple reminds us: “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18).

LOVE HER In Her Own World
One of the most loving things I can do for Jena is to understand where she is emotionally, spiritually, physically — to sincerely care about what’s important to her. As her intimate ally, I must know her dreams and desires. Not only that, I also have to understand what she’s dealing with as a mother, a wife, and an individual.

I can be a great lover to Jena when I become a good keeper and defender of her heart. I can’t do this unless I love her in her own world. The most passionate periods in our marriage occur when I communicate to Jena that I know where she is, defend her in that world, and allow her to rest in the assurance and safety of my love.

LOVE HER Soul Before You Love Her Body
Any guy can make love to a woman’s body, but it takes a real man to make love to her soul. Understand that women are soul-driven. Your wife has a deep desire for you to connect with her heart and soul. She wants you to enter into a real, engaging relationship with her. She wants you to be open, honest, and transparent. She wants to see vulnerability. Vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re weak. On the contrary, it proves you’re strong. Only a strong man can open up his life without fear. It takes a strong man to let his wife become a part of his life.

To do this, you have to ditch the nobility lie; the lie that says, I can’t share my life with my wife because I don’t want to burden her with my stress and daily pressures. In this form of false nobility, you think you’re saving her from the pain of your everyday circumstances. The truth is, you’re starving her from a soul connection. Many times, when you don’t let her into your life, you don’t go into hers either. It can be dangerous and damaging to communicate a sense of indifference.

LOVE HER With the Word of God
One of the most intimidating areas of marriage may be talking about the things of God. Years ago I adopted the thinking that this was to be a private area, never to be shared. I also adopted the notion that I didn’t have anything to offer Jena in this area. Today I know both of these assumptions are false.

Your wife doesn’t care how eloquently you can pray; she just wants to share a prayer life with you. Your wife doesn’t care how many verses you’ve memorized; she just wants to be in the Word with you. Make this happen by falling in love with the Word of God yourself. The more you fall in love with God’s Word and make it a priority in your life, the more it will become a priority in your marriage. The prophet Jeremiah spoke of this when he wrote, “When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight.” (Jer. 15:16). And when you do this, you will fulfill the challenge of Ephesians 5:25-26: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Love your wife like that.

Dale Forehand and his wife, Jena, are founders of Stained Glass Ministries. Visit their Web site at www.stainedglassministry.com.

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