5 Times You’re Right to Remain Silent

Written by Dan Ewald

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

When I was a kid, a “Little House on the Prairie” episode really got under my skin. Pa was telling half-pint Laura that “children are to be seen and not heard.” This illogic really ruffled my 8-year-old feathers. Why, then, were we born with vocal cords? Miffed, I sent a petition around grade school. Nothing came of it.

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Now, as a single adult with no children, I couldn’t agree more. Kids are loud, and I’d just like to eat my cobb salad in peace. (Then again, perhaps I should stop eating at all-you-can-eat buffets.)

But half-pints aren’t the only ones with obnoxious mouths, of course. How often do I find myself chatting it up with someone, enjoying all too well the sound of my own voice? How many times have I gone on about how a friend “lost sooo much weight” only to realize I’m insulting her former size? How regularly do I think I’m a fascinating conversationalist when what I’m sharing is really big fat gossip?

Do you run your mouth too? Here are five key times it’s a good idea to shut the ol’ claptrap:

1. When you’re about to gossip. Face it: Every work environment has an office gossip. Let’s call her “Amber.” Actually, let’s not feed stereotypes. Men are just as quick to trash-talk. We’ll call him “Kyle.”

Amber uses the three minutes it takes her Lean Cuisine entrée to defrost to tell Kyle how Trina “may be pregnant” and “she’s not sure who the father is.” Kyle loves this tidbit because it’s juicy, even if it isn’t true. The twosome should learn to shut it.

“The Apostle Paul warns about the destructive power of gossip and the condition that comes to those who say ‘things they ought not to’ say,” says Les Parrott of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University, citing 1 Timothy 5:13. “Gossip may seem harmless, but it’s not. It can not only be intrusive and deceitful, it can be downright vicious. Gossip chips away at a person’s character.”

2. When tempers flare. “I’ve learned a good time to be silent is when I’m in the middle of a heated disagreement,” says Bil Carpenter, a music journalist living in Washington, D.C. “Some arguments aren’t worth arguing when it’s simply to make sure I come out the winner. It appears I have won, but what I’ve really done is crushed someone else’s spirit for the sake of pride. In times like those, I prefer to make my points; and if they aren’t accepted, I close my mouth until a more constructive dialogue can take place.”

The Bible supports the idea: “A gentle answer turns away anger” (Proverbs 15:1). So does 19th-century humorist Josh Billings: “Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.”

Next time you start to lose your cool, stop and go to your “happy place.” Visualize a relaxing scene, such as a sunset. Or a beach. Or a puppy. Or a puppy playing in the surf while the sun goes down. Whatever works.

3. Before you leak sensitive information. Ever been on “The Tonight Show” and found yourself sharing sensitive information? Comedian Victoria Jackson has. She was amusing Jay Leno with a story about her husband Paul’s police job, telling how Miami cops were spying on a certain trailer to catch drug dealers. “I realized I was telling too much at the commercial break and started to panic that my husband would lose his job because of his big-mouthed wife on national TV,” she says.

Jackson begged the producers to omit the sensitive part before it hit the air waves. They obliged but not without a hassle. “I cried all night,” she remembers. “I was overreacting, but I still should keep my mouth shut sometimes. … They never invited me back onto the Jay Leno show.”

You may not ever find yourself regaling Leno, but it’s always important to avoid confidential leaks. Know how much money your friend makes? Know the name of your roommate’s rash medication? Keep private details private.

4. When you’re being petty. You and your roommate are fighting over whether to watch “King of the Hill” or “60 Minutes.” Hold up! It’s not worth saying something like, “Why are you still watching cartoons at 33? Do they fill the void of imagination in your life?” or “Why at 29 do you watch a show featuring five reporters over age 70? Do you wear Depends too?”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No need for catty remarks. That’s why God created the person who created Tivo.

Count to 10 or 110, depending on the situation. Then ask yourself, Will I even care about this in a week? If not, it’s probably petty. Life’s too short to verbalize the small stuff.

5. Before someone else suggests it. Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before another asks you to.

Larry Rowland, pastor of Rockford Baptist Church in Michigan, is quick to point out the words of the wise King Solomon in Proverbs 17:28: “‘Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.’ Just as a knife can be life-giving in the hands of a surgeon or deadly in the hands of a thug, so the tongue can be a source of blessing or a destructive instrument.”

If you want to avoid being rightfully put in your place, think before you speak. Remember the sage advice of Abraham Lincoln: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”

Here’s a good rule of thumb: Try to stop talking at least 60 seconds before someone else asks you to.

Dan Ewald is a TV comedy writer living in Los Angeles. He attempts to “talk only when you can improve upon the silence” but fails daily.